Unsung Heroes of the Criminal Underworld

       It has been said that unsung heroes never deserve the credit they think they should get, that they fail to realize they are just average people instead of something really special. I for one fully agree with this statement, and don't understand how they can be so deluded. But one thing I know for sure is that they are boring as shit. Every time I see one of those specials on CNN I want to yawn my face off.

       Another thing I have noticed is that unsung heroes are almost always ugly--in that respect I suppose they are remarkable. They are some of the least camera-friendly people I have ever seen or heard of, and the fact that they have enriched lives or whatever does nothing to mitigate this. So I have decided to compile my own roster of unsung heroes who are not so objectionable to look at and who are not the living equivalent of a roofie. In fact if you ask me these guys are pretty awesome. They are The Unsung Heroes of the Criminal Underworld.

       Little Richard the elf was a jolly old chap with a love for pointy hats and an honest day's work. He was dedicated to his career and loved every minute of crafting his fine snow for the children until they shot him in the fucking head, not the children but someone else. He is survived by his life partner David the Gnome.

       Three-year-old Bobby Connors has never been big on complicating things. He operates on the simple belief that girls are doodie-heads, and he has made it his business to make them pay. I couldn't agree more and I applaud him for his efforts.

       Jamiroquai the monkey never planned on being a killer--but then again he never planned on a lot of things. His life took a dramatic turn in the summer of 1980 when his monkey bride was abducted and sold into sex slavery. Don't ever honeymoon in Bangkok.

       Rowena Rubberface has been dealt some devastating blows in her life, but she always bounces back.

       Marty was told he would never amount to anything since he was merely a middle finger. Big mistake telling Marty that, Mr. Index. Now you get to watch your boy Ring get his throat slit. 

 

Related in ways you couldn't possibly understand.

Well then I must say that's a pretty shitty fish you caught. Let her keep it.

By the way this is Benjamin Button.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Just ask Liberace the rat.

       Breanna the baby bookie isn't buying your sob story. She has never really been interested in your bullshit. You have two choices, staring contest or a knife in your ass (I would probably go with b.).

Bobby Connors is so awesome I'm acknowledging him twice.

Manny the Mannequin has pretensions of being hoodrich.

Baconlegs and Coach Pooter

Cannibalistic Fuckerface

and finally

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