Monday, November 22, 2010

Search Engine Sluts - One Man's Choice to Take the High Road and Lady Gaga UFC Knockouts

        Recently it has come to my attention that search engine sluts are on the loose, so it might be a good time to shelter thy kin, and anything else with genitals, for that matter, because from what I understand they are all over the wonderwebs, sort of like pr0n, and are slowly but surely turning them into webs of confusion and sadness. Let me explain.
       I have spent the last one and a half nights trying to understand keyword research, only to find out that it is way too involved for me to bother understanding completely and would take months of dedication to effectively use, and also that every site related to the subject was created by some gimmicky marketing fuckwad who uses annoying little tricks to try and keep you reading and maybe purchase his bullshit product which is available elsewhere for free. I think they serve a valid purpose, but I don't have a business and I am not trying to corner some very specific market; I am merely trying to be funny in my spare time and that hardly justifies months of research, especially when I could be doing something I enjoy, like writing. But the thing is, I want a lot more out of this than amusing myself and a few of my friends. Currently about 10% of my readership is represented by me, and I am not okay with that. By no means am I satisfied with that, and that is why I was pondering becoming a search engine slut, so that my blog would be the first thing to come up if you google the word labradoodle or something, because what I truly want in life is to be immensely famous, like Kat Von D, and frankly, I am surprised it hasn't happened for me yet. And saddened.
        I think I have some insight into why I might want that so bad. It's because deep down I am really scared of dying, though I would like to think otherwise, and through fame I could further convince myself of the illusion that I am some sort of immortal and nothing could ever kill me, not even a train. I think I've suspected for awhile now that death fear was a huge part of what drove myself and others, but I recently saw a documentary on the subject and after 3 or 4 days of my mind literally being trapped in a bottle because of the profound mindfuckery said film presented, I feel I am finally starting to realize how deep the reaches of death fear really could be. I know I'm digressing but I think it's an important film and worth plugging. Watch it.
      And of course another reason would be to have lots and lots of sex.
      But I will not be getting there via shameless self-promotion. I was thinking that maybe I should take that route, but I have changed my mind. That's not who I am. Maybe I should try being super-diligent or something. Or maybe I should just become a serial killer.


      Does anyone out there know how you do this shit?

Friday, November 12, 2010

Election Day!

       As you all know, Election Day is coming up soon, and I am super-psyched about voting. I am just going to waltz right in there, slap down my ID, and vote, and then I will promptly register to make my vote "official." That's one of the reasons I'm writing this, to remind you all to register on your way out of the voting place on Election Day. Otherwise, people, YOUR VOTE WILL NOT COUNT. Now, I don't know about you, but I will be voting across the board for the person who is favored to lose, because I believe in the enduring value of a good underdog story. This is something I will address in my next entry, "The Enduring Value of a Good Underdog Story."
       I'm not really going to do that, of course. There's no way I'm going to spend that much time researching to find out where every candidate stands in the polls, so more than likely I will just be wingin' it on a few. And I'm gonna skip the propositions entirely, unless there is some sort of proposition to do away with propositions. Let's face it, they tend to be pretty long-winded, and I believe that some of them even require a short answer. And I don't have time for that kind of malarkey. So with that said I would like to propose a toast, to reading less and to a more streamlined voting system.
      To be honest with you, I don't know shit from Shinola about anyone I am supposed to be voting about, or any of the candidates for anything in the entire America, for that matter, with the exception of one, of course, and I'm talking about the witch lady. I predict she will win her Senatorcy in a ginormous landslide with the help of her minions and Satan. In the meantime she will probably continue to say whatever insane shit pops into her witchy little head, and she will continue being highly doable in spite of all this.
"From there they may go on to attend the University of Buttfucking."

       If I'm not mistaken there are also a number of issues that people are concerned with. I don't know what they actually are, but I certainly hope that education isn't one of them, because I turned out just fine and I never learned to count. To me that proves that education doesn't matter. What matters is money, and I think that will be key this election, and I want to say that on the issue of money I am for it. I'm just gonna need somebody to count mine for me.