Alpha Males: Dominant Homozygotes With Extra Chromosomes

       This would not be considered a prime example of an alpha male. From my understanding they tend to be smoother than this.  But how much do we know about alpha males really? What really defines them, and furthermore what the fuck does "alpha" even mean? It sounds made-up to me. Well having just taken precious time from my busy porn day to go on Wikipedia, I can tell you it's a term primarily applied to animals, as in creatures that may fling their shit at one another or be down to fuck in a tree, and yet, somewhat curiously, is also applied humans, as in creatures that have a cerebral cortex and are capable of performing more complex operations, such as typing a blog post while subscribing to furry porn, and are capable of formulating abstract concepts, such as the concept of an alpha male. I can also tell you that "alpha" is German for "anus."

Well worth the $6.95 a month

       In the animal kingdom, an anus male is simply the male with highest rank. He gets to have sex with whoever he wants and he always gets to eat the yummiest piece of the carcass. But what constitutes an anus male among humans is a little less clear, and by a little I mean a lot. The most powerful, highest ranking man in the world is Barack Obama, and he is probably not what most would consider a prime example of an alpha male. I'm speculating here, but I am almost certain that more people would associate the term with someone like George Clooney, and he is nowhere near as powerful as Barack and has every STD, including LGV and chancroid. Again, I am speculating. But I would wager that still more people would associate the term "alpha male" with someone like Mike "The Situation" Douchanelli or whatever the fuck his name is, I am not about to waste twelve seconds of my life googling it--which just goes to show that we are clinically fucktarded as a society. And I'm sure that almost no one would consider Albert Einstein to be one, though his intellect was one of the most powerful forces of the 20th century, helping to usher in the nuclear age and doing all kinds of other shit I don't understand. Which is why I think most people's idea of an alpha male has more to do with rock hard abs and hair gel than anything else, which is why an alpha male is not something I particularly want to be. I could easily go on ranting for another 5,000 words or so, but you're probably just sitting there digitally stimulating your dog's asshole and wondering when I'm going to post some silly pictures already. Fine, I will, but don't sniff your finger. That's disgusting.

        Ultra-masculine film actor Vin Diesel is seen here getting his alpha on. You go girl. You've inspired me to start walking around with a carrot in my pants, so thank you for that.

       You don't necessarily need to have big muscles, or even be particularly handsome, to have a severe case of the alpha. Sometimes all you really need is a hat made from the fur of an alpha animal. And it doesn't hurt to have an alpha bitch and $300 million.

       Sometimes you just have to be on top of your game. Bitches love that.

       You might be two feet tall and weigh twenty-five pounds, but that doesn't mean you can't bench twice your own body weight. You know we on dat alpha shit.

        Alfalfa male is not really relevant to this. I just think it's fucked up that we live in a world where one of the Little Rascals died from being shot in the dick. I'm not joking, look.

you'redoingitwrong.jpg

       Sometimes an important part of being an alpha male is being an unfunny cuntface whose writing style has an obnoxious factor equal to one hundred Balkies.

This is Balki.

      Become the best at something. It doesn't matter what. Maybe your destiny is to be Fart Champion of the World. You will have to dethrone this guy.

       Use this skill for good and not evil. Fighting crime is a good place to start. The bad boy image will only take you where you want to go if it is tempered with a wholesome ethic.

       If you don't have any skills, you can always buy an ATV. Works every time. My friend Mr. Squirrel bought one of these bad boys and just a few weeks later he had squirrel chlamydia. In other words he became a winner. And so can you. You're welcome and enjoy your unlimited pussy.

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