Rebellious Teens and Other Repellent Things

        In a recent study conducted by NASA it was revealed that approximately 9 out of 9 teens are fucking douchebags. When I heard about this study I was surprised to say the least. My reaction was probably about like this.

       But it wasn't because that statistic was higher than I expected. In fact, I think I expected that teens would somehow do the impossible and be even douchier than that. No, what surprised me was that the same people who can claim such landmark achievements as the invention of astronaut ice cream could be so obtuse as to think that would be a good study to conduct. How dare they waste our tax dollars on such bunkum, I thought. Then I went for a drive to get some ice cream because I was going to attempt to freeze-dry it like the astronauts do, because it's ten times better that way, when all of a sudden I saw this kickass meteor streak across the sky, and I was suddenly reminded of how little we all are. I come from a tribe of Mbuti pygmies and we are all very small. Actually that thought wasn't really related to the meteor.

       

       But I got to thinking about little people and that reminded me of dwarfs, which reminded me of this video, which reminded me of how sweet and innocent the children are, which reminded me of how tragic it is that they turn into the filthy fucking shitty ass degenerate dirtbags we commonly call "teens". But it has just now occurred to me that some of my readers may actually be teens, and if that happens to be the case just know I am talking about other teens and not you. You are super smart and mature and I would never wish for you to die.

        

       You know what's a really non-conformist thing to do is to not ever wear your seatbelt, ever, but you get extra non-conformist points for jumping off a building (but not any of my dear teenage friends who are reading this).

       You just had to be in a picture that's not related to anything, didn't you? You're not making this any easier you smarmy little fuck.  

 

You're goddam right I am, this is serious. Also I'm not your bro.

      

       Actually, goth is already for pussies. Emo is for people who make pussies seem like the Incredible Hulk throwing a bear the length of a football field.

notabigdeal.jpg  

       Hanging out with one Fran Drescher--let alone four of them--is not nearly as cool as you apparently think it is, Rebecca.

Sloths, on the other hand, are pretty fucking cool.

     You may not be an actual teen, but you are definitely trying. And that is why you deserve every bit of this and worse.

       If I had my way it would be your people who were the minorities, sir, and I'm not talking about Mormons I'm talking about teens.

       Oh teens, why can't you be more like our friend Mr. Polar Bear? Eh plays with his tube all day and doesn't afraid of anything. Personally I think he's a pretty cool guy.

       But no, you have to be like this instead.

       Enough with the fucking melodrama already. Enough with saying "fuck you dad" in almost everything you do. Your views are retarded and you should keep them to yourself. There are more important issues than the legalization of pot. Most cops are not murdering thieving rapists, and do not do the drugs they confiscate, man. Stop acting like you know what the fuck you are talking about when it's a genetic fact that you have a head full of dogshit. So eat your fucking vegetables and shut the fuck up.

       Except for my loyal readers. You guys are awesome.

       Well, I'm afraid my Mbuti brethren require my assistance and I will have to be getting on. Gonna take out my anger at teens on a punk-ass elephant.

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