Granting Wishes With My Magic Johnson

        I don't know if I've ever told you about my Magic Johnson, but it's pretty amazing. I can do all sorts of incredible things with it, such as flip through a newspaper without using my hands, or select your floor for you if we happen to be on an elevator together. With my Magic Johnson, I have literally cured hundreds of women of their stress and anxiety--sometimes merely waving it around causes them to have stress-relieving convulsions. Once I was a little too forceful with my Magic Johnson and I accidentally turned a woman to dust. But on the hole it's done a lot more good than harm. On the whole, I mean. It's starting to look like my Magic Johnson will defy all odds and live forever and ever.

       The last time I used my Magic Johnson on a woman, she had a baby that turned out to be a super genius. This all happened yesterday.

       A little while back, I let some college cheerleaders polish my Magic Johnson for good luck. They went on to win the Division 1A Hip Hop National Championships.

       Even the mighty silverback gorilla gets scared when I whip out my Magic Johnson.

       One time I busted out the old Magic Johnson for Oprah. That was the day she gave everyone a car.

       Here is a classic photograph of the perennially awesome Betty White, with her arms wrapped confidently around you guessed it, my Magic Johnson.

No fucking way am I doing one for this. Next picture.

Dude, fuck you. Seriously.

       Okay, now this I can work with. It is widely speculated that during the filming of the kung-fu masterpiece Kill Bill: Volume 1, Uma Thurman stayed at the peak of fitness by using a chin-up bar known as my Magic Johnson.

Hmmm. Looks like someone got a hold of my Magic Johnson.

       On December 9, 2006, Joan Higginbotham became the third female African American astronaut when she was launched into space on my Magic Johnson.

pic unrelated

       Boudicca was quite possibly the baddest bitch who ever walked the earth. As queen of the Iceni tribe, she led a revolt against occupying forces of the Roman Empire. Among other acts of extreme badassery, she burned London to the ground, and left 70 or 80,000 Roman fuckfaces in a state of total death. Then she sailed to Byzantium aboard the good ship my Magic Johnson.

       The Epic of Gilgamesh is one of the oldest stories in the world, and apparently deals with bestiality on some level? Well I really don't know, but one thing it definitely deals with is this major flood they had which sucked a lot of ass. But what it doesn't explain is that this massive discharge of salty fluid had everything to do with 700 sacred prostitutes of the goddess Ishtar, the goddess herself, and a massive game of tug-o-war with none other than my Magic Johnson. You're welcome for this.

    

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