Dr. Clamslammer's Guide to Being Romantic

       My girlfriend is always complaining I'm not romantic enough, and when I say that I am paraphrasing and probably understating a bit. She essentially feels that aside from Gollum and Jeffrey Dahmer I am the most appallingly unromantic creature who has ever walked this earth, and we all know that Gollum in fact walked Middle-Earth, so according to my calculations that would put me in second place. And as proud of that as I might be if it were true, I have to tell you that it is in fact a 100% falsified and fabricated fallacy based on spurious unempirical research that was peer-reviewed by retards and the cast of Laguna Beach. In other words I doubt the veracity of this assertion. So today I am going to talk about romance, and just for shits and giggles I am going to do it using an alter-ego. His name is Dr. Clamslammer, and he's probably one of the most romantic guys around.

       Why hello there, I'm Dr. Clamslammer, and I'm here today to talk to you about romance. Much like proctology, my area of expertise, it is an ancient and very delicate art. I don't just go shoving my roto-rooter up someone's mud chute all crazy and impulsive-like, and you shouldn't go into romance that way, either. I have found that if one does they will most likely encounter the polyps of rejection. But if one can manage to ease in all lubed and gentle-like, then the patient is more likely to be receptive and submit. Though I admit there have been times when I crammed it in there all mean and rough-like in an expression of my rage.

      

       Never underestimate the value of licking, but for God's sake make sure you're doing it right. You don't want to tease her by doling it out in too-small samples. I recommend you start at the bony part of her heel and go all the way up to her armpit in one long romantic lick. Trust me it will drive here crazy.

       Impress the fuck out of her by blasting her with your best fart. Make sure to do it when she's not expecting it. Women love surprises and to be impressed by athleticism. It will also show that you feel relaxed around her.

       Make numerous references to her sphincter and what it is capable of doing, how it can constrict and relax, etc., and offer to demonstrate. Explain to her what a "pink sock" is and politely ask if she would be interested in one. Women like for you to educate them and we all know they love clothes.

       Brag about your sexual encounters with the vertically challenged. If you haven't had any I suggest you make some up. Women love open-mindedness and acceptance of differences.

       Show her that you are "hungry like the wolf" by dominating some Whataburger while she looks on in awe of your keen sense of romance.

       Communication is key to romance, and 90% of communication is nonverbal. Tell her about the five-alarm fire she has ignited in your crotch nonverbally by staring deeply into her soul with an ill-concealed erection. Then when you verbally tell her about it she will just nod understandingly.

       Taking her out into nature will awaken the romantic beast within the both of you. Just make sure you and your partner are of the same species.

 

      

       Suggest that she and a friend reenact a classic romantic scene from a movie for you. A personal favorite of mine is this scene from Lady and the Tramp.

       Is there anything in this world more romantic than simply enjoying a beautiful sunset together? Well, yes, actually there is, and it's hot sweaty monkey sex.

       Give your significant other one of those mushy romantic nicknames like "fuck muppet." Every time I call my girlfriend that I can almost hear her heart melting.

We already went over how women like surprises.

      

       There is no law stating that you can't take your next little lover's quarrel and turn it into something beautiful and romantic as fuck.

I'm not sure what "connocting poopie" is, but it sounds hella romantic.

       You haven't truly consummated your relationship with that special someone until you've had a good long soak in a heart-shaped jacuzzi tub that was last used by these people. That concludes today's lesson. Your homework is to talk to your lover about that interesting dotted line that connects your balls to your asshole. She might not know about it as women don't have them. Protip: it's called your Ass-Ball Connector.

   

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