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Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Unbridled Hatred for Intolerant People and Hippies



       In my younger and more vulnerable years my friend gave me some LSD that has been rainbowing around in my head ever since. "Listen to jam bands," said the LSD, "just remember never to pay to see Widespread Panic, because even if you take a bunch of me they're still only so-so." Well it was around that time that I realized I really liked jam bands. Throughout high school and freshman year of college my love for jam bands continued to blossom and flourish, like a trippy neon space flower exploding into a kagillion little phosphorescent pieces, and forming the rings around a trippy-ass version of Saturn and then exploding again, and also I continued taking LSD. And then I can remember at some point during my sophomore year of college I arrived at the conclusion that the jam bands I had once thought were so amazing were actually kind of terrible, and it occurred to me around that same time that it had been several months since I had taken you guessed it, LSD.
       But I can say with some degree of pride that in the five or so years that I was tripping the light fantastic I never did become what you could reasonably call a hippie. I continued taking advantage of what modern hygiene had to offer, and I never shat in the woods or participated in a drum circle. I mean at Big Cypress I did actually shit in the woods, but had you seen the condition of some of those port-a-lets you would understand why--I mean it certainly was not that I wanted to shit in the woods--and you would agree that that isolated incident does not make me a hippie, even though I did participate in a drum circle or two.



 
        I forgot to mention that I will also be posting some pictures of really, really despicable people. I assure you this is just a matter of happenstance. I promise it is not my intention to draw a correlation between Osama Bin Laden and hippies.





       We all know that hippies fucking love the planet Earth. And while I see nothing inherently wrong with that, I think this is a little extreme.





Oh yes I did, Sassy Hitler. Oh yes I did.





       This GIF will keep the hippies occupied for the next 4 to 20 hours, while the rest of you will finish reading this post in a matter of minutes, and go on to do something that contributes to society.




       I think we can all agree that Jim Jones was not the best guy. And not to suggest that he was a hippie or anything, but he lived on a fucking commune in the forest and had what he referred to as his "rainbow family." He is also responsible for one of the largest mass murders/mass suicides in history. There's a book about it for anyone who's interested, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.




Mother of God, these space hippies are terrifying.




       This is Wavy Gravy, and he wants nobody for president. You will notice that his website, like the man himself, is stuck in a bygone decade. But the great irony now is that with Jerry Garcia, Timothy Leary, and Ken Kesey gone, the likeliest de facto president of the hippies is Wavy-fucking-Gravy. I predict he will squander their federal budget on rainbows and clown parades.




       Alarmingly, studies indicate that hippies are becoming even groovier and further out than they were in the 60's. It is believed that the Common Tour Rat, a.k.a. phatti microbus, is the most revoltingly far out species the world has ever seen. Indeed they are so far out that they have their own unique language, and consume special drugs that your average louse-free employed square has never even heard of, such as headies, pressies, and firemost shards. Regrettably they are not shards of glass that are on fire, but instead are crystalline MDMA, which actually seems to nourish phatti microbus, and provides him with the energy necessary to sell the shittiest grilled cheese sandwiches known to man, the bread for which he most likely stole from the dumpster behind Wal-Mart. Forgive me if I'm not being "good family" by telling them your secrets, Common Tour Rat. In 1998 one of your womenfolk charged me $60 for a skimpy bag of mediocre kind bud, and I've never forgotten that. I'm sure in her little rodential mind I was just another "custie," but guess what, I wasn't, and I am now raining down vengeance upon you and your entire people with the power of my clever words and comical images. Schwilly, brah. Schwilly, indeed.





       I'm not trying to imply that Ted Kaczynski is a hippie, but one thing he definitely has in common with some of the early radical political hippies is that he didn't like certain abstract ideas and decided to try bombing them. Amazingly, it didn't have the desired effect. I know that many of those aforementioned flower children were angry about actual things, such as the Vietnam War, but I think that the actual things were really just symbols for some abstract and juvenile resentments made blurrier by bong smoke. I mean I get that it was atrocious. Henry Kissinger was, is, one of the worst war criminals of the latter half of the 20th century, and they gave him a fucking Peace Prize. I get that that's a travesty and I would have been angry too. But the solution is not to bomb your local police and/or their commemorative statues. That's just dumb. I mean grow up already. Some of you are old enough to be my parents and still haven't.



121 comments:

  1. Damn, Wavy Gravy is old, and his site sucks. I'm glad I never needed drugs to see the universe, just a telescope. Hippies piss me off, I dated a hippie once, that was a terrible idea.

    Also, the guy in your first photo looks like a guy I knew from college, he's probably still there. Everyone called him "Thrasher" although he never thrashed, that's a violent action beyond him. His real name was Tom, and he was a giant sandy vagina that was stupid as shit and couldn't graduate from any of his gen ed classes.

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  2. I'd forgotten all about Wavey Gravey. Oh man.

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  3. Haha nice post, cartman :) i lol'd

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  4. Goddamn Wavy Gravy. Jesus, blast from the fucking past. I ask one question: is there anything that hippies do right?

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  5. that dog's face is priceless. i doubt hippies have contributed anything valuable to this world.

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  6. "I never shat in the woods or participated in a drum circle. " haha. I would never take LSD. Too afraid of psychosis.
    Btw that dog gif is nice. Didn know this version with the shell-shock

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  7. The way I see it, if you fit into a "subculture," you're doing it wrong.

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  8. very nice indeed! love the dog gif with the scary pictures

    You can visit my blog here.

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  9. Duuude...........wait what?

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  10. Lots of great pics posted there.

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  11. Never thought of it that way. I like hippies.

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  12. I, for one, have nothing against hippies. well, at least nothing against the ones who haven't tried to sell me one of those ridiculous bracelets. i wish i had the guts to be like "mothafucka do i look like someone who'd wear that shit? fuck no! now get the hell outta here and go take a fucking shower"
    my city is full of hippies and despite their terrible smell, they really don't bother us that much. we kind of have something else to be bothered about: fucking muggers.

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  13. hahahaha omg I actually rofl'd irl.... brilliant post XD

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  14. @Generally Disgruntled, I've noticed they're really good at getting arrested.

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  15. Wow, incredible post :) That was entertaining :p

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  16. love the way you write^^
    its super fun to read!

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  17. space hippies? Oh man, now I've seen everything :)

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  18. South Park has done a lot of damage to the term hippie

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  19. Lovely blog and post! keep up the great work!

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  20. Oh, my god I laughed my ass out, seriously.

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  21. random blog but i saved a few of those funny .gifs keep up the awesome

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  22. space hippies ! wow, that's a real headache

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  23. Even if the post title is doubly contradicting, I enjoyed this quite a lot.

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  24. hippies still around? was not aware

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  25. lol this blog is pretty funny =D

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  26. Hahaha. You made me crack up. Thanks for the insights into your life, the funny gifs, and congrats on being able to resist the hippie lifestyle.

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  27. i HATE hippy's. like they left their brains on woodstock...

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  28. I don't like hippies either, dirty animals haha. The dog gif at the end is pretty tight.

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  29. “five or so years that I was tripping the light fantastic”

    You’re. A. Genius.

    Unfortunately I cannot join you in this battle. My enemy is the chav, for he is a parasite who collects unearned disability benefits and challenges random pedestrians to fights with his eight or so mates right behind him.

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  30. Cool blog!! :)
    ciao ciao from Rome
    BExCLUSIVE MAGAZINE

    http://bexclusivemagazine.blogspot.com/

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  31. Good read. Will make sure to check in in the future for more blogs.

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  32. ahaha That dog looks petrified!

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  33. Well bend me over and call me Mrs. Pickle! That one picture with the tree huggers fucking Mother Earth was brilliant! Simply satisfying! In fact, that picture alone made me want to follow you. Keep shit like that up and I just might, dedicate a post to you.

    picklesinmyass.blogspot.com

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  34. Eric Cartman hates hippies. I hate hippies.

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  35. I had to lol hard at the pics. nice :D

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  36. @Drake, I find it appropriate that you mention the chav now since here in the States it's Memorial Day, and the chav truly does make me proud to be an American.

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  37. @Mrs. P., the thought of you doing that really tickles my pickle.

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  38. HAH, i feel that dog's pain
    i'm kind of neutral towards hippies, as long as none of them have their ways with my lawn

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  39. haha alright i actually smiled at those they surprised me hard

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  40. We have a lot of hippies around here. It's funny when you're walking along the street, looking down, and you see a pair of nice legs... okay, awesome. Then you glance up a little and see a slender stomach and a nice rack... okay, great... then you glance up a little further and see dreadlocks that haven't been washed in 6 and a half months. And you kinda wish you hadn't looked to begin with.

    UGH. HIPPIE.

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  41. Whoa! Where did you find those pictures? Amazing!

    Joyce
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  42. You've got a fabulously entertaining blog. Glad you dropped by so I could discover this place. A California native who lived in the Bay Area for nearly 2 decades, I really like your digs at hippies and wish they'd wear deodorant.

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  43. So I stumbled across your blog and you are HILARIOUS.

    I'm sure a ton of people tell you that, so...I shall stop talking now.

    Followed. :D

    And I don't really have anything against hippies as long as they keep the BO under control.

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  44. "Alarmingly, studies indicate that hippies are becoming even groovier and further out than they were in the 60's."
    Oh great. Just what we need!
    I'll be here, drinking your Kool Aid. ;)

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  45. those pictures are hilarious! xD

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  46. Fucking hippies!! Smokin' grass and sittin' around all day. They haven't held a job since 1969, and they fucking wear TIE DYE. WTF? Who wears TIE DYE?
    That last gif of the dog had me cracking up. I'm going to carry my laptop outside to show my boyfriend. Lol

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  47. In my day, peeps doing LCD were going to raves. Jam bands and hippies weren't cool in NYC in the early 90s. :)

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  48. Hey, thanks for following. Apparently you're one popular hombre, better follow you back, wouldn't want to miss out on al the fun you dish out. Way cool pics, where did you get them?
    Peace out!

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  49. nice gif of the naked man.

    damn hippies!

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  50. Cool gifs. Made my day. :D
    Jam bands are not that bad actually. I don't think it's necessary to be high in order to listen to them. I listen to Phish while having my morning tea. lol.
    Found you through google search. Nice blog :)

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  51. Holy hell. Where have you been all my life?

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  52. I once met a hippie, told me a story about someone uhhhh pooping! in the middle of a conversation with a bunch of people and apparently nobody cared. My mind got scarred since that moment.

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  53. I would come here right before bed.....with these images burned into my head. Sweet dreams for me.

    Thanks for stopping by....following back. Your blog is a hoot!

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  54. Ahhh... the hippie. Generally, I don't mind them if they leave me alone. You can get some good bud from them, but that's about it. Honestly, while living in the hippie capital of the NW, I haven't been bugged too many times. I do agree though... Jam bands blow. And this city fucking loves them.

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  55. I almost hate hippies as much as Osama. Almost.

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  56. Those are some great images. Thanks for sharing.

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  57. amazing collection of pic..LOL at Hitlers neck wobble.

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  58. Haha LOL nice post, followed

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  59. Some of these were new to me. Tnx mate

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  60. loll its true. hippies tend to mistake ignorance with free thought. LOL the gifs were really funny too.

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  61. The only people worse than hippies are Juggalos

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  62. This post is so awesome! I love your blog man! :D +follow!

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  63. Yeah, hippies are silly. Following!

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  64. lol that wavy gravy site is stuck in 1994

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  65. haha this is the stuff man, great work

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  66. That was really entertaining! I don't care much for hippies myself.

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  67. Hahah love the pictures

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  68. Gifs are awesome and so is the post.Good worké

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  69. Hehe, pretty funny and insightful.

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  70. crazy story :P funny gifs! keep it coming +follow

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  71. Hippies....my worst enemy!!

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  72. Haha, yes! Thank-you for those early morning chuckles! However intolorant poeple < hippies... That is a fact.

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  73. This is a great write up. I'm looking forward to reading more of your writings.

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  74. the hitler pic STILL makes me laugh =D

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  75. LOL DOG FACE IS EPIC WIN
    hhaha great blog man, followed!

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  76. I Love Hippies! if it werent for them I wouldnt be drinking HempMilk right now!

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  77. Thanks for the comment on my blog!
    These posts are definitely entertaining.
    *follows*

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  78. As a damn foreigner, I find hippies fascinating. It's so uniquely American and hilarious.

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  79. Your post, they are causing me to get easily distracted. lol -thumbs up-

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  80. this as hilarious and insightful. Thank you.

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  81. You don't have to be a hippie to do drugs, but it helps!

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  82. Wow. This sure was a lot of content. Deserves all these comments.

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  83. Hahaha that title...just awesome man

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  84. I hate hippies too. They make me sick.

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  85. I see hippies everyday, all the time, because I live in San Francisco. NOT AWESOME.

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  86. I think you are better than most mmmm

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  87. DIE HIPPY SCUM! hhahaha, the osama one is funny.

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  88. You are one funny dude! Love your Blog.

    Thanks for the sweet comment!
    Following ya, YO!

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  89. Damn hippies ARE terrifying! I've met one who was like "I DO NOT WORK FOR THE MAN" so he's been a hobo for like 30 years and people give him their recycled cans so he can get money. Is that crazy? He just hobbles on, sleep in the woods and gets cans. Ridiculous.

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  90. Awww shiittt
    Fuckin' 5 star post

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  91. Hippy for life! But you got totally valid things to say. /applaud

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  92. I don't know much about hippies and this got me hooked on the subject, i'll read a little more.
    Man that dog has seen things.

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  93. These pictures are very funny. Keep up the good work!

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  94. Cool blog, and damn funny giffs! You made my day, thank you.

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  95. Funny as hell - both posts ! Love all that weird shit - did you do some of that stuff w/ photoshop ?
    I really got a kick out of "sassy hitler" !
    Keep it up, my party animal friend !

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  96. nothing wrong with a few hippies, it's when they get organized that you have to worry

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  97. i love the term "even further out" haha, you still rock elliot, as DMX would have said. "Get at me dawg"

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