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Friday, July 8, 2011

Coming to Terms With the Rape of My Childhood

                                        


   
       I think at some point everyone comes to the realization that most of the things from their childhood that they hold to be sacred have been largely forgotten and/or molested or shit on. Except for the people who lack the cognitive function to formulate such thoughts, such as people who believe in 9/11 conspiracies.




       But for the rest of us, the experience can be disillusioning. And cultural amnesia is worse now than ever. If it happened more than five minutes ago you are an asshole for even mentioning it. They already have a dubstep remix for that shit, and it's so much better that it will make you shit yourself.




Motherfucking Dubstep.




       And so naturally, if it happened more than a decade ago it's fucking ancient, and you are an absolute turd of a human for so much as thinking about it, unless it happens to be some random shitty band or fashion statement, such as EMF or girls pulling their shorts up above their navels, making their asses appear to be three feet long. If anyone reading this does that, you look fucking ridiculous. That went out of vogue 25 years ago for a reason. And they never remember the good bands, such as Bell Biv DeVoe, or the good fashion statements, such as Z. Cavarricis.


The one exception to my "not above the navel" rule.
     

       Nowadays it seems like practically all of culture is born and pronounced dead on the internet in such rapid succession that we hardly have the chance to process what the fuck it is. For example, the troubled young man below has become considerably famous in recent months, and no one really knows what the fuck is the deal with him, except that he is a member of the Official Fanclub of Wayne Gretzky and Kings Team Aficionados. Being that he is from L.A., I assume this is legitimate.




       And culture isn't slowing down anytime soon. The internet is the great equalizer and everyone who uses it now has an equal opportunity to become famous, even someone as ugly as yourself, and more and more people are using the internet every day. They are running out of IP addresses for fuck's sake. Well I for one plan on becoming famous, and that is the primary reason for this blog. Don't get it twisted by thinking that I just genuinely enjoy entertaining you fuckers. But that is why net neutrality is so important, and I absolutely think it's a very good thing, for all of us to have the same shot at the big time, but I still long for the simpler times when things were more slowed down and in neater compartments, and for those old familiar cultural symbols I cherish, but the problem is that the internet has thoroughly defiled them all.









       The youth of today are so thoroughly desensitized and full of hipster ennui that they have even resorted to soiling the good names of the characters from Sesame Street. They have painted the Count as a whoremonger and deviant, have transformed the cookie monster from a mere cookie enthusiast into a terminal phase food addict, have implied an incongruous sexual relationship between Bert and Ernie, and, perhaps worst of all, have projected their annoying insouciance onto all of them. How dare you do that to my defenseless childhood friends?






       Suffice it to say they have taken the characters of Sesame Street and they have savagely raped them in their fuzzy shit pipes. And I am none too pleased about it. Go fuck yourself, Tumblr.




       Shameful how you donkey punch the good name of Donatello and just shove it up his turtle tailpipe like that.




       No he fucking didn't. He loved physical fitness and Jeet Kune Do, and you are raping his corpse.




       How dare you sit there and pinch out a steamy loaf on the good name of Jazzercise?




This isn't from my childhood but it's still fucked up.




No, it's not related, and yes, I still mad.





       For fuck's sake, take your dick out of Marty. He's got enough bullshit as it is. I'm going to leave you all with this tale of disillusionment. I have no idea which anonymous user of the internet wrote it, and I am using it without his or her permission. Sort of like you didn't ask for permission to go balls deep into my childhood's virgin asshole.




       Well it might be a little longer than usual before I post again, because I need to find a job. No, I don't get paid millions of dollars for this. I agree, it's fucking bullshit. But my absence doesn't mean that I love you any less. Your kiss is still on my list of the best things in life. And so are nachos.

                                                                                                                                                                                    

121 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh. That Buzz cup's straw--just wow.

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  2. Dude, while you're out job hunting, please remember this little piece of advice: never trust a big butt and a smile. Seriously. It will save you so much trouble.

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  3. Very entertaining read. You should be paid for this stuff.

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  4. My experience is that neither of those things are very trustworthy, and that combined they form a molotov cocktail of malice and deceit.

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  5. Thank you good sir. You should be paid for saying that (were you?)

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  6. Funny post, I love your blog!

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  7. I grew up in the 80's it's difficult the make that decade any more fucked up.

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  8. The Smurfs in New York. It’s coming, and nobody can stop it.

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  9. you mean this isn't your job? what a sham!

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  10. don't lie, you know you still rock pleated jeans!

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  11. omg! The nipple story is hilarious and extremely creepy at the same time. lol.

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  12. the good old days really weren't so great. and i couldn't agree with you more.

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  13. ATREYU!!!!

    Aww this made me sad. People really do turn great memories into unfunny fodder.

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  14. u mad! haha. Loved the reference to EMF...totally forgot about them for a good 20 years.

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  15. Nice post. Made me think about my ruined childhood.

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  16. Oh good, because we don't read you to be entertained either. We just read this blog so that we are around when you become famous. It's like keeping that creepy photographer friend around because suddenly he knows a lot of people. Or is that just me?

    This was a good post.

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  17. I laughed for about a minute on the 9/11 photo. That was awesome!

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  18. Haha lmfao at the Damn Falcor pic! Followed!

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  19. I was wondering where my trumpet went!

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  20. Dude, fuck job hunting. Just steal shit. If anyone asks, just tell them that having a job is like so 2008. That shit is obsolete.

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  21. @Allen, which is why these internet punks have my begrudging respect.
    @Drake, except possibly Gargamel, though his record isn't good.
    @Timmy, I know, it's horseshit.
    @phairhead, only for occasions that call for dressy-casual attire.
    @Not who I will be, that's putting it lightly
    @MRanthrope, see the Velveeta commercial. They're "crumbelievable."
    @twelvedaysold, I would pretend I didn't know you.
    @Mrs. Pickle, it's a very humorous topic.
    @Steve Bailey, it's going to sound shitty now.
    @Rafa, "finding a job" is a euphemism for bangin and slangin

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  22. I refuse to revisit anything I liked from my childhood. Because I know the nostalgia doesn't reflect the actual value. Plus my younger self was kind of a dumbass

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  23. Mine wore Z. Cavarricis. So yeah, he was awesome.

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  24. Funny stuff!

    You bring up some very valid points here which I would like to dissect in some detail but there is a dachshund spinning on a turn-table.

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  25. There are not enough stupid pointless comments on this blog.

    Here you go. Thank me later.

    Did you know George Washington didn't actually cut down the cherry tree?>?!?!?!?! MIND BLOWING RIGHT?

    KiNda LiKe PeOplE tYpE lIKE thIs aNd YoU WaNT to BaSH TheIR BrAINs in.

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  26. And no I'm not drunk or I'd be in a much better mood.

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  27. DAMN IT. I can never think of anything better to say than "you're HILARIOUS and in a parallel universe, you're my age and we're married."

    All those pictures are fantastic. Did you make them?

    My mom does the pants-above-naval thing. Needless to say, I avoid outdoor excursions with her whenever possible.

    P.S I complimented you on my blog. Be flattered.

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  28. Well as long as we're raping childhood memories, let's get Winnie the Pooh in here as well.

    http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=52907

    Sorry, had to participate.

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  29. @T. Roger Thomas, mesmerizing, isn't it?
    @Cake Betch, you are merely inebriated by these comical images and my rapier wit.
    @Lemons, much love soul sista
    @Lost, that was below the belt
    @Francis, I'm glad you appreciate it

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  30. Job hunting ?! The horror, the horror...

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  31. Missed your question, Lemons. No, I don't make most of the pictures you see on my blog. They are passed down through an international network of nerds.

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  32. You cant finish of serious thoughts and opinions with funny pictures... think you even had an informative part there somwhere in the middle.. To What is the average user suposed to reply...

    Great post tho! Fun to read!

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  33. This was brilliant!
    I can't believe what happened to the ninja turtle. wtf?

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  34. @Lost in Idaho, I'm having trouble getting to your blog, and
    @Melanie, I can't go to your profile and do not remember the name of your blog, apologies.

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  35. hahahahahah ohh God that was hilarious, seriously best laugh i had in a while. Thanks for doing this and please keep em coming. followed

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  36. ...and just so you know, at the ripe and ornery age of sixteen, I once spent nearly a week's pay on a pair of those exact Z Cavaricci's ;)

    Oh the memories!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    EL

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  37. @Jacob, here at Appellate Sky I am a veritable God and can do whatever I want.
    @Alan, something unholy happened from what I can tell.
    @GMSoccerPicks, you're welcome. It'll probably be a couple of weeks before the next one.
    @GMizzle, you sing beautifully
    @Elliot, you are the haver of not only an awesome pair of pants, but a fantastic name as well. You're welcome.

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  38. I think I might love you...and I'm the most shockingly hetero fuckthumper in Southern Wisconsin.

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  39. No one's going to judge you here Denny

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  40. We all love Graf Zahl. he was an important milestone in my own childhood. Very funny compilation by the way ;).

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  41. Hurray, I'm your 699th follower ;)
    I laughed pretty hard at that Buzz picture

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  42. 700th follower! Seems you're on your way to getting famous.

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  43. all these pictures are so funny

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  44. Funny shit, good luck on the job hunt

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  45. you look like and avenger of dumbness :)

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  46. Choose your own adventure, what a great book serie =D

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  47. lol
    Where did you get the images? They're very funny. :)

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  48. Where do you find this crazy stuff.

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  49. I lol'ed again. You made my day buddy, you really made my day.

    +1000 internets

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  50. No matter what I will always love that count video. The internet is the future, man. We cannot stop it.

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  51. Nostalgia... all that series when i'm just a child..

    following you!

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  52. I completely agree about the raping of our childhood culture (those of us who grew up in the late 70s and 80s). It's been going on with the movies from our childhood for a while now.

    Karate Kid, Footloose (I don't know if that should have been made in the 1st place), The Thing, Total Recall (w/ nasty-man Collin Farrell), Evil Dead, Clash of the Titans, Piranha, Conan, Fright Night, Red Dawn, They Live, Robo Cop,....

    and the worst is the the "new" Howling, which looks like a Twilight-inspired, piece of tripe.

    Now they're Disney-fying John Carter of Mars, which isn't related to our childhoods but still sucks.

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  53. That brings up old memories.

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  54. this post reminds me so much of a cracked article

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  55. The picture of Earl Sweatshirt was hilarious.

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  56. I completely agree although I don't really like the idea of being called "ugly" and a "fucker" :( but those are some valid points you've raised up in this post.

    But there's a lot of generalization going on here and that's never good for one's mental health.

    Kids these days are growing up much faster because of the easy access to information provided by the internet revolution (both physically and mentally). And although there's some good things to that, there's a lot more bad. =_=

    Even five year olds have facebook now. My 11 year old niece showed me her iPhone 4 the other day and called my Nokia a "crap phone".

    I love Bruce Lee by the way. :D

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  57. Where the hell is the follow button?!

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  58. l o fucking l at the "crap phone" thing. don't know i'm seeing it. it's now a "join this site" button though, which i don't care for as much. i would rather think of you all as my "followers." it fits better with my messianic complex.

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  59. Yeah, I think believing in the "Osama did it" conspiracies is pretty silly.

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  60. haha I love your blog :D followed ;p

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  61. that dog on the turn table had me dying

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  62. youve got me laughing in tears right here man! xD
    where do you get this kinda stuff? really great!

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  63. The transformers rape is the worst rape of all.

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  64. You're unbelievable.

    That girl is poison.

    And I'm out of song lyrics.

    I hate hipster re-invention. I also hate that Elmo is now the fucking superstar of Sesame Street. Elmo is an annoying piece of shit lacking the depth of character of Grover and the insouciance of Snuffleupagus. Stupid bastard.

    Hope you find a job. If I find one, I'll see if there's room for you. You would be entertaining to work with.

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  65. I sense satire, lol, good blog man.
    My childhood was great minus first 6 years.
    Looking forward to your next post!

    Cheers,
    logic

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  66. Great post, man.
    You hit the nail on the head when you called me "ugly", but then again beauty is in the eye etc...

    I don't really hold much value in the things that pop culture provided for me in my childhood. I guess I spent way too much time playing outside. That's what we did instead of watch t.v.

    Wait, I lie. I remember the "hey you guys" from the electric company and my brother freaking out when I could do the voice of glomer from the punky brewster cartoon(which is now an altered form of meatwad).

    Although others tend to take what we once held in high regard and stick it straight in the mud, I just view it with pity that the poor souls cannot come up with interesting original content.

    You must be paid for this. I'd give you a dollar, and I just have five of them.

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  67. @Sacred Bob, if trolling, you are a pretty cool guy. If serious, I'm afraid you are retarded, and I will thank you to google Occam's Razor on your way off of the internets forever.

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  68. @Ingonyama, there are rules against me saying where I find these things of which you speak.
    @Rich, it's pretty fucking bad. Probably should have included that.
    @Suniverse, Elmo is a total whore, that's how he gets ahead. Put in a good word for me. Tell them about my blog and all the comical images I post.
    @breakingLogic, your Spidey senses do not betray you.
    @Shockgrubz, thanks, but I'm talking about Pusha-T money

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  69. Don't get a job. It's vastly overrated. If you run a zillion text and popup ads, you will make a million dollars in one year and then you can sit back and just watch the Internet generate income for you.

    Nice point to the post, BTW. I sometimes worry if I make reference to the 90s people will think I am over 30, which I am but no matter what anybody says it's still not cool to be.

    don't be gone too long.

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  70. hahahah nice job man!! LOL

    +follo :)

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  71. You really have a passionate hatred for the internet don't you?
    Honestly i'd never looked at it like that...

    +follow

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  72. Interesting viewpoint but you haven't looked at the good side however small and insignificant it may seem to you. The internet has allowed everyone and every culture to be more evolved and more informative although most who surf the internet do not understand it's purpose and statue sometimes therefore it is our job to be the bigger person and stop saying how shit the internet is and try to use it as best to our capabilities so the new generations will not be so ignorant and fucked up.

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  73. Good written but way too many pictures. Destroys the flow.

    I'd follow but can't seem to find a follow button? Someone get back to me for that please.

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  74. Good work!! Love reading this kinda stuff....

    yeah I can't see a follow button either, I'd like to follow but I don't know how :(

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  75. It's a sad day when we realise that everything we used to like is now shit and people think you're shit for not being a hipster and being with the times.
    Reminds me of the latest south park episode.
    Still an entertaining post!
    Following!

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  76. hahaha! the count video was way to hillarious for my health

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  77. That last picture... holy damn.

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  78. Amazing such pictures... Entertaining to the maximum. I love it!!

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  79. on internet u can fuck u childhood everywhere :p

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  80. that video with the count was hilarious.

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  81. lots of funny memes there, i like-y

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  82. Well now, you have a great blog there! O_o
    Following and supporting! :)
    And reading previous articles! :)

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  83. Thanks for following, and although I enjoyed this post, I can't help but WANT to tell you, (because I'm an honest person, and I don't give a shit about readership and syndication) "who the fuck cares?"

    Yeah call it insouciance if you will, but if this post is anywhere near sincere, then it's half your fault. My parents always chastised me for letting others provoke me into negativity. Well I'll chastise you young man, and you're NOT gonna like it (just kidding!)

    Either way, good luck on your journey to become famous. I hope it works out. I really do. Although I kinda wish it doesn't that way you don't have an excuse to sound like a passive aggressive Holden Caulfield.

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  84. Welcome to jokes Leila. Kindly wipe your feet on the way in.

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  85. There goes my childhood(Buzz Lightyear's blowjob bottle)

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  86. Made me laugh out loud, then suddenly filled me with nostaligia and I realise how much I miss the 80's and 90's!

    Keep up the entertaining articles

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  87. I just realized The Count is a jew. Followed

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  88. Come on, that picture of Bruce Lee is funny, it's what he would have wanted. What would you have bought Bruce Lee for his birthday? I'd have got him a Soda Stream.

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  89. I'm very pleased to say I completely missed Gretzy's Fan Club member's 15 minutes and can live quite happily without ever knowing his notoriety.

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  90. Great blog and funny! Keep up the good work and good luck job hunting ;) ... Following

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  91. You're right, everything on the internet seems to move so blindingly fast these days... we need to stick these kids on dial-up and see how they like it. Also that Earl pic is hilarious, great blog.

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  92. That is just blasphemy to rape The Never Ending Story. You're frigging hilarious!

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  93. I didn't read all the comments. You have about 5 trillion, and I'm supremely lazy, so if this is a rehash, consider it a life lesson on the habits of middle aged women who have lost all ability to give a shit.
    The pants; OMFG, I hate them. Hated them as a kid, hate them now. whenever I see some wench in boob high pants I want to kick her in the teeth.
    Childhood memories; Don't get me started. Someone obviously needed something to do because they had no real life, or ability to change themselves. Plus, it's my understanding that Hester Prynne was already branded, dead, and buried, so Cookie monster was the obvious alternative.

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  94. @Tony, not sure. I wouldn't get him a can of whup-ass, because he probably already has a million of those.
    @Sub-Radar-Mike, glad you recognized him, and hopefully caught my awesome acronym joke.
    @Lizbeth, I really relate with your opinion of me.
    @le Chef, yes I'm writing a book about it: The Indigo Letter.

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  95. man, you just blew my mind!

    + following!

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  96. So, you have 107 comments before me, which, usually, would indicate you are WAY cooler than I, and, normally, would mean I shouldn't even bother commenting, but I'm feeling desperate for friends (and also a little stalky), and since you followed my blog, I'm going to go out on a limb and hope you read my comment, cuz you seem super cool and stuff, and I'd really like to know you.

    But, wait. Here's my question. I can't wear my shorts up to my neck anymore? Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK.

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  97. Fuck Nostalgia. Fuck Trend Hoppers. I HATE Today's World. Not Like The Past Or Present Will Be Better, Though.

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  98. Holy lintloaf Batman. I haven't laughed this hard in ages. Fucking love your blog.

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  99. Also, that's not Donatello, it's Leonardo. Donatello had a purple bandanna.

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  100. Purple for sure, man. Sorry. But, it had to be said.

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  101. That last one was the most nightmarish thing I've ever read.

    + Followed!

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  102. you are possibly the funniest thing on the internet. Love your posts. and the last pic. truly horrifying

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  103. "The one exception to my "not above the navel" rule" might be my favorite quote under a Z.Cavarrici ad ever. This week.

    You make me want to be a more ambitious "Prosthetic Cameltoe" (Now with 30% more Prosthesis!) inventor.

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  104. That CYOA cover gave me chills, I haven't seen those in years. Must buy them for the sake of nostalgia. Peace and follow.

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  105. I agree with you totally about despising the way people fuck with the past. Leave it alone. Jesus. Sesame Street is what I was practically raised on, and I don't like people making snide comments about Bert & Ernie. Can't two fuzzy guys just be friends? Yes, they can.

    I also don't like when people put lame shit under truly cute pictures of animals. They're cute as they are, people, don't you get it??

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  106. hy... I was follow your blog..
    please follow back my blog... nice to visit you blog :)

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  107. I need to print out the picture of the gum-chewing results. Every time I see the kids swallow a piece I'm gonna remind them to not blow ass bubbles. How messy would that be?

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