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Friday, April 1, 2011

Old People I Could Defeat In A Fight




       Your first impression of this GIF might be that it's not really related to much of anything, which just goes to show that your impressions are full of shit. It is very much related to my feelings toward old people, and shows how I would go to practically any length to kick and old person's ass, if I had a hankering to do that, which I always do. You see, the thing about me is that I grew up in South Florida, where the old people are thicker than mosquitos, and much like those detestable creatures, love nothing more than to suck the life out of your supple young skin. They pinch their precious pennies their whole fucking lives and omit close loved ones from their wills so that they can afford to come down there and live like termites in high-rise condominiums by the beach. Sounds pretty awesome, huh? Wrong, it sucks ass. Pretty much all they fucking do is drive horribly and vote, and if they're not doing one of those two things then they are probably driving horribly to a voting booth somewhere, or they are tipping a waiter seventy-five cents after getting refill after refill and asking for their brisket "very lean." They are the scum of the earth and I fucking hate them.
       And if there be any doubt among you as to my ability to kick wholesale old person ass, I submit the following photograph as undeniable proof.


       I am the fucking badass on the left. My homeboy Marshall is on the right. We bump beats loud in that bitch and do whatever the fuck we want. I can almost guarantee you that Cyndi Lauper or some other street shit was blaring at decibels that would make most people's ears bleed, and before you start to question our sexuality let me go ahead and assure you that we are gayer than shit. We are so gay we suffer from heterophobia.

Example:
I saunter into Marshall's bedroom semi-nude as I so often do and find that he is reading a Sports Illustrated while wrestling a grizzly bear and ripping electrical wires out of the wall with his bare hands.

Me: "Bro, if you're gonna do shit like that you need to call no hetero."

       But just because we bugger each other in the ass does not mean we couldn't take out an entire Piccadilly full of old people if we had do, and believe me, we have to. But let's say Marshall came down with mono from making out with his girlfriend. Well, first of all, he would definitely have to call 'no hetero,' and secondly, I would have to do this shit on my own.

     

       If this is what happens when you get on an escalator, I would hate to see what happens when the freight train known as my fist arrives right on schedule and it's time for you to ride it. All aboard you decrepit son of a bitch.




       I would like to introduce you all to Dorothy Densmore. This stupid old hag called 911 twenty times in thirty minutes to complain about a pizza parlor. Imagine the surprise on the face of this dried-up fishwife when it backfired and the police arrived at her door, and she was cuffed and shoved rather roughly into the back of a squad car and taken for a ride downtown. She's lucky I didn't get to her first. I would have viciously attacked her with the business end of a pizza cutter, then held her down and shaken red pepper flakes into her eye.




       It's always amusing when old people try to embrace our technology, that is until they get frustrated and start throwing a temper tantrum, using antiquated curse words and blaming various ethnic groups for all of their problems. Then it becomes appropriate to devastate their face with a flurry of punishing punches.




Come at me, bro.




       Sorry John McCain, but your crazy old man eyes don't frighten me at all.  If you thought that bamboo cage was constricting, let's see what you think of my figure-four choke hold.




       I don't give a flying fuck how things were back in your day. Today you are going to meet your maker. Then we are going to turn your lawn into a blacktop so that all the kids in the neighborhood can play foursquare.




       If I were him I would have used the PIT maneuver, causing that incontinent old dyke and her gas guzzler to slide harmlessly into someone's lawn. Then as I was driving past I would have fed her a molotov cocktail.




To be honest, I'm not entirely confident about this one.
      



       It is common knowledge that old people like to horde all their money, as if they will somehow be able to buy their way into heaven. But if me and my brass knuckles have anything to say about it, they will first have to experience hell on earth.




I would not harm this gentle spirit. 




       If you want to walk around with that shit-eating grin on your flabby old face, then don't be surprised when I make you eat shit.




       This is probably the old person who has pissed me off most as of late. I would put on my big boots and kick him in the pearlies, and when he bends over I would just sulk him in the ok computer with a bunch of spinning plates. Then he wouldn't feel so lucky. He would wish he was bulletproof and want to disappear completely, but I wouldn't tell him how.




       Okay, all joking aside, it's time for you to get in the box, Andy Rooney. It's getting to the point where your "essays" are so boring they are making people impotent. You make the other people on 60 Minutes seem vivacious by comparison. I strongly suspect you have been legally dead for six or seven years now. Don't worry, you can be buried with all of your decorative books.


       And tell your crazy-as-shit brother that having to wait until the ungodly hour of 6pm to eat dinner at Western Sizzlin' doesn't constitute abuse.




       In the future, we will have robots to give old people their just comeuppance, while we sit on the couch and eat grilled cheese sandwiches made by other robots, but until then I have my work cut out for me.






136 comments:

  1. Oh damn, I laughed hard. Old people suck.

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  2. oh mein...
    heil dem buttergott!

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  3. some old folks have a lot more abilities than you may think. hey we all get old! lol

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  4. mmm just be careful you might just run into epic beardman and he will gladly hand you a can of whip ass.

    Check out Lifehack's guide to making a hollow book Out Now!

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  5. I grew up in S. Florida too and even had the misfortune of living in Ft. Myers for a bit, which is basically like the elephant graveyard for old northerners. I know from whence your rage comes and I give you a hearty thumbs up for this hilarious (as always) post!

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  6. @Mike, you will notice that he was conspicuously absent from this list.

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  7. so many oldz on one blog! You're about that one dude though, he looks pretty rough (a lifetime of hatred perhaps?) and not sure if he'd go down easy.

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  8. ahaha funny!!!

    aw the one with the vampires back in the day!!

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  9. cool i hope you end up beating up some of these geezers, just dont punch my grandpa if you see him haha

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  10. Im not against old people, but those pics are HILARIOUS XD

    http://sonicalwarfare.blogspot.com/

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  11. Haha great read mate, very funny. I've grown to hate old people in the last year or so

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  12. hahaha just when I thought you were finishing off, you just brought more and more laughs. And I couldn't argue against a single point made XD

    btw, where did you and your partner get that dildo in the background? I quite like the shape and would like to try it out for myself. Do you recommend it?

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  13. that's funny. great blog
    following!

    incredible-mo.blogspot.com

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  14. I thought that last pic was some sort of video game version of pizza the hut :-P

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  15. ah, great content, love the commentary- keep it up!

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  16. hahahaha this is awesome! I steer clear of elderly drivers when I can! They scare me.

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  17. Laughed my ass off! Thats why I respect old people.

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  18. This is friggin hilarious! Followed

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  19. I laughed for a straight half hour then showed it to everybody I know. You should work for Cracked. Their articles are just like this.

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  20. i really appreciate that, man. i'll probably look into something like that eventually but for now i'm gonna stick to doing this blog.

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  21. Lol funny blog wow i love the gifs

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  22. Longest post I've ever seen...but I enjoyed it all. Haha.

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  23. That was amazing. I hate old people.

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  24. We all grow old in the end D:

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  25. LOL hilarious post. Made my day!

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  26. This a really long and thought post!

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  27. Haha damn dude, that was funny as fuck, great post. The first gif was fucking incredible, thanks for making the world a better place.

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  28. Rofl, balet old man.. so lame hahaha

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  29. hahahaha in my old town of nanaimo there was HELLA old people too man. They would come into the home depot there and just wanna chat for an hour made me wanna poke my eyes out with a hot fork.

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  30. hahaha the "back in my days" picture. insta saved!

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  31. Yeah I liked that one too TheHarvester.

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  32. The problem is that people have less children then some years back and the old people life to older age and soon the whole world will be only old people :X

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  33. this fantastic dwelling of malice and hatred is being followed..
    any thoughts on how you will battle your own downwards descent into the maelstrom known as old age?

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  34. Most of us will eventually become old. I think that we should respect older people.

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  35. Aw man I love your writing style! just... epic :D

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  36. LOL @ elevator + thom yorke

    Following!

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  37. Wow, epic! Must say I could not agree more; old people are nothing more than a drain on society, they have held us back for decades and in my opinion people should be put down the second the hit 60, if not sooner

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  38. haha this is a pretty sweet blog post.

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  39. Oh snap, what a great blog :D
    Following for sure, keep it up, I am cracking up, hah!

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  40. I grew up in Central Florida. Also a lot of old fucks that live here. Man. Hilarious post.

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  41. nice blog!
    followed!

    http://all-around-toto.blogspot.com/

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  42. Lol the "get out of the way" gif was halarious. Nice blog!

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  43. Also, old people smell like poop.

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  44. the escalator video is hilarious

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  45. lol old people piss me off when they drive slow.

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  46. funny story about old people, i completely agree about when they drive slow, its hell.

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  47. i like your blog. keep up the good work

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  48. @R. Cutts, I plan on becoming a robot or RoboCop type creature. I just need to find someone who knows a lot about science.

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  49. I love your sense of humour, and attitude. Followed.

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  50. funny post.
    yet still we have to respect old people. thanks.

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  51. if you need help on those old people, I can help with this freight train of pain!

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  52. didn't read LoL!
    this blog brings the lulz. followed

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  53. I'm not quite sure what's going on. But it's funny. Very funny.

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  54. Great blog entry, guy. Now I hate old people ten times as much!

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  55. You sure hate old people. :D

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  56. im never getting old im just going to stop at 30 that sounds good to me

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  57. Hah, wow, now that's hating with a passion. Putting those old people in their place (or just putin' them) is going to take some serious work. Following to see what's next.

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  58. Lol. Nice post. Can I ask, how do you imagen yourself in 40 years?

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  59. most old people are nice! and were all going to be old one day!

    Still I imagine some old people are just jerks making advantage of their pension...

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  60. ahhahaaahh your blog makes me laugh

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  61. is that the dude from the "shit my dad says" twitter blog?

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  62. LOL. Great post. Old people can be extremely hilarious sometimes.

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  63. It's a good post and laughed a bit but old people are awesome. FUCKING CLINT EASTWOOD WILL SLAUGHTER YOU WHILE YOUR SLEEPING. eli wallace, ennio morricone, BETTY WHITE, CHRISTOPHER LEE, MICKEY ROONEY, PLUMMER, JAMES EARL JONES
    DICK VAN DYKE

    seriously :D

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  64. The old they think they own everything.

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  65. a new leaf said to old leaf "oh my, u r pale and wrinkly" and there the sun was setting..

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  66. @-M-, see above about becoming a robot

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  67. The man on the escalator was a funny gif.

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  68. Holy shit, mate. I laughed hysterically at almost ever post on here. Oh my god!

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  69. I am still laughing so hard I can hardly type. Awesome

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  70. i loved the escalator gif, i lol'd bad

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  71. This is a hilarious post. Btw, i'm looking for $upport.

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  72. I lived on the beach in Florida and I feel your rage....totally fucking feel it. I also worked at a nursing home for 2 years, old people are the most ungrateful fucks ever and expect you to be their fucking slaves.

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  73. Hi, I;m Karolina. ;))
    You have a very nice blog .. it is wonderful and beautiful .. I greet the Polish;))~; ^

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  74. This is so wrong, but so right.
    +following!

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  75. I lol'd at the "I would not hurt this gentle soul." And sweet god do I agree about Andy Rooney. He is such an old person stereotype. His "essays" are all just basically variations on "why is shit changing?" that old people suck at understanding.

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  76. Oh dear... Don't be beating up old people now! Following and supporting.

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  77. Oh my God, that was hilarious!

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  78. I havn't laughed this bad for a good while. most definitely following!

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  79. This is so funny. Keep it coming bro

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  80. Hahaha, that's too awesome. We've all thought about beating up old people, but I applaud you for complying a list

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  81. totally reminds me of Maddoxx's oldest stuff. Your absurdity IS LAUGHABLE!!
    followed like a boss.

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  82. lol funny post. following

    Support the cause! *click*

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  83. That was one long read, with a lot of entertainment! I remember watching the youtube video of the crazy old lady. She went full retard.

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  84. lmfao I can't wait to get old so I can raise some hell and end up on the news....or at least Youtube!!!

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  85. Wow i think you just said what is in the head of everyone under 35

    For comic reviews and discussions
    http://marvelcomicuniverse.blogspot.com/

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  86. after reading this blog post I realize that the internet may indeed exist to serve two purposes:

    1. to archive Captain Planet slash fiction and fan art.
    2. and to share your humor with the world.

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  87. The sheer randomness of what I just read was amazing... keep up the good work. Followin!

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  88. I love Appellate Sky. This is so fun to read on a relaxed Sunday!

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  89. I wouldn't try to fight the man in the mugshot, either. He looks like he has been through some tough times. Though, fighting a man falling down an escalator just doesn't seem fair, does it?

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  90. Nice thinks ... but why everything in one post ?!

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  91. I'm sorry but against this woman you don't stand a chance.

    http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2011/04/phone-sex-grandma-is-absolutely-amazing

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  92. lol first pic rocks.. u're not my real dad :>

    good blog! following

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  93. your posts are always awesome

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  94. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  95. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  96. "Back in my day vampires sucked blood not cock!" So true...

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  97. I just laughed myself to tears reading this.

    Yeah yeah I know, creepy, girl reading and commenting on all your posts. I swear I'm not that mentally fucked, just bored and amused.

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