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Friday, March 11, 2011

Alpha Males: Dominant Homozygotes With Extra Chromosomes



       This would not be considered a prime example of an alpha male. From my understanding they tend to be smoother than this.  But how much do we know about alpha males really? What really defines them, and furthermore what the fuck does "alpha" even mean? It sounds made-up to me. Well having just taken precious time from my busy porn day to go on Wikipedia, I can tell you it's a term primarily applied to animals, as in creatures that may fling their shit at one another or be down to fuck in a tree, and yet, somewhat curiously, is also applied humans, as in creatures that have a cerebral cortex and are capable of performing more complex operations, such as typing a blog post while subscribing to furry porn, and are capable of formulating abstract concepts, such as the concept of an alpha male. I can also tell you that "alpha" is German for "anus."

Well worth the $6.95 a month

       In the animal kingdom, an anus male is simply the male with highest rank. He gets to have sex with whoever he wants and he always gets to eat the yummiest piece of the carcass. But what constitutes an anus male among humans is a little less clear, and by a little I mean a lot. The most powerful, highest ranking man in the world is Barack Obama, and he is probably not what most would consider a prime example of an alpha male. I'm speculating here, but I am almost certain that more people would associate the term with someone like George Clooney, and he is nowhere near as powerful as Barack and has every STD, including LGV and chancroid. Again, I am speculating. But I would wager that still more people would associate the term "alpha male" with someone like Mike "The Situation" Douchanelli or whatever the fuck his name is, I am not about to waste twelve seconds of my life googling it--which just goes to show that we are clinically fucktarded as a society. And I'm sure that almost no one would consider Albert Einstein to be one, though his intellect was one of the most powerful forces of the 20th century, helping to usher in the nuclear age and doing all kinds of other shit I don't understand. Which is why I think most people's idea of an alpha male has more to do with rock hard abs and hair gel than anything else, which is why an alpha male is not something I particularly want to be. I could easily go on ranting for another 5,000 words or so, but you're probably just sitting there digitally stimulating your dog's asshole and wondering when I'm going to post some silly pictures already. Fine, I will, but don't sniff your finger. That's disgusting.



        Ultra-masculine film actor Vin Diesel is seen here getting his alpha on. You go girl. You've inspired me to start walking around with a carrot in my pants, so thank you for that.



       You don't necessarily need to have big muscles, or even be particularly handsome, to have a severe case of the alpha. Sometimes all you really need is a hat made from the fur of an alpha animal. And it doesn't hurt to have an alpha bitch and $300 million.



       Sometimes you just have to be on top of your game. Bitches love that.



       You might be two feet tall and weigh twenty-five pounds, but that doesn't mean you can't bench twice your own body weight. You know we on dat alpha shit.



        Alfalfa male is not really relevant to this. I just think it's fucked up that we live in a world where one of the Little Rascals died from being shot in the dick. I'm not joking, look.


you'redoingitwrong.jpg


       Sometimes an important part of being an alpha male is being an unfunny cuntface whose writing style has an obnoxious factor equal to one hundred Balkies.


This is Balki.


      Become the best at something. It doesn't matter what. Maybe your destiny is to be Fart Champion of the World. You will have to dethrone this guy.



       Use this skill for good and not evil. Fighting crime is a good place to start. The bad boy image will only take you where you want to go if it is tempered with a wholesome ethic.



       If you don't have any skills, you can always buy an ATV. Works every time. My friend Mr. Squirrel bought one of these bad boys and just a few weeks later he had squirrel chlamydia. In other words he became a winner. And so can you. You're welcome and enjoy your unlimited pussy.



63 comments:

  1. Man, first of all you have a really quick wit and a damn good insight into the jock alpha male mentality and it's scourgemented blight on our multiverse. You hot every nail right on the head making for a damn good quality post as always!

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  2. i hate the alfa males :') always so full of themselfs

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  3. Haha, awesome compilation. Love the new layout btw!

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  4. Very insightful, and well played, Mcleoud.

    I don't think that photo is of vin diesel, though.

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  5. Great blog & post, I love the panda!!!

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  6. hahaha omg I could not stop laughing. Amazing XD

    Followed.

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  7. Can't get enough of that floppy mascot gif.
    I could watch it and chuckle away all day.

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  8. dude i love tucker max! he's totally not lame

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  9. @Aaron, I don't know how you get around the blogosphere as swiftly as you do, leaving so many deft, insightful comments in your wake, but it's pretty damn impressive.
    @TJ, the internet said it was him and I have no reason not to believe it. Srsly, tho, I personally think it is him.
    @ENG, thanks, but my blog would like to cultivate a healthy friendship first.
    @H.R., I must confess I only read the first page when I was in Barnes and Noble, but I just thought his Douchiness Quotient or DQ was genius level, like the Marilyn vos Savant of douches if you will. But I didn't really give him a fair shot I guess.

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  10. Seeing Vin Diesel with hair kinda grossed me the hell out!...then I looked at the bulge and I was okay again! lol

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  11. Vin Diesel looks really weird.

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  12. I feel like the bear on the rocking horse!!!

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  13. Anus male. I think this should be said instead of "alpha" males, I mean; It represents what type of person they are so much better!

    Or douchebag male. Something like that.

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  14. Also, I just finished reading that wiki article on Alfalfa. Like holy shit mate, it was $50.

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  15. I know, who would have thought such a nice young man would turn out to be so ghetto.

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  16. You're just JEALOUS Elliot

    How are you enjoying your life as beta so far?

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  17. great blog, following but lose the capcha ;)

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  18. those pics and gifs.... :)

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  19. I am mezmorised by that panda.

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  20. disregard alpha, acquire currency?

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  21. Somehow you sound like you dislike alpha males...
    ''I can also tell you that "alpha" is German for "anus." ''
    ^^ Somehow I doubt this =)

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  22. @A1F, actually, my girlfriend thinks I have "alpha traits." If I do, that's fine, but I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I love and accept myself as I am, and to answer your question, I love my life.
    @Obi, I thought I had turned captcha off. Thanks, should be off now. Also anyone should be able to comment now, anonymously, if they prefer.
    @Ed, egggfuckingzacktly
    @Elexerdelex, you read it on the internet. Therefore it is true.

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  23. You really have a way with words. I re-read a few of the things you said because I wasn't expecting anything that funny to be written down, ever. But, alas, you have managed to pull off some really funny stuff.

    I'll be following you until the world ends, thanks for your brilliant insight on this subject that might as well be written in Chinese until today :)

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  24. ahahaha awesome

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  25. Haha, we tend to refer to them as "douche bags"

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  26. my reaction after reading your posts is alway wut

    good post though, I lold at the pics

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  27. Some entertaining pics! keep em comin!

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  28. Haha, the pics (and captions) and gifs are so funny!

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  29. i dont buy this alpha shit. maybe im just too independent to give a fuck.

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  30. I agree Bart. It's a load of shit. It's always been a load of shit. But lately fucking EVERYONE is talking about it, con artists are making money off it, and it's making a lot of people want to be something they're not. I don't want to be "alpha." I'll just be Elliot. Kthnxbye

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  31. entertaining post. I'll retort "anus" male anytime someone says alpha male lol.

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  32. Alfalfa male is just too funny! I didn't know he was shot in the dick.

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  33. Good post but I'm german and alpha does not mean anus

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  34. very good post. LOL.
    "digitally stimulating your dog's asshole"... WTF.

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  35. Funny post, loved the picture too!

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  36. This is a seriously awesome post, well done. Great points, and pictures to keep you quite entertained :) following

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  37. Love the pictures man. Very funny. Happily following :)

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  38. Lol I feel like I have no idea where that thread was going, but it was still funny

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  39. Really awesome post with great pictures :) Followed

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  40. I love that first .gif. Seriously, the Raptors suck at EVERYTHING!

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  41. this is a very random blog, i found myself just laughing out of a sudden.

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