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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Partying Down With Religious Fun Addicts

                                                                    

       Anyone who knows me knows what a party animal I am. I probably spend about 50% of my life up in the club, while another 25% is spent at house parties, tea parties, fun parties and the like, while another 25% is spent riding go-carts and playing mini-golf at Celebration Station here in lovely Baton Rouge, while a whopping 85% of my life is spent getting my fuck on. When you add that all up you can see that I really like to party. I'm not one of these people who needs an excuse to throw down, like when we finally managed to sink al-Qaeda's battleship a few weeks ago.




       And by "we" I mean my family and close friends and everyone who works at the local Ruby Tuesday's, and several of the people I grew up with and all of my elementary school teachers, and of course myself. No, after we achieved that, I didn't need to use it as an excuse to go party, but you had better believe that I partied my freedom-loving balls off. I wound up at a donkey show in a basement in Tijuana, and I regret to inform you that I was not one of the spectators. You may not have thought I would be the type of guy to party that hard, but it just goes to show that things aren't always what they seem.




       Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I probably would not have partied quite as hard as I did, but I was with trusted friends who I thought had my best interests in mind. I trusted they would step in if I was getting out of control. But apparently when it came to the matter of my savage equine rape these so-called friends were more amused than concerned.




       Apparently they just sat back in that darkened Tijuana basement with their shit-eating grins and enjoyed the show. But they had the presence of mind to take a number of pictures, which I will not be posting here or anywhere else. And before you even say it, yes, I mad.




       Well, like I just said, you didn't have to say it. But my anger really isn't the point. The point is these asshole supposed friends of mine. I don't even know why I was with them in the first place. I should have known they wouldn't give a shit about me, since all they really care about is their rigid dogma, which they cling to like they would cling to a dead Mexican prostitute. But I guess that's just the price I pay for Partying Down With Religious Fun Addicts.




       When out rippin and tearin with doomsday preacher Harold Camping, make sure not to ask about how his prophecies are going. It's kind of a touchy subject right now and if you piss him off he is likely to curse you. He told me that God was going to dig up the bones of my dead pets and turn them to manure, including the ones that were cremated. I think he was just a little upset because my prediction that I would give him an atomic wedgie turned out to be devastatingly accurate.




       If you happen to be out acting a fool with Westboro Baptist Church leader and lover of old school Oakleys, and just generally a fan of the retro cowboy look Fred Phelps, make sure not to take him to a production of The Laramie Project. He is likely to start a protest over them depicting him protesting, which is likely to create a rupture in the fabric of the universe, in much the same way as if you were ever to divide by zero, which you absolutely NEVER SHOULD. I have learned through confabulating with Phelps over Mai Tais that he truly does not care if everything in existence implodes into nothingness, as long as everyone is well aware that he doesn't care for the gays. I have also learned that the way he got disbarred is fucking hilarious.




       While tearing the roof off the sucka with former pastor of New Life Church and lover of the sweet sweet scandalous homosex Ted Haggard, a.k.a "Pastor Ted," make sure you are not also gettin ratchet with Fred Phelps. They would probably be at each other's throats all night.




       You probably shouldn't invite Richard Dawkins either. He may be a lot more intelligent and rational, but he is just as much of an egocentric ideologue. They would probably be at each other's throats all night.




On second thought, they seem to get along just fine.




       But honestly I wouldn't recommend parlaying, nor would I recommend raging or blowing it out of the water with any of these clowns. And don't bother trying to have a real discourse with any of them because they won't actually listen to a word you have to say, because they'll be busy formulating all the deep shit that they have to say. Plus all Richard Dawkins really cares about is pussy. That's really why he wrote the book about why you shouldn't believe in the other book, so people would believe in his book and those people would include some fine ass hoes. He actually couldn't give a shit what you believe. But he has every right to his gratuitous self-indulgence, and the same even has to be said for someone like Fred Phelps. If not this would have to be Communist China, and if I'm not mistaken it isn't.



No, I am quite certain we don't have this here.
      



       Sometimes I hope that the Buddhists are right and when you die you are reincarnated, so that this could happen and also so that Fred Phelps could be adopted by Ellen Degeneres.




       But actually I really don't care about that crap. I'm just trying to make the most of the time I have now. That's why I'm going to see Fast Five while it's still in theaters.



              

112 comments:

  1. i've kissed a girl 2 and i hope i won't go to hell :<

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  2. It would be awesome if Chris Farley was actually reincarnated.

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  3. That Obama GIF is awesome to the max.

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  4. another epic post of lolz, always worth the wait.

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  5. I love that bunk bed picture.

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  6. If you party with ted, don't forget the meth. Hypocrisy, thou art too funny

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  7. LOL!

    THIS POST WAS HILARIOUS. Really.

    But I blame you if I end up going to hell because I read your candid opinions of clergymen in America.

    The bunk bed picture was AWESOME.

    And the word "confabulating" and "parlaying" in the SAME post?

    ...I love you already.

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  8. Nice one, I watched those 2 girls kiss does that mean I got to hell???

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  9. Funny pictures, man :P I liked the one with the segways :).

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  10. i don't even know where to begin...

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  11. Why do people seam to forget that the term religions crazies has the word crazy right in it!!

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  12. awesome blog! I lol'd at all of them
    following

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  13. Ha ha poor doggie lol. And what are these Chinese up to now.

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  14. okay I am going to have to follow you. This is just to fucking great!

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  15. I want that sofa/bunk bed. Clearly it is made of awesome. Phelps...he isn't really human, right? I love how he was disbarred - just makes him some much more believable, right? Great post.

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  16. This is awesome! Can't wait for more posts

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  17. i want that bunk bed now. and im going to see it too

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  18. Ted Haggard's gesture is very suggestive...

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  19. shit, you're like 185% business.
    anyways, i always enjoy reading your posts :p

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  20. If I get kicked out of this library for laughing too hard I'ma find you and kick your ass! lol

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  21. ur a fucking genius. Seriously. I love this shit!

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  22. lol these are funny (the first one made me face palm x.x) xD

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  23. great work, nice blog, keep it up! :)

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  24. I'd throw em all together in a room and make them design the next big meme!

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  25. I am rolling on the florr laughing right now. :}

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  26. Hehehe.. Epic. :D

    Can't get over the Obama picture. Did he really do that? #LOL

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  27. Even a dead Mexican whore has a few miles left on her ass... well, depending on how long she's been dead...

    Just sayin'...

    Thanks for coming by my place... ;o)

    ~shoes~

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  28. Dude, your blog makes me LOL, LMFAO and all stuff. Congrats! I'll add it to my blogroll.

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  29. The China picture got me, hahaha
    +followed ! :D

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  30. LOL, these pictures are hilarious

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  31. Well, it sounds like you live quite the exciting life! Fantastic.

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  32. I thought I was Chris Farley reincarnated

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  33. Waking up in some Mexican basement....... That's another reason to never party near Mexico ever again.
    Really nice long and funny post. I hope to see more.

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  34. HAHA the obama gif is golden

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  35. That bunk bed is awesome, hahaha.
    Nice blog, it's nice to see a change.

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  36. THe donkey show part had me laughing.

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  37. nice voice in you're writing. reminds me of cracked

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  38. OG- don't know how you found me and graced me with a visit--BUT I AM SO HERE!!!!

    My new dog is going to be a WIENER
    schnitzel!!! Ar Ar ar! Chris Farley-to China Segway! OMG! LMAO!


    LOVE IT---ALL of it!!!!!!

    John

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  39. Hilarious man! Keep it up! Cling to the funny as you cling to a dead Mexican prostitute :D

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  40. Just popped in as i saw you followed me yesterday. This is an interesting mix of people and ideas. Sorry about the donkey. If that really happened I bet the donkey is sorrier than you are. As for all the others you mentioned...I don't really consider them religious people. More celebrity wanna be's. I think many times those things get confused. lol I wonder if we put them all in a room and locked them in for a week which one would come out alive claiming Jesus took the others and left him as a surviving prophet? hmmm have to think about that one.

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  41. Thank god I hadn't just taken a mouthful of my tea before I read that couch picture...my laptop woulda got soaked.

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  42. dude epic post, keep them coming!

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  43. Thanks for following me! I'm not following you? Kind of a creepy game of follow the leader, or tag or some other child's play if you ask me. Either way, it's going to be a blast.

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  44. Didnt even read the post, just LOLed @ the pictures :P

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  45. I don't really enjoy partying. I like to get together with a few friends and get shit-faced but actual parties aren't my cup of tea.

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  46. OMG that gif of Obama kicking the door is so funny

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  47. Epic as always, my friend, keep them coming!

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  48. I pretty much died laughing at the Obama GIF. You, sir, are an absolute genius.

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  49. This is my first time here and I love you already.

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  50. It took me for fucking ever to get through this post because I had to go read about Fred Phelps and watch all the videos 'n shit. Let me tell you, a piece of me died for Rippin 'n Tearin. Seriously. I covered my eyes for part of it. Ug, I feel ill even thinking about it again.
    Also - CHRIS FARLEY! OMFG.

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  51. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME post!!!! Thanks for visiting my blog .Following you back from Adventures at Greenacre : )

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  52. Hah, I totally read up on the Fred Phelps disbarment. How does that guy have any supporters? He is just a bonkers old pissy guy.

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  53. ha ha, oh man... great post.

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  54. On another note, doesn't the last picture look like Celty from Durarara!?

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  55. holy crap mate, your writing is great

    looking forward to more

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  56. Don't be hatin' on Fred Phelps, he's a perfectly rational person who respects everyone equally and... Ok, I can't keep that up.

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  57. holy shit did some of those crap me the hell up!

    awesome! :)

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  58. Some of those are funny, that bed is awesome.

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  59. Very good topic and excellent blog:D!

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  60. Wow, that was really funny haha

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  61. I lol'd at transformer bed! xD
    Followed!

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  62. LOLcouches kill me.

    I always picture them saying "I Can HAZ Cushion?" LOL!

    Get it? (I wrote HAZ instead of HAS.)

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  63. made me smile, will be following :)

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  64. Got a nice chuckle out of that, nice. followed.

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  65. Oprah must have the nastiest farts on the planet, I mean gas has got to escape one way or another amirite? :p

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  66. That was a truly awesome post sir! Keep it up.
    Gettin Rachet rotfl

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  67. omg it really does look like chris farley

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  68. Great post, really funny. Gotta be careful of that segway army though.

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  69. I lol'd with the Chris Farley poster.

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  70. I lolled at the motorcycle guy.

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  71. The motorcycle made me laugh.

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  72. I wanna see that body, and i want some gumbo now

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  73. That obama gif is awesome as hell.. did he actually kick that door? cuz it looks real as hell. Nice post. Followed

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  74. LOL wow interesting is all i can say...:)

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  75. Keep partying mister! And wow, transforming couch! Nice :p
    Thanks for the follow, I know I'm late with my thank yous, but that's just me, I even procrastinate my blog.

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  76. hahahaha frickin 5 star post :P lulz all over the place :)

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  77. Haha so many Pictures. The Oprah one is really funny.

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  78. Nice post, the couch is my favorite.

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  79. Party hard, party all day long. Loved the couch pic, btw

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  80. This post is hilarious and the couch is the cherry on top

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  81. Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congratulations for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com
    Thanks for sharing!

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  82. Religion has no place in our world today. You have decent posts, and I'll follow you.

    +following.

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  83. You know, I read and re-read this post and I still have no idea what it's about.

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  84. Lol lots of pics their all cool and interesting. I wanna know how Hulk Hogan is still buff lol ??

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  85. Holy hell, so genius.

    I'm in awe.

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  86. You're right. The things they teach you in college are pretty much worthless. Delete the pretty much. Luckily I teach English communication to foreigners (not literature, not linguistics and certainly not old English), so I've got a fairly clear conscience when I go to bed after reading blogs that remind me I'm too old for this shit :)

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  87. I started to read your blog while drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. Sometimes i spit out because I have to laugh so much ;).

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  88. Grand and rich content, sir. I commend you on a wonderful post!

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