Appreciating Some of the Shittiest Cultures

                                                                                                                                         

       A long, long time ago I went to a place called college. In college, I was supposed to learn some invaluable things about myself and the world that would propel me into a successful career, where, thanks to  the shimmering treasure chest of information I had obtained, I could fly on wings made of $200 textbooks and the pearls of wisdom they offer over a glorious Reading Rainbow and into the sunset that was the fulfillment of my most extravagant dreams, which included but were not limited to having a money bin that I could go swimming in like Scrooge McDuck, and owning a hovercraft.

       Well if I were given the chance to do it all again, I would probably travel to England or Australia and go to uni instead, because the shit they taught me in college turned out to be worthless, and I've always been curious to find out what this whole uni business is about. But when I really sit down with a cold cup of raspberry lemonade and some cheese toast on Armistice Day and am honest with myself, I have to admit that only about 90% of the blame for my underachievement should go to the idea of college, while the other 10% falls squarely upon yours truly, and a few other things. 

For example, this.

       But let me come to my own defense and say that some of the shit they taught there really was as retarded as Sarah Palin with a brain injury as a contestant on Press Your Luck.

       I remember having to take all these classes in humanities, and simply being in awe of the fact that these people did not understand that there was only one humanity and not several. I mean you work at a freaking university, people. And even if it were changed to the correct singular form, it would still be a pretty vague discipline if you ask me. I can't think of anything that could not by some stretch of the imagination be considered a humanity, and if you're trying to tell me that anatomy isn't a humanity, well that's just stupid. So why don't you just go and read a book by some boring-ass dead guy, because I have nothing to say to you. Talk to the hand.

       

       Or if you really wanted to do something masochistic you could sign up for a course in cultural diversity. If your experience is anything like mine was, you will find it to be a steaming pile of humanity. It would probably be best if I just tell you what I learned.

       The Japanese are a fucked-up people. This is well documented throughout history and is very evident today. If you think it's normal to censor the pubic hairs of a lady who is shitting into a man's mouth, then there is a 100% chance of you being Japanese. If you just bought a human head from a vending machine, then I have bad news for you, you are a Japanese person. However, they have the strongest teeth of any country in the world. The average Japanese tooth is strong enough to break diamonds.

                                

       Americans have been called every name you can imagine, such as the stupidest fucking fatty fucks and entitled dunce-cunts on the planet, and I am not going to add to that by saying that they are the tackiest trashiest most wasteful pieces of arrogant crud-fuck this world had ever spawned. That would be gratuitous as this has all been said already. But what I will say is that they have an exoskeleton made of resilient chitin that makes them almost invincible.

       Germans are incapable of sneezing. A German person may feel the urge to sneeze for months and even years at a time, which is maddening. Sausages are a welcome distraction.

       Midgets can spray a foul liquid from special glands in their anus as a defense against predators.

       British people are virtually immortal. Currently the youngest person in Britain is three centuries old.

       Every African is given a magic marble at birth. They have to carry it around with them at all times.

The often painful process of cultural assimilation.

Italians have a genetic disposition to be exceptionally good at tether ball.

       But the one thing I actually liked about the class was that they didn't teach us that everyone was the same. That's why they called it cultural diversity. They taught us that everyone was vastly different, so much so that a person coming of age in one culture could never completely understand and identify with another no matter how long they lived in it, which was perfectly fine, that we were beautifully and impossibly different like that. And that was kind of gay, but I also enjoyed it. And speaking of gay I am damn proud of New York. And speaking of gay as in merriment, today is my birthday. So everyone take a day of rest and enjoy yourselves, not only because it's Sunday, but because it was on this day that I rather unceremoniously slid out of my mother's vagina. Like a boss. Peace to Dirt Dog.

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