Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance

       

       First of all, I want everyone to know I think endangered specieses are great and that we should definitely preserve them. That being said, I know I am not the only one who has wondered what platypus tastes like. I'm not sure if they're endangered or not, but they seem like they would be. I do however know for a fact that they fall into the category of Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance.
       Imagine if you will a world where you can go to your local grocery store and pick up a nice juicy lemon pepper rotisserie platypus, or how about a half dozen platypus eggs? Wouldn't that be the shit? And there would be so many more strange and amazing victuals to choose from. This is what I dream, and if you dream it, you can be it. Just do it, as they say. And I intend to do just that.
       Impossible is nothing. Yoda said that. I would never eat Yoda because he is far too intelligent and wise, and also I don't think he would taste very good. But enough of my prattling on. Let's get this delicious show on the road!

       Ah, the manatee. So serene and majestic, amirite? Wrong. They're fucking douchebags. Don't tell me this fat Wilford Brimley-looking fuck doesn't taste like heaven. A manatee burger needs to get in my belly like yesterday. There's a reason they are also known as "sea cows." In the world of the future you will be able to go to the local butcher of your preference and say "I'll have a pound and a half of ground chuck, please--manatee, that is." As sure as this creature has the diabeetus it will be so.

       Sorry, Sonic, but your people would make a delectable snack. I would love nothing more than to dunk these little guys in some beer batter and fry them until golden brown. I like mine with barbecue sauce. Some of you may prefer horseradish. Either way I think we can all agree that hedgehogs can go fuck themselves.

       Let us not forget for even a moment that this asshole has been shilling his bullshit sugary cereal to our children since the 60's, and is to some degree responsible for the obesity epidemic. Well it turns out that toucan meat is remarkably lean, and at the same time has a delightfully sweet citric undertone to its flavor, because fruit is what this fruitcake primarily eats. So think of this as the toucan's way of making amends.

      For some reason I just want to Gramatica this little bastard. I don't think I'm alone here. It just seems to be trying way too hard to be cute.  How the fuck did it ever survive in the wild? Seems like practically anything could completely own it. Seriously, Wikipedia doesn't explain this, so if anyone knows please tell me. I'm thinking maybe it shoots laser beams out of its eyes or something. It's a chinchilla, by the way.

        This is the proper way to take down a vintage grandmother. They are prized for their robust meat and for their lovely plaid evening wear. Inb4 this GIF is old.

       Sugar glider. Place in a greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Enjoy your Meat Roll-Up.

       You can't honestly tell me you wouldn't love to wipe that smug, shit-eating grin off this dickhead of an aquatic salamander's face. It's called and axolotl and it immigrated here illegally from Mexico. These freaky little fucks can regenerate limbs, and like to get their fuck on while they're still in the larval state. This makes for a lot of unwanted pregnancies, and they sometimes appear on Maury Povich to contest the paternity. I'll check y'all later I'm hungry as shit now.

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