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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Appreciating Some of the Shittiest Cultures

                                                                                                                                         

       A long, long time ago I went to a place called college. In college, I was supposed to learn some invaluable things about myself and the world that would propel me into a successful career, where, thanks to  the shimmering treasure chest of information I had obtained, I could fly on wings made of $200 textbooks and the pearls of wisdom they offer over a glorious Reading Rainbow and into the sunset that was the fulfillment of my most extravagant dreams, which included but were not limited to having a money bin that I could go swimming in like Scrooge McDuck, and owning a hovercraft.




       Well if I were given the chance to do it all again, I would probably travel to England or Australia and go to uni instead, because the shit they taught me in college turned out to be worthless, and I've always been curious to find out what this whole uni business is about. But when I really sit down with a cold cup of raspberry lemonade and some cheese toast on Armistice Day and am honest with myself, I have to admit that only about 90% of the blame for my underachievement should go to the idea of college, while the other 10% falls squarely upon yours truly, and a few other things. 


For example, this.


       But let me come to my own defense and say that some of the shit they taught there really was as retarded as Sarah Palin with a brain injury as a contestant on Press Your Luck.






       I remember having to take all these classes in humanities, and simply being in awe of the fact that these people did not understand that there was only one humanity and not several. I mean you work at a freaking university, people. And even if it were changed to the correct singular form, it would still be a pretty vague discipline if you ask me. I can't think of anything that could not by some stretch of the imagination be considered a humanity, and if you're trying to tell me that anatomy isn't a humanity, well that's just stupid. So why don't you just go and read a book by some boring-ass dead guy, because I have nothing to say to you. Talk to the hand.



       
       Or if you really wanted to do something masochistic you could sign up for a course in cultural diversity. If your experience is anything like mine was, you will find it to be a steaming pile of humanity. It would probably be best if I just tell you what I learned.






       The Japanese are a fucked-up people. This is well documented throughout history and is very evident today. If you think it's normal to censor the pubic hairs of a lady who is shitting into a man's mouth, then there is a 100% chance of you being Japanese. If you just bought a human head from a vending machine, then I have bad news for you, you are a Japanese person. However, they have the strongest teeth of any country in the world. The average Japanese tooth is strong enough to break diamonds.







                                




       Americans have been called every name you can imagine, such as the stupidest fucking fatty fucks and entitled dunce-cunts on the planet, and I am not going to add to that by saying that they are the tackiest trashiest most wasteful pieces of arrogant crud-fuck this world had ever spawned. That would be gratuitous as this has all been said already. But what I will say is that they have an exoskeleton made of resilient chitin that makes them almost invincible.




       Germans are incapable of sneezing. A German person may feel the urge to sneeze for months and even years at a time, which is maddening. Sausages are a welcome distraction.




       Midgets can spray a foul liquid from special glands in their anus as a defense against predators.




       British people are virtually immortal. Currently the youngest person in Britain is three centuries old.




       Every African is given a magic marble at birth. They have to carry it around with them at all times.




The often painful process of cultural assimilation.







Italians have a genetic disposition to be exceptionally good at tether ball.




       But the one thing I actually liked about the class was that they didn't teach us that everyone was the same. That's why they called it cultural diversity. They taught us that everyone was vastly different, so much so that a person coming of age in one culture could never completely understand and identify with another no matter how long they lived in it, which was perfectly fine, that we were beautifully and impossibly different like that. And that was kind of gay, but I also enjoyed it. And speaking of gay I am damn proud of New York. And speaking of gay as in merriment, today is my birthday. So everyone take a day of rest and enjoy yourselves, not only because it's Sunday, but because it was on this day that I rather unceremoniously slid out of my mother's vagina. Like a boss. Peace to Dirt Dog.



79 comments:

  1. thank you, I believe you should submit this article as an ethnology phD thesis.

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  2. That Mario Kart gif, was the best. The best. The best.

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  3. A scrooge Mcduck and Lovecraft mention in the same post? *World implodes*

    P.S. that girl who wants cake is only fat by the absurd fashion definition.

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  4. whoa.. that kept me laughing for 1/2 an hour!

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  5. Trippy posts ! What are you, an expert at photoshop ?
    Keep up the (bizarrely) good work.

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  6. Your blog is so fucking fantastic I can hardly stand it!

    If someone handed me a triple delight sex toy and said, “Now you can either fuck yourself mad with this thing or you can read Appellate Sky” I would choose to read your blog.

    Where do you find all your moving pictures btw?

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  7. my head is spinning and i feel like i want to laugh and vomit...Happy Birthday, you sick bastard!

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  8. I can't stop watching the guy with the mustache. Now go enjoy your raspberry lemonade and cheese toast and have a Happy, Happy Birthday.

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  9. I really enjoyed your article...but man I lol'd at that Mario cart gif.

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  10. My chitin exoskeleton wishes you a happy . . . Aw, the fuck do I care? I'm American! Let's drink beer out of cans with color-changing cold indicators and have bacon (woot, you see what I did there, yes? ) on sticks . . . made from old beer cans (or old bacon).

    Happy birthday. May it be the gayest.

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  11. @Intraman, their academic heads would explode.
    @prisoner art, no but someone on the internet is.
    @Drake, that may be, but ridicule is the least of what she deserves for wearing that shirt.
    @Mrs. Pickle, I find them deep within the sphincter of the internet. 4gifs is a good enough place to start.
    @phairhead, thanks
    @Heidi, thanks
    @Nicole, thanks. It already has been.

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  12. Ok an itemized list here of things to mention:

    1.) Happy Fucking Birthday Bro! Have a damn great day.
    2.) Way to go New York. Glad to see that another state has decided that every person has the right to be happy/miserable for the rest of their life.
    3.) Haters gonna hate
    4.) I, too, feel that college did not prepare me for the outside world. But I also know I didn't take the opportunities that could have given me a better chance to. Sooo lazy, and too many parties.
    Finally, 5.) All cultures suck. Fuck 'em.

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  13. HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May your life be filled with vaginas, and...yeah, that's about it.

    I loved this post! The pictures made me laugh, and your writing style cracked me up, as usual. The Japanese part, especially. Too bad that you didn't do one on the Chinese.

    YOU'RE HILARIOUS and you're one of my favorite bloggers.

    (:

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  14. Education is a joke these days.

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  15. I love this post as much as I love the one my mailbox is attached to and that one occasionally contains checks.

    Excellent work!

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  16. Happy Belated Day of Sliding from Birth Canal.

    I had to watch that gif of the wheelchair ladies like five times. Getting flipped off by them is just the icing on the cake.

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  17. Man, you certainly have a way turning a single blog post into an hour long event. Some funny stuff in here, and I think you hit all the stereotypes pretty well....sorta.

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  18. I'm looking for a follow button,b ut I can't seem to find it.

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  19. One does not simply walks into Japan

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  20. Hilarious! I love all of the pictures and videos. If I could go back to college, I would definitely study abroad at some point.

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  21. Dear Elliot, you have just made my morning!! +followed

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  22. What a fun post to read! I am also damn proud of New York. Also, thank you for reminding me of the existence of "Press Your Luck." That was one of my favorites!

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  23. I was enjoying reading this and then out of nowhere I got sprayed by a midget. FML

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  24. I've been to Japan. It's where I got my nickname "Blondzilla."

    Happy birthday!

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  25. hey, is it true that if you get a midget in a headlock, he has to grant you three wishes?

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  26. Happy belated birthday.

    This post? Made my morning. I could not have been more delighted to see Lovecraft's O-Face AND the chat between Mario & Luigi while I was eating my oatmeal.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog and letting me find someone who is motherfucking BRILLIANT to read.

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  27. @Rafa, yes, but there may be a cruel twist to said wishes. Like you may ask for an infinite amount of pizza, and you will get it, but it will come with horrible acid reflux. And then he will spray you with his anal scent glands.

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  28. LOL!
    I love the Mario-Luigi Omeagle conversation.

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  29. HHHMMMmmm... now I'm hoping following my blog isn't just a kind gesture to show how you're appreciating yet another shitty culture ...

    Whatever, I'll take what I can get!!!

    Thanx, and happy birthday!!

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  30. Woot Woot! Happy Birthday! And, thanks for following me, look forward to following your funny ass.

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  31. funny, witty and engaging, all of which my writing is not haha! awesome blog, +followed

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  32. Laughing SO hard right now. Thanks for following me; I almost cried I was laughing so hard at the midget predator defense line, so you've definitely got a new follower in me!

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  33. Lol I think it's funny how everyone thinks you made these pictures XD but good stuff +followed

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  34. Good stuff. The Lovecraft picture nearly killed me.

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  35. ive taken classes in college. They seem like scams or just so detatched from the real world and real people. Shame :/

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  36. This is awesome !!!! Some good stuff here ") Nice post!

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  37. Great blog, Im totally gonna follow you. Check out my blog if youd like. http://nmekeena.blogspot.com/

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  38. Laughed a lot while reading your post.

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  39. This post is hilarious, where do you find all those crazy gifs?

    You can visit my NEW blog here.

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  40. This is so much goddamn goodness that I don't know where to start. I'm taking H.P. Lovecraft with me, and the next time I have sex I will make that face. I will turn the reading lamp on and point it at my face so that it will be seen by whomever I am having sex with.

    I also like "descent," but I am a spelling geek.

    Thanks for improving my sex life. And thanks for finding me as well.

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  41. hahaha lol that was really cool aand nice GIF's.
    +1 and followed

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  42. So funny, I loved the gif with fat man shooting a gun fast D:D: followed

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  43. Maybe you should have called this "Diversity, how does it work?". Anyways, interesting thoughts man

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  44. Deep within the sphincter of the internet, Patti. It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it.

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  45. Hey, thanks for swinging by my blog.

    I loved these pics, I saved most of them to my 'funny pics' (original, I know) folder, because they are gold. Pure gold.

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  46. Happy late beerday Elliot. I'd say the Japanese are all weird folks but I'd be generalizing, so I'm keeping that to myself.

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  47. very well written post. Am in college now and found it pretty spot on.

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  48. See? That's what you missed. What is wrong with America is the unceremonious squeezing through the birth canal. What of the party hats and confetti? What of the liturgical hymns and incense? I still resent my children for being all listless and barely breathing when they were born. Assholes.

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  49. Good post, there's nothing to not like here

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  50. You......you are just amazing and I can't stop laughing, even if half the shit you said was completely true. Of course at the same time, that is the beauty of it.

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  51. Love the post, you just made my day...punk
    cheers, Sausage...

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  52. Where you found all of these clips I'll never know, but they were hilarious!

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  53. You Count youtube flick made me laugh so hard I cried! Haha!

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  54. thisissofunny.gif i almost shatted brix...

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  55. wow...that was some post..thank you for that.

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  56. all these pics were funny. Nice post

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  57. Made me laugh so much :D. Great compilation of deep-rooted impressions ;).

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  58. trippy °° :o but interesting, returning here

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  59. Holy crap this is the greatest rant ever!!! LOVED IT!!!

    Following :D

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  60. this is great!

    http://afdreview.blogspot.com/

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  61. hahahah ok man! I'm following!

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  62. I think you are the only other being on this earth who has watched Harold and Maude, and The Old Man & The Sea - Fantastic.

    Education in the states is antiquated. Yes, very unpatriotic, but if we can lynch mob Cookie Monster, we can learn to accept we are one of the most under educated nations in the world, simply due to sheer greed and laziness.

    How you've found this many followers that don't harpoon you for stating it how it is, I have no idea. It must be those wicked unicorn and rainbow skills. My blog is pretty tame, and I usually catch an earful. You're like the dark underlying thoughts we all have, but are forced to shush.
    I'll have to come by again.

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  63. the fat people in america give the rest of us a bad name

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  64. I want to hear a Jamaican say bacon.
    +followed

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  65. Great post! I didn't want it to end.

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