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Friday, March 25, 2011

Granting Wishes With My Magic Johnson



        I don't know if I've ever told you about my Magic Johnson, but it's pretty amazing. I can do all sorts of incredible things with it, such as flip through a newspaper without using my hands, or select your floor for you if we happen to be on an elevator together. With my Magic Johnson, I have literally cured hundreds of women of their stress and anxiety--sometimes merely waving it around causes them to have stress-relieving convulsions. Once I was a little too forceful with my Magic Johnson and I accidentally turned a woman to dust. But on the hole it's done a lot more good than harm. On the whole, I mean. It's starting to look like my Magic Johnson will defy all odds and live forever and ever.



       The last time I used my Magic Johnson on a woman, she had a baby that turned out to be a super genius. This all happened yesterday.




       A little while back, I let some college cheerleaders polish my Magic Johnson for good luck. They went on to win the Division 1A Hip Hop National Championships.




       Even the mighty silverback gorilla gets scared when I whip out my Magic Johnson.




       One time I busted out the old Magic Johnson for Oprah. That was the day she gave everyone a car.



       Here is a classic photograph of the perennially awesome Betty White, with her arms wrapped confidently around you guessed it, my Magic Johnson.



No fucking way am I doing one for this. Next picture.



Dude, fuck you. Seriously.



       Okay, now this I can work with. It is widely speculated that during the filming of the kung-fu masterpiece Kill Bill: Volume 1, Uma Thurman stayed at the peak of fitness by using a chin-up bar known as my Magic Johnson.



Hmmm. Looks like someone got a hold of my Magic Johnson.



       On December 9, 2006, Joan Higginbotham became the third female African American astronaut when she was launched into space on my Magic Johnson.



pic unrelated



       Boudicca was quite possibly the baddest bitch who ever walked the earth. As queen of the Iceni tribe, she led a revolt against occupying forces of the Roman Empire. Among other acts of extreme badassery, she burned London to the ground, and left 70 or 80,000 Roman fuckfaces in a state of total death. Then she sailed to Byzantium aboard the good ship my Magic Johnson.



       The Epic of Gilgamesh is one of the oldest stories in the world, and apparently deals with bestiality on some level? Well I really don't know, but one thing it definitely deals with is this major flood they had which sucked a lot of ass. But what it doesn't explain is that this massive discharge of salty fluid had everything to do with 700 sacred prostitutes of the goddess Ishtar, the goddess herself, and a massive game of tug-o-war with none other than my Magic Johnson. You're welcome for this.
    


94 comments:

  1. Wow i wish i had a magic Johnson :(

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  2. Dude, what you lack in quantity, you more than make up for in quality. I'll be laughing at this all damn day!

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  3. I know Betty White loved the Johnson.

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  4. I really needed this today - awesome post!!

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  5. Lol. Looks like your magic johnson is the real whore of babylon

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  6. Your magic johnson not only transcends space, but also time, huh? o.o

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  7. I believe the gorilla was simply attempting to lead you to his rape cave.

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  8. Lol Magic Johnson must be awesome dude, hahaha can't stop watching the hip hop girls gif

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  9. i just read the epic of gilgamesh for this semester, ok story

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  10. This is the best thing I've read all day

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  11. From what game is this "wizard turned you into xy"?

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  12. I hear you can buy Magic Johnsons these days...

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  13. I laughed. A lot. And bow to your Magic Johnson.

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  14. good blog, nice post

    + follower:)

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  15. @Merlyy, no idea, but I personally don't think it's awesome.

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  16. LOL aww the babyyy. and O.o at gorrila.
    hahahah.

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  17. Awesome pictures man! Keep up the great blogging!

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  18. I wish i could meet Mr Johnson...

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  19. I was lured to this blog by your shining Magic Johnson. Followed.

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  20. enough said... also followed

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  21. dude i also want to meet him! anyways nice blog, following you

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  22. hahaha random.

    I don't believe you though. You're gunna have to send me a sample of your Magic Johnson....

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  23. lol very funny. mind if I have a rub of your johnson ?

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  24. Lmao, this is some good stuff. definitely going to follow!

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  25. Funny! Returning the favor! Following :)

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  26. i like those gifs nice pictures you found there, where can i find more of them?

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  27. Awesomely Awesome!

    Keep it up man! ;D

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  28. haha had a good laugh, thanks for cheering me up!

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  29. good stuff, man i hate it when wizards turn people into pizzas, they should really pass some kind of law on that.

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  30. @Erika, I will merely extend my Magic Johnson across the Atlantic ocean so that you may have a gander at it and do with it what you like.
    @Tibble, not sure where you're located, but at any given time you are never more than a hop skip and a jump from my Magic Johnson.
    @Doc, I shall have to confer with my Magic Johnson and get back with you, or you can just look on 4gifs.com

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  31. is this blog awesome? (y/n)
    definitely y, following

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  32. God, I laughed out loud so many times reading this. Major props. I'll be checking back often. :D

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  33. That is too funny man, this stuff is awesome!

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  34. ooooh boy, now I really had a nice laugh! :D

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  35. A good giggle for a Monday morning.

    Uma is uber hawt with the sword!

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  36. I frickin lol'd so hard.

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  37. Not quite sure what I just read but.. awesome. XD

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  38. A lot of really amazing pictures, i have no idea what any of them had to do with anything, but hey.

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  39. haha that gorilla running away was funny

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  40. Magic Johnson is capable of amazing feats!

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  41. OMG I want to rub your Magic Johnson for good luck.
    "badassery" LOL

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  42. I wish a had a girl who likes Johnsons over money. It's just my dream, though. I know it's impossible.

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  43. Such crazy pictures...following, though i may regret it later :P

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  44. your magic johnson seems to be quite popular huh?

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  45. Thoroughly enjoyed this post. Looking forward to hearing more about your magic johnson haha

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  46. lol...I didn't get this for a while. But then I was "OOOOOH"

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  47. Hopy shit that cheerleader is spazzing mad.

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  48. so much WIN in this post! Favorite was "pic unrelated....Magic Johnson"

    Following.

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  49. wow, that was awesome dude !!

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  50. LOL love that baby gif. I can't stop watching and laughing.

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  51. its funny because you mean penis

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  52. duuuuuuuuuuuuude... wat?
    xD
    plz check my blog, im making a new post later.

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  53. lol, your magic Johnson is the SHIT! XD

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  54. aha you're funny.
    the one with the baby is mad!

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  55. I lol'd when I saw the "pic unrelated." Nice placement.

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  56. Hahahaha Priceless, Epic Blog!
    Following

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  57. The last time I told someone I had a Magic Johnson, they checked my neck for an adam's apple. o.O

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  58. The gorilla one is the best its super funny.

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  59. It would have been impossible for me to have guessed what feats of magic and lore your magic johnson has completed... All very commendable I do say.

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  60. Magic Johnson! I love hockey!

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  61. I like to think they wouldn't beat me with there cane or hit me in a wheel chair in a fight!

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  62. very entertaining lol'd all the way to the shitter

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  63. Man, this really is internet gold =D Love your posts!

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  64. This is prob your best post yet lol good job!

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