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Thursday, March 3, 2011

Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance


       
       First of all, I want everyone to know I think endangered specieses are great and that we should definitely preserve them. That being said, I know I am not the only one who has wondered what platypus tastes like. I'm not sure if they're endangered or not, but they seem like they would be. I do however know for a fact that they fall into the category of Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance.
       Imagine if you will a world where you can go to your local grocery store and pick up a nice juicy lemon pepper rotisserie platypus, or how about a half dozen platypus eggs? Wouldn't that be the shit? And there would be so many more strange and amazing victuals to choose from. This is what I dream, and if you dream it, you can be it. Just do it, as they say. And I intend to do just that.
       Impossible is nothing. Yoda said that. I would never eat Yoda because he is far too intelligent and wise, and also I don't think he would taste very good. But enough of my prattling on. Let's get this delicious show on the road!



       Ah, the manatee. So serene and majestic, amirite? Wrong. They're fucking douchebags. Don't tell me this fat Wilford Brimley-looking fuck doesn't taste like heaven. A manatee burger needs to get in my belly like yesterday. There's a reason they are also known as "sea cows." In the world of the future you will be able to go to the local butcher of your preference and say "I'll have a pound and a half of ground chuck, please--manatee, that is." As sure as this creature has the diabeetus it will be so.



       Sorry, Sonic, but your people would make a delectable snack. I would love nothing more than to dunk these little guys in some beer batter and fry them until golden brown. I like mine with barbecue sauce. Some of you may prefer horseradish. Either way I think we can all agree that hedgehogs can go fuck themselves.



       Let us not forget for even a moment that this asshole has been shilling his bullshit sugary cereal to our children since the 60's, and is to some degree responsible for the obesity epidemic. Well it turns out that toucan meat is remarkably lean, and at the same time has a delightfully sweet citric undertone to its flavor, because fruit is what this fruitcake primarily eats. So think of this as the toucan's way of making amends.



      For some reason I just want to Gramatica this little bastard. I don't think I'm alone here. It just seems to be trying way too hard to be cute.  How the fuck did it ever survive in the wild? Seems like practically anything could completely own it. Seriously, Wikipedia doesn't explain this, so if anyone knows please tell me. I'm thinking maybe it shoots laser beams out of its eyes or something. It's a chinchilla, by the way.



        This is the proper way to take down a vintage grandmother. They are prized for their robust meat and for their lovely plaid evening wear. Inb4 this GIF is old.



       Sugar glider. Place in a greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Enjoy your Meat Roll-Up.



       You can't honestly tell me you wouldn't love to wipe that smug, shit-eating grin off this dickhead of an aquatic salamander's face. It's called and axolotl and it immigrated here illegally from Mexico. These freaky little fucks can regenerate limbs, and like to get their fuck on while they're still in the larval state. This makes for a lot of unwanted pregnancies, and they sometimes appear on Maury Povich to contest the paternity. I'll check y'all later I'm hungry as shit now.




52 comments:

  1. that dude really was happy! and they say being a father is a blessing

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  2. I grew up in Florida, and I think there was a story down there back in the 80s were a guy butchered and ate a manatee. He got into a lot of trouble for it of course, but he did say that he couldn't help himself because it tasted so good. Just a thought....

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  3. Well then this post is dedicated to him. I don't remember that but I would have been < 10. I grew up in Florida myself.

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  4. I'd admit I'd like a bit of that aquatic salamander.

    But otherwise none of the above.

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  5. I'd eat that salamander so damn good.

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  6. I would play with the animals and eat a Big Mac.
    Baxxmans

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  7. Haha I'm right with you, all those animals sound delicious! What I'm curious in trying is some koala bear or kangaroo...barbequed? sounds yum to me

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  8. I just died over the guy eating the baby sandwich. I'm sick, I know...

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  9. Oh god, I hate manatees. I say we poach 'em all.

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  10. Lol that's a little crazy eating all that.

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  11. So you're telling me you're interested in trying manatee but you've never even thought of eating Yoda? Man you're strange!

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  12. Im with ya man, I wanna try different animals too. Also the salamander is really cute :3

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  13. loved grandma kicker gif

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  14. don't taste cat unless you like rabbit. i tasted it once and it tastes like rabbit and it has much more bones :(

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  15. oh god, epic gifs there my friend!

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  16. Hahahaha great post!

    Had me smiling throughout, I can say you're probably the funniest blog I've come across and there's been quite a lot of tryhards on the way!

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  17. Some oven roasted manatee sounds tantalizing.

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  18. Any chance for a post on your feelings about Charlie Sheen, from a teetotaler's viewpoint. Is there envy? admiration? disgust? slacked jawed awe? Does it you make prone to reminisce?

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  19. Ha this has crossed my mind a bit, having a steak of a T-rex would be an experience but I'd reckon it would be to tough to be worth it.

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  20. ha nice post ;3!
    just made me hungry

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  21. Hahaha! Amazing! My GF (being a veggie) would freak out seeing this. But yeah it all sounds quite tempting. I've had Kangaroo, Shark, Snake and a few other weird ones before.

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    1. I'm a vegetable.... any of you free Friday night?? ;)

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  22. when youre done eating sonic, use the needle as a toothpick.

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  23. @Lush, I believe with the proper marinade it could be as tender as a ribeye. Impossible is nothing. Let's roll.

    @William, little homunculus loser that I am I am jealous of course. Chances are slim to none but slack jawed awe sounds about right.

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  24. last part made me laugh. ahhh... thank you.

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  25. This is the funniest shit I've read in a long time! I always tell my friends how some random animals look fucking delicious! Shit, I'd even eat my friends if I had to.

    I laughed till I cried when I saw that guy stone wall that old lady with his alligator shoes! I would give away a million bucks to kick an old lady like that! Especially the old bitch across the street...I can't stand her!

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  26. I think that your better of eating the mascots than the cereal in most cases.

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  27. That's it, I'm getting a chinchilla.

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  28. Love the blog man! Following and supporting

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  29. Hedgehog is so cute, eating him is terrible ((

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  30. one of my neighbors had chincilas, they didn't raise them to eat, but they looked kinda good.... lol, i would join you if you ever eat one.

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  31. Oh my god, the guy kicking the grandma is hilarious! Probably shouldn't be laughing, but I doubt it's real.

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  32. They're called sea cows because they're delicious!

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  33. Holy hell...that salamander scares the shit out of me. and its only a photo!

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  34. hahahah yeah i think the vintage grandmother and the hedgehogs might make for a good entree and side.

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