Thursday, November 17, 2011

Same-Sex Marriage and its Inherent Gayness

       A few of you may recall that a while back I posted the elegant and rather understated opinion piece "You Would Know I Wasn't Gay If I Was Balls Deep In Your Ass." Well I mention that only because I have this massive complex where I am terrified of repeating myself and don't want to do it ever, and do not want so much as one person to even perceive that I have done that. So if anyone reading this starts to feel like they might be on the verge of perceiving that I am repeating myself, please do me a huge favor and shoot yourself in the head.

       So now that it has been established that I am definitely not repeating myself, I would like to extend my warmest gratitude to you all, and to anyone who has ever taken the time out of their precious day to view this high quality free material that I have slaved for untold hours over. Thank you all so fucking much for doing me that monumental favor; your largesse is almost embarrassing and I am entirely unworthy. I love you all very much and would hereby like to ask for your figurative hands in marriage, because if gay people are allowed to get married then all bets are off, right? So why don't we all just get married electronically, even though we live in various countries and have never met in person, and for all you know I eat nothing but baloney and don't even go to church?  I mean why don't I just marry a dead person or a chair, or Vaudeville or a sponge, or General Motors or Monticello, New York? Or better yet, why don't I marry an abstract idea? Like say I'm in love with the sanctity of marriage. Who's to say we can't just run off to Vegas and get hitched, and proceed to have hideously nebulous children together?

Pee Wee Herman gets it. Why don't you?

       Because everyone knows that aside from this whole homo fiasco, marriage is exactly the same as it has always been. Just ask my twelve-year-old impregnated wife whom I acquired for a dowry of three and half goats. It's exactly the same as it was in the Bible.

"A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin.
If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed."
Deuteronomy: 22:13-21

       Oh snap, wait. That wasn't the right quote. But why don't all you sanctity haterz try this one on for size?

"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover
her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain
of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Leviticus 20:18

       Woaahhh, what the FUCK DUDE?!?!  That definitely wasn't the one I was looking for. It's the one about how if a man lies with another man it's an abomination, and it's definitely valid seeing as it came from the Bible.

       Though I suppose it's worth mentioning that the Bible does not actually say it's an abomination. The King James translation of the Bible says that. The original Hebrew word is toevah, which actually means something more along the lines of "taboo," as in "this is something that other tribes may do but we the tribe of Levi do not do," and it's important to remember that we are talking about fucking tribes here. This was thousands of motherfucking years ago people. But apparently "taboo" wasn't enough of a bitchin' invective to go in the book named after the guy who supervised the torture of suspected witches.

       So clearly the problem is that they are trying to change marriage, and not that some people are unwilling to adapt. And really, why should people let go of their centuries-old Byzantine system of beliefs because these characters who have been gay for at the most 60 or 70 years all of a sudden want rights? I don't even understand why they chose to be gay in the first place. As a man myself I find the idea of sucking a penis to be disgusting, so I don't really get why they would want to go and do that.


       Oh yeah, I remember now, it's because of Original Sin. It's sort of like how when I'm feeling sinful I eat a chicken salad sandwich. You may not know this about me, but I really don't care for chicken salad. It's not appealing to me and it never has been, but when I get to living in sin I just can't fucking help myself.

       I have noticed that opposition to same-sex marriage, aside from being not at all related to homophobia and rather related to family values and such, also seems to be strongest in countries where more of these traditional types of values are present. Countries like Malawi. It was there that two gay men were sentenced to 14 years in prison after they proclaimed their love for each other in a public engagement ceremony. Later they were pardoned due to international pressure, but it is worth noting that a country that would bust out colonial-era sodomy laws to put two people who dared to be openly in love to more than a decade of hard labor, is also the kind of country that still has female circumcision; a country where, as of 2004, an estimated 37 percent of girls between the ages of 15 and 19 were married, divorced or widowed; a country where domestic violence is largely permitted, and there is no legislation against spousal rape. You know, traditional family values type shit.
       And on the flip side of the coin, in havens for sexually deviant Marxists and anti-liberty gun-hating abortion doctors such as Canada, Britain, Germany, France, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland and Portugal, same-sex marriage is legal.

       And since I'm just so crazy and backwards that I don't want to see my children grow up in a gay-run totalitarian police state, I should like to now formally protest this nonsense. I will do it the best way I know how, by posting some pictures of same-sex couples and putting devastatingly damning captions beneath.

       "Hi, we want to be treated as equals, even if it means that the very sanctity of marriage as we know it will shatter, letting in harmful UV rays to give everyone cancer and destroy mankind. So let us marry all your cats please. Kthxbai."

       "Hi, we are dykes watching dykes riding bikes that we like. Ask us if we give a good goddam about your candyass civilization unraveling."

       "Never mind us, we're just creeping into the psyches of your children and hastening the extinction of your species."

       "Oh hi, we just recruited twelve new people into our militant lesbian book club. Our selection for this week is Mein Kampf and we'll be discussing themes of self-discovery. Feel free to drop in!"

Oh shit, wrong picture.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Really Hard Art of Articulating Good


       I have spent quite a bit of time throughout the course of my life reading fiction and dictionaries and periodicals and such in a humble effort to better comprehend our magnificent English language, and that is why I find it so dreadfully offensive when people are too retarded to use it properly. It fills me with an almost godlike rage when I reflect on all my beneficent and philanthropic efforts to educate these heathens, through my own superior writings and oratory endeavors, and their outright refusal to accept and genuflect to me as their linguistic master, so that they may have some small chance of growing a brain. It is without a doubt the greatest curse of my righteous yet humble existence.

       But at least I can find some solace in the fact that they will be doomed to living a nightmare of split infinitives, dangling participles, and a total inability to appreciate NPR. Moreover, I am convinced that when they die they will all go straight to Hell, where they will be forced to conjugate Latin verbs on an extremely squeaky chalkboard for the rest of eternity. And all they will be able to say at that point is that they would of learned proper English if they had known they were suppose to. And they will probably think to themselves now isn't this ironic, because they will still have no fucking clue what that word actually means.

       But what I really find to be an ironic coincidence is that a lot of you grammatically incorrect motherfuckers will be too lazy to even bother clicking on some of these images, even though it will be obvious that you are supposed to. I mean God forbid you are forced to burn one millionth of a calorie, and wait three whole seconds to be taken to my Photobucket account, which ironically is just like my grammatical prowess in that it has unlimited bandwidth and has been upgraded to Pro.

       You know what's really a thorn in my shit list is when the yearbook editor throw's a random apostrophe into my catchphrase and makes me seem even dumber than I am.

       Maybe the young lady wasn't interested in letting you "holla" because you yell too much. I mean every fourth word seems to be an orgasm with you. And your understanding of capitalization is dubious to say the least. What's especially troubling is that 14 out of 14 people found this garbled piece of misguided gobbledygook to be helpful. 

       This is an example of writing that is practically flawless. Don't even bother trying to question the greatness of this thing, for the words will slip right through your hands like a bar of peeny-scented soap. I guess that's what you get for trying to hold words in your hands, stupid.

       There's a big difference between representing cultural diversity and pandering to a specific community, CNN. You seem to be doing the second one and I think you best step the fuck off.

       The infamous facebook grammar Nazi is a figure often reviled but seldom praised. I wouldn't recommend this career path to any of you youngsters, as your work will almost certainly be underappreciated, and the pay is abysmal. But the satisfaction derived from letting someone from the canaille know just how stupid they are, and wiping that imbecilic grin off their face even if only for a second, is to some of us worth all of the blood, sweat, and tears.

       I can tell our friend Roanald is a gentleman and a scholar because your average dumbass would look at the word "toupe" and think that it rhymes with "poop." These are the same fucktards that go around pronouncing "meme" as "maymay."

       Sometimes it's best to take the Hemingway approach and get straight to the point. If it works for you, you may wish to prolong the endeavor, in which case I recommend you think of Gertrude Stein.

My neurons are suicide bombing each other.

R.I.P. My Heterosexuality

Miracles everywhere in this bitch.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Occupying Time Down On Obfuscation Street


       If you don't get the reference in the title of this post, then you may just not be a fan of The Cure, which is totally cool with me. But you may also be one of these sniffling hipster halfwits who is standing around Zuccotti Park right now in desperate need of a bath and waiting for Radiohead to come and play, which they definitely aren't, and anyway their latest effort was appallingly weak. But you wouldn't know that because you have a head full of Chomsky and gas station weed, and you wouldn't know good music if it fucked you in the ass.

     I mean if Coldplay had put out that album I would have been mildly impressed, but then again I wouldn't want to live in a world like that. But I must say it's a pretty fucked up world we're living in already, what with these dastardly terrorist cleric derelicts getting killed by drones, and the fed warning of the possibility of revenge missions in the making.

       And then you have all of these angry musical dilettantes getting arrested by the hundreds because they can't afford the new Imogen Heap, and bragging about how 99% of Americans haven't heard of their favorite band. Well just because we haven't heard of them doesn't mean they're any good you self-righteous pieces of shit.

       It could be that I'm missing the point here, but I doubt it.  I know there's got to be something more to it all than simply opposing "corporate greed," because that would be fucking retarded. I mean please tell me they have something more specific than that. Because God knows they could find it with even the most cursory of Google searches.

       But no, I guess not. Apparently they are not big fans of the Google and were a little too stoned during Inside Job to remember much more than the basic gist. And indeed their website states that they are doing all of this because of "financial greed and corruption." Well why not take the whole vague thing one step further and have a protest against bad vibes or the man keeping you down? I'm sorry but I can't get behind you on this one, though I agree that both greed and corruption are decidedly not good. I'm afraid this needs to materialize into something a little more articulate before I can give it my highly coveted rubber stamp of approval, but I doubt that's going to happen before the police really step up their non-lethal force game and suppress this shit.

       So instead of spending my free time getting arrested with you all I have decided to combat your confounding ambiguity by opposing some things that are very specific. I'm hoping this well help you to see the error of your ways.

       I am strongly opposed to infant suicide, and have even gone so far as to join Women Against Infant Suicide Standing Together, or WAISST, despite being male.

       Reverse drinking is not a practice that I have ever endorsed, nor will I ever endorse. It's extremely dangerous and actually makes you thirstier.

       I am against the use Jokewood font in the context of instant messaging, but I am strongly in support of finally finding an excuse to post this.

       Interspecies swim meets are totally unfair and can have a profoundly deleterious effect on your child's self-esteem, as they come to grips with the reality of being owned by a swan.

       It has been said that freedom is a double-edged sword, and I definitely think that the freedom to race the handicapped would be an example of the shittier edge of that sword, but this being America there is nothing I can do to stop you people. Just know that I oppose you in all kinds of ways, unless of course you are a representative of the Special Olympics.

       I think it's very childish and manipulative for train cars to hold their breath until they get what they want. The best thing to do in this situation is ignore them.

       Just because your youngest daughter is an obvious dyke, that does not mean you have to excommunicate her to the top of the denim pile. I hereby oppose thee.

I am actually not the least bit opposed to this.

       But you can definitely color me a deep shade of opposed to any scientist who has the unmitigated gall to try and explain to me how magnets really work.

       Toddlers who worship Satan can consider themselves opposed, mostly because of the role they play in infant suicides.

       And lastly I am deeply opposed to people who show only a halfhearted opposition to things that they really deep down inside oppose very strongly. I think it shows a compromise in one's testicular fortitude, and maybe it's something I should take a look at myself. And one thing I will say is that it doesn't really seem to be a problem for these kids down on Wall Street. So in that respect they can consider themselves unopposed by me. I'm sure they will all be massively relieved.


       So this is the longest that I've ever gone without posting, and it occurred to me that some of you may draw a correlation between that and the poetry. But I assure it has practically nothing to do with that, and practically everything to do with making money hand over fist (huge economic success: perhaps another reason why I choose to make fun of the occupying forces rather than join them in battle). Well if anyone wants to pay me $15.38 an hour plus overtime for this and give me the option to have health insurance for once in my life (it wouldn't be the only time in my adult life, but almost) then they can be my guest. So I've now let the cat out of the bag about what a fucking baller I am. My bad. But I promise I'm not going to stop doing Appellate Sky. I enjoy it too much. Here is a link to a poem that will make your head explode into candy.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Wiping Out the Obesity Problem Like it was So Much Cake


       I don't think I'm alone when I say that I have some serious concerns for the well-being of the millions of people my fellow Americans seem to have eaten. No one, not even Nancy Grace, deserves to die horribly at the hands of the Hutt-like creatures who have mercilessly chomped their bones to bits and devoured them like so many Kowakian monkey-lizards who have failed to make them laugh. What I am essentially trying to say here is that Americans are fat.

       I have sat here just now for the better part of twenty minutes and put a good deal of thought into what exactly are the root causes of America's obesity problem, and what are the realistic, workable solutions that can be put into place today, and how I can make everyone do them, and I can honestly say that I now have this thing as licked as the leftover brownie batter on your favorite spatula or whisk, and that means that pretty soon we are all going to be as skinny as Kate Moss after years of living in the Sahara and having just been run over by a steamroller, and of course it is beyond obvious that this is exactly what we all want.

       It occurred to me that the single biggest lardass of a cause for this whole nightmare is a little thing called rationalization. For example, Rick Ross. No wait, let me expound upon that. We may know of over 9000 celebrities who do not have a beard that can be best measured in acres, but we will latch on to the one celebrity we know of who does and say that that person is redefining sexy, when in reality they may very well be redefining the orbital eccentricity of the Earth, which is to say in effect that they are fat. I don't want to be perceived as sexist, so ladies please substitute Adele or whatever other crappy artists you listen to.

       Another large and in charge factor is plain and simple laziness. Day in and day out we rationalize that we have worked our blubbery butts of so we don't need to bother preparing a healthy meal or going to the gym. We will instead eat a bucket of Crisco and watch The Biggest Loser.

       Which leads me to the next flabby culprit, television. It's possible to watch television while on a treadmill or elliptical machine, but it is much more plausible that as an American you will watch it while tending to your gout, or, as this picture depicts, after a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and a bottle of Robitussin.

Internet, on the other hand, is not really a factor.  

       While I'm thinking of it, I'm going to propose there be a weight limit on public transportation. It always bums me out when I see an obese person waiting at a bus stop.

       The same goes for flying. So you say you need to get from Atlanta to Houston by Tuesday? Well I recommend you get a rickshaw for your luggage and start hoofing it, Tubby McShowershits.

        And finally the corpulence is held firmly in place by several helpings of self-pity. And by now the rationalization has set in to the point that you consider getting winded while tying your shoes to be your exercise for the day. Well that doesn't count you pathetic tub of Juggalo jizz. Now here is the solution.

       First of all, I think we should all be more like Bruce Lee. We should get our hair cut like him and tape the sides of our eyes if necessary. And after that I think we should just generally be more like the dude, because he was pretty damn awesome.

       Next, I think we should stop having children. It's a horrible idea and I really don't see how it benefits anyone, except for the part it plays in perpetuating our species or whatever, which if you ask me is pretty marginal. Anyway don't worry about that just stop having children.

       And finally I think we should lock all of our food up in a room we don't use and throw away the key. On second thought let's not throw it away. Instead let's give the key to Susan Powter of 90's "Stop the Insanity!" fame. What ever happened to that broad? I really think she was onto something.


       Wow, that was an interesting post, wasn't it? I particularly enjoyed the jaded newborn. Hi, I'm Elliot MacLeod-Michael, and I'm the author of this blog. I can't take credit for that image macro, nor can I take credit for most of the pictures and .gifs you see here, but I can take credit for arranging them within a narrative of my own creation which I believe makes them even more amusing. I also use Face in Hole. I've been doing this for over a year now and have really come to enjoy it, but I was not without an ulterior motive. You see, the thing about me is I have pretensions of being a "writer." I'm not exactly sure what the fuck that even is, but I'm pretty sure it involves growing a beard and molesting a lion or two. If you're a woman I think it mainly consists of neglecting dental hygiene and spending some time on a farm. But anyway that's what I've always wanted to be. The primary reason I started this blog was to eventually introduce its readers to my poetry. I'm not planning on stopping this blog anytime soon. I have many completed or pretty much completed poems and starting now I will be posting a link to one of them at the end of each post here. This will continue until I achieve total world domination.
       I didn't plan on making new friends when I started this blog, but I'm glad that I have. Thanks to all the folks I am in regular contact with, and to all of my readers. Here is the link. By no means do I expect you to read and comment on my poems, but they'll be here if you're interested.