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Saturday, February 26, 2011

Search for the Smartest Retard in the World


       
       It would be pointless, I think, to write about who the smartest person in the world might be, since everyone already knows already--and believe me, I am well aware of the redundancy of that statement, but it had to be said. He's been wowing us with his mullet and mental ninjitsu since the 80's. I'm talking of course about MacGyver. But who do you suppose is the smartest retard? I find that to be a much more interesting question, as retards are traditionally not very smart. So a search of this nature is bound to require a lot of legwork, and a very good sense for the nuances of subtlety.
       But some of you may not know what constitutes a retard in the first place, and indeed a great many of you are retarded yourselves. You might be wondering if you are up to the challenge, and you might also be wondering why your pants are so warm. That's because you pooped them. That's why it smells like that. You're going to need to change. When you're done with that we can get started with this search.
       Ok, the first thing you should know about retards is that they are not limited to people with obvious mental handicaps. Indeed a great many of them look just like you and me, especially you. So don't judge a book by it's cover, you illiterate fuck. They're not like siamese twins or people who were born without a face or whatever. You can't always just spot them. Some of them can even articulate fairly well. But there are some subtle differences, as you will presently see. Here is an example of a smarter than average retard, though I doubt he will end up being the smartest, since our search has only just begun.



      Hello, I'm Tom. I like turtles. I seem mentally deficient in all my films--not just the ones where I'm supposed to be. Here is a shot of me attempting to eat fire. Burned the roof of my mouth something awful. Did I mention I have like 11 Oscars?




Awright den. I'm Tum. Payple used to fink I was briwwiant, til roundabout 6 dayes ago.




       This guy is not even in the running. He's pretty much just your average retard. But I've been wanting to use this GIF for awhile now.



       I'm not the one who is the magnet, sir, you flatter me. Clearly one of us is made of pure ferromagnetic lard, and I'll give you a hint: he's wearing face paint. Anyone who has not seen the Insane Clown Posse "Miracles" video needs to watch it at this exact moment in time. I'm talking about now.




Now this is just completely irrelevant. Sorry.




        Leftover from my post on Norwegian Black Metal. Again, I apologize. It's no more disturbing than a regular picture of Lady Gaga.



       
        "Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books."
        Hi, I'm Kanye, and I really said that. And that is so not even close to the dumbest thing I have said. The government gives AIDS to midgets while framing OJ. Damn I'm good at this shit.



       What am I doing with my hands, you ask? Oh nothing, just being an idiot savant. One of the greatest there ever was. Yes, I am still wearing the ear ring and I will be until the day that I DIE, so stop playa hatin on my ass ahhhiight? 
       "Learning to fly was a work of art. I'm so passionate about flying I often fly up the coast for a cheeseburger."
        Das right, I said it was a work of art, you punk bitches. Quit playa hatin my shit.


 

Two girls, one cup (of derp).




 

Fucking WinRAR. Thanks for playing you punk ass bitches. You've won an owl fort.






29 comments:

  1. Welcome back man, I was hoping you would start posting again! And as always, you take a subject and you slap it around from every angle. Great stuff, keep up the great work!

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  2. Thanks, bro! I've been trying to get readers rather than actually writing. That's why the delay. I usually put out about one a week. Appreciate the support!

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  3. nice post.

    I love the new report's face when

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  4. Lol, excellent post dude, wish i'd found it earlier!

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  5. absolutely great post :)
    followed!

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  6. oh wow great post
    and i vote for kanye as well the biggest retard at least

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  7. very funny post and funny pictures too

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  8. lmao.. dude the fuckin' miracles song is terrible. "I tried to feed a pelican at Frisco bey, he tried to eat my cellphone then ran away."

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  9. HI Elliot!
    Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving words of encouragement! I'll definitely keep everybody posted on how my quest for the quintessential query is going.
    As for your blog, it rocks!
    hope you have an awesome week!

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  10. You have asked the most difficult/important question in the universe.

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  11. ICP...I can't believe how dedicated some people are to them...

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  12. Hahaha! Awesome read. I was wondering why my pants were so warm, thank you for solving that mystery good sir.

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  13. hahah hilarious, followed!
    alphabetalife.blogspot.com

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  14. Hahah, great post, you have a great writing style.

    Following, et cetera. :)

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  15. great post kept me interested right to the end! :)

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  16. your posts are genius! I'm looking forward to following this slice of heaven ;)

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  17. LOL the Thom Yorke gif is awesome!

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  18. Bahahaha!

    Seriously, I wonder if you could answer that question quantitatively? Like, highest measured IQ of a Down's Syndrome sufferer, or something like that... Bet the results would be surprising.

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  19. You don't know how much that means to me, Bonny. Many more to come. Thank you everyone.

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  20. Haha inventive post and utterly hilarious.

    If I had a nickel for every retard I ever encountered (I'm just kidding).

    Kanye West makes my skin crawl. I've never seen that quote before, but now I'm never going to forget it. Great stuff!

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  21. I really enjoy reading your blog! thanks!

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  22. Lol. just.. so much lol. Followed!

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  23. Kanye is for sure definitely not the smartest retarded. How he manages to remember to breathe still amazes me.

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  24. i just saw the owl at thet end. Absolutely cracking. nice post mate

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