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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You Would Know I Wasn't Gay If I Was Balls Deep In Your Ass



       Believe it or not, this is how I am perceived sometimes. I realize I'm not one these stereotypically masculine guys who can fix cars and shit, and I'm fine with that. I will never star in a Wrangler commercial, and Toby Keith will never respect me--but in no way do I behave like a flamboyant homosexual. Anyone who really knows me can attest to this. If you do know me and you are a regular reader of this blog you could finally for once in your life leave a goddam comment defending me on this. I'm looking at you, mom.
       

       I don't want people to think I am against being gay, because that is absolutely not the case. That would be like opposing plate tectonics. It's okay if you disagree with that statement. I respect your opinion and your right to be a retard. It's just that I am not gay, ya dig? I wouldn't want people thinking I'm a woman, either. If people were going around saying I have two lactating breasts and a vagina that's a rumor I would want to nip in the bud. 
       I could be blowing this out of proportion. It may not be true that almost everyone I know thinks I have a poster of Dr. McDreamy in my rectum right now, that if I had one wish it would be to Slip n Slide down a giant dildo and into the lap of Manute Bol, that I cried during High School Musical 2 when Gabriella left Troy at the resort because he was being a jerk, that I knew what double dream hands were before this video blew up--all of which is patently false. But I am certain that several people have suspected me of liking the homo sex in the course of my life. It only stands to reason that dozens more have detected me with their faulty gaydar systems and I never even knew it. Of course I can only speculate as to why they may have made this preposterous error, but I would say it has to do with the following:

My Intelligence - I'm not sure how it is over in Limeyland, Transylvania and other parts of Europe, but here in the U.S. intelligence is often seen as an off-putting, undesirable trait, especially when it is the kind of intelligence that uses words most people don't understand, such as "vituperative."  People tend to not like being made to feel stupid, but that is scarcely my intent when I abjure lucid palaver, in favor of more abstruse locutions. I can't help it if people feel that way because they actually are stupid. I know I don't need anyone else to make me feel smart. These yahoos feel threatened by me in much the same way they feel threatened by the homo sex they secretly yearn for on some level, in much the same way they secretly yearn to be smart. So I see where they would make the mistake.
       
My Overwhelming Sex Appeal - People used to think Jude Law was gay until he started fucking everything that moved and had a functioning vagina. Yeah, he was gay, alright. Gay like a fox. It was just wishful thinking on the part of more homely gents.

My Impeccable Fashion Sense - Just because I look like they brought Versace back to life and he had a butt-baby with Armani, that does not mean I am the homo gay. When I say I look like that I'm speaking strictly in terms of fashion. 

My Abnormally Large Genitalia - Again, it's a fear thing. No matter how baggy my pants are you can totally tell.

       What would probably surprise a lot of you is that I am not only straighter than the equator but I am a total bad boy, to boot. I rarely follow instructions when baking brownies and when I eat my PB&J I like to leave the crust on. I had enough of that crustless bullshit in grade school and I'm over it. But then again I don't really give a fuck what you cake asses think, and anyway I gots to go. I'm taking my bitch to see the monster trucks. PEACE.



       

9 comments:

  1. lol,too funny, don't worry I;m sure you are masculine enough in your own way

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  2. You're absolutely right, Kat. You should witness the ferocity with which I brush my teeth.

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  3. you're a babysitter for emotionally-vulnerable young men.... just sayin

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  4. @rocketboy It's clear the four qualities listed above have made you flamingly jealous.

    @dfc215a0-3491-11e0-bd3c-000bcdca4d7a No I'm not I'm a trapeze artist. And I'm totally straight, asshole.

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  5. I see what you did there, Miriam, and I approve of it.

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  6. lets go do some manly shit together, like shoot a fuckin deer or somethign

    Chaos

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  7. Indeed... it was the same for me. This article was really excellent for all of us.

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