My Unbridled Hatred for Intolerant People and Hippies

       In my younger and more vulnerable years my friend gave me some LSD that has been rainbowing around in my head ever since. "Listen to jam bands," said the LSD, "just remember never to pay to see Widespread Panic, because even if you take a bunch of me they're still only so-so." Well it was around that time that I realized I really liked jam bands. Throughout high school and freshman year of college my love for jam bands continued to blossom and flourish, like a trippy neon space flower exploding into a kagillion little phosphorescent pieces, and forming the rings around a trippy-ass version of Saturn and then exploding again, and also I continued taking LSD. And then I can remember at some point during my sophomore year of college I arrived at the conclusion that the jam bands I had once thought were so amazing were actually kind of terrible, and it occurred to me around that same time that it had been several months since I had taken you guessed it, LSD.
       But I can say with some degree of pride that in the five or so years that I was tripping the light fantastic I never did become what you could reasonably call a hippie. I continued taking advantage of what modern hygiene had to offer, and I never shat in the woods or participated in a drum circle. I mean at Big Cypress I did actually shit in the woods, but had you seen the condition of some of those port-a-lets you would understand why--I mean it certainly was not that I wanted to shit in the woods--and you would agree that that isolated incident does not make me a hippie, even though I did participate in a drum circle or two.

 
        I forgot to mention that I will also be posting some pictures of really, really despicable people. I assure you this is just a matter of happenstance. I promise it is not my intention to draw a correlation between Osama Bin Laden and hippies.

       We all know that hippies fucking love the planet Earth. And while I see nothing inherently wrong with that, I think this is a little extreme.

Oh yes I did, Sassy Hitler. Oh yes I did.

       This GIF will keep the hippies occupied for the next 4 to 20 hours, while the rest of you will finish reading this post in a matter of minutes, and go on to do something that contributes to society.

       I think we can all agree that Jim Jones was not the best guy. And not to suggest that he was a hippie or anything, but he lived on a fucking commune in the forest and had what he referred to as his "rainbow family." He is also responsible for one of the largest mass murders/mass suicides in history. There's a book about it for anyone who's interested, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.

Mother of God, these space hippies are terrifying.

       This is Wavy Gravy, and he wants nobody for president. You will notice that his website, like the man himself, is stuck in a bygone decade. But the great irony now is that with Jerry Garcia, Timothy Leary, and Ken Kesey gone, the likeliest de facto president of the hippies is Wavy-fucking-Gravy. I predict he will squander their federal budget on rainbows and clown parades.

       Alarmingly, studies indicate that hippies are becoming even groovier and further out than they were in the 60's. It is believed that the Common Tour Rat, a.k.a. phatti microbus, is the most revoltingly far out species the world has ever seen. Indeed they are so far out that they have their own unique language, and consume special drugs that your average louse-free employed square has never even heard of, such as headies, pressies, and firemost shards. Regrettably they are not shards of glass that are on fire, but instead are crystalline MDMA, which actually seems to nourish phatti microbus, and provides him with the energy necessary to sell the shittiest grilled cheese sandwiches known to man, the bread for which he most likely stole from the dumpster behind Wal-Mart. Forgive me if I'm not being "good family" by telling them your secrets, Common Tour Rat. In 1998 one of your womenfolk charged me $60 for a skimpy bag of mediocre kind bud, and I've never forgotten that. I'm sure in her little rodential mind I was just another "custie," but guess what, I wasn't, and I am now raining down vengeance upon you and your entire people with the power of my clever words and comical images. Schwilly, brah. Schwilly, indeed.

       I'm not trying to imply that Ted Kaczynski is a hippie, but one thing he definitely has in common with some of the early radical political hippies is that he didn't like certain abstract ideas and decided to try bombing them. Amazingly, it didn't have the desired effect. I know that many of those aforementioned flower children were angry about actual things, such as the Vietnam War, but I think that the actual things were really just symbols for some abstract and juvenile resentments made blurrier by bong smoke. I mean I get that it was atrocious. Henry Kissinger was, is, one of the worst war criminals of the latter half of the 20th century, and they gave him a fucking Peace Prize. I get that that's a travesty and I would have been angry too. But the solution is not to bomb your local police and/or their commemorative statues. That's just dumb. I mean grow up already. Some of you are old enough to be my parents and still haven't.

Tweet