Some of the Dopest Hip-Hop That I Can Totally Relate With

       Judging by my name, which, if you cannot be bothered to simply look to your right, because you are a lazy indifferent fatass with terrible furniture and very unattractive earlobes, is Elliot MacLeod-Michael, you might be surprised to learn that I am in fact white. But I assure you that does not mean I don't know how to pull stunts for all the people I know and get hyphey in this motherfuck. And I know the very fact that I am street enough to be able to use such authentic vernacular will come as a shock to many of you, but what can I really say to that except whoops, there it is. So I would like to introduce you all now to my crunk-ass dope boy alter ego, MC Cooliot.

       Yo yo, what's good family? It's ya boy Coolee in this motherfucking shit, and speaking of shit it's about to pop off, ya heard? 225 represent, Jigga City wuzzz gooodd y'all? Baton Rouge is my motherfucking city and that is the city which I am motherfucking representing y'aalll!!! Just a trill as motherfucker from the dirty dirty keepin it real and shit you know errything copastetic in this wait no I can't do this. This is not who I am. What was I thinking, I'm whiter than fuck. I do however have some limited knowledge of hip hop culture, and valid opinions about that genre of music, even though I am very much what's known as a "Clampett."

       One thing I know is that in hip hop culture there are numerous slang terms for "car." You might want to roll out to the club in your whip, or perhaps you'd prefer to push your slab instead. Or perhaps if it was cool out you would opt to take the vert (see above).

       A common misconception about hip hop culture is that it was heavily influenced by writer and reformed pimp Iceberg Slim, when in fact the real founding father was none other than Benjamin Franklin. It has been said that while the pimp game of Iceberg Slim was legendary, President Franklin's was nothing short of electrifying.

       A big part of hip hop culture is the recognition of a top dog or alpha male. As you can see these bitches are popping it for pimp.

       Another important part of the culture is the consumption of "lean," which refers to a number of different narcotic cough syrups, some fairly mild and some extremely potent. But if anyone asks you what kind you happen to be sipping on just say "fuck you, it's my cup." Then fight them if necessary.

       B-boying is just as much a part of hip-hop culture as rapping is, but if you call it breakdancing you is pie as fuck, because that's a name that was given to it by the media.

Here are some more b-boys.   

       Getting your swerve on can either mean getting drunk or dancing, and often means both. But sometimes getting your swerve on goes horribly wrong.

In no way, shape or form is this related to hip hop.

        A "fuck nigga" is a basically a clown ass motherfucker. It's probably not the best idea to be saying this if you're white, which is why I put it in quotations to show that I didn't say it. If you're white and you happen to encounter one of these individuals, you're better off calling them a cake boy or a fuck boy.

       You is definitely duck as fuck if you think the baddest bitch in the game is Nicki Minaj. The first thing I have to say is that her lyrics are retarded, not in the hip hop sense which would mean they are awesome, but in the sense that would mean they are the opposite of smart. And though her delivery is unique it is ultimately a gimmick, sort of like everything else she does. In other words she is a Pillow Pet. All the kids love her right now but in a little while she will be dingy and forgotten. 

       I hope you didn't think I wasn't going to tell you who is the baddest bitch. It's motherfucking Remy Ma. Right now Remy Ma is in jail for straight-up shooting a bitch. Unfortunately her victim had to find out the hard way that stealing from Remy Ma is a terrible idea. Now she will probably never shit right again. But prison isn't hurting Remy's creativity. Here she is freestyling without any beat, and you will notice she is still over 9000 times better than Nicki Minaj. Check it the fuck out.

       One hip hop album that I have in my iPod but have not had a chance to listen to yet is J Dilla's Donuts. If it's as good as everyone says it is I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy it, because I'm one of these people who usually enjoys things that are good.

       Well hey there little fella, you're looking kinda down. What da bizness is? Could it be because when all those people say you are the best rapper alive...that deep down you know that is patently false? It's okay, Weezy, no one here is trying to say you aren't talented. It's just that there are rappers out there who are a hell of a lot more talented.

       Take Big Boi for example. His severed head is being held by some mysterious white bitch in a leotard of some sort. Therefore everything you do is invalid, I'm afraid.

       And what about this guy, Ghostface Killah? Do you think you are better at rapping than he is? If so I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. Also I wouldn't recommend saying shit like that to his face. Ask Mase about that. Also, if you haven't heard Fishscale, it is much better than anything you have ever done or will do. I would highly recommend you go and cop that jawn.

Tweet