Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Internet Memes

        Hi, and welcome back to Appellate Sky, the blog that may very well save the entire blogosphere from a gruesome death at the hands of the Blogradytes. You're welcome bitches. You might notice that since my last post I have changed templates, like a boss, for that is the manner in which I do most everything. Do not be alarmed. It's still the same blog it was when I started it 8 days ago. I wouldn't have been able to keep the six of you (two of which are my immediate family) reading this long if I kept changing it around all higgledy-piggledy, or if I was throwing in gimmicks all jumbledy-wumbledy.
        Many of you have, in my imagination, asked what inspired me to start a blog in the first place. Some have speculated that I have a political agenda. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have no interest in putting my political leanings on the innuhnet, and furthermore I'll have you know that who I vote for IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, though I have no valid reason for this other than I like yelling.
        I do, however, have and interest in space aliens, and I believe that when the floods of 2012 come they will first of all be floods of Nantucket Nectar, which won't be so bad, and secondly I believe they will be alien-induced. I don't really feel like I owe you an explanation for this.
   Just know that the leader of the space invaders will be OBABO, PRESISERP OF UNITINU, for the aliens will have a language which is heavy on palindromes. He will look like this, and he will be a cool-ass motherfucker.
        OBABO will be copied and pasted all over the hypernets until he becomes an intranerdz meme. The first thing you need to know about memes is that they rhyme with teams, not games or gems. The term was coined by a scientist (the kind that be lyin', and gettin' me pissed) named Richard Dawkins in the 70's. Dawkins is best known for penning perhaps the greatest intellectual wank-fest of the last decade, The God Delusion, but it is worth noting that he has also done legitimate and respected work in the field of science.
Hello, I am so smart that I am legally retarded.
        Memes are units of cultural information, such as melodies or catch-phrases, which according to meme-theory evolve through the process of natural selection. Memes on the megatubes are inside jokes that a large number of infobahn users are in on. One of my personal favorites is "I accidentally..." This meme was born on May 19th, 2008 when an anonymous person posted on an intersphere image board the following:

                                                     hey /b/ I need your help
                                                     I accidentally 93MB of .rar files
                                                    what should I do…is this dangerous ?

        Of course this begged the question, "Accidentally what?," the answer to which would be "93MB of .rar files." The fact that the poster was wondering if it was "dangerous" leaves even more to the imagination than does the absence of a verb. The element of mystery, and the fact that it was a useful tool for trolls, caused "I accidentally..." to spread like wildfire, thus attaining meme status, and soon people were accidentally everything from coke bottles to fleshlights to the economy to $11.95. The great thing about this meme is that you can accidentally anything.
      Another classic is "Divide By Zero." The thing about dividing by zero is that conventional wisdom tells us it can't be done. However, in recent years, an international network of nerds communicating through a series of tubes has called this belief into question. Today there is a strong contingent of individuals surfing the tube-o-sphere who believe that division by zero is in fact possible, but that if you were ever to do it something incredibly bad would happen. That could be anything from the End of Days to the sum of all human experience suddenly becoming like a neverending episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Others theorize that if one were to divide by zero one would create a time paradox which would cause one to go back in time and not divide by zero. But to most this school of thought is considered unrealistically sanguine.
        The bottom line and overriding point that I would like you to take away from this entire blog entry is that YOU SHOULD NEVER FUCKING DIVIDE BY ZERO, EVER. Think about the children. Are you really so selfish and rebellious that you feel the need to thwart over 80,000 years of science just to feel good about yourself, with full knowledge that you could in fact be jeopardizing innocent babies? Think about it. Here are some links to other memes for you to review after you're done thinking long and hard about that.

I'm in your base killing your d00ds        DO NOT WANT

When you see it...      I'm an Anteater!!!      Diabeetus      I see what you did there      Do a Barrel Roll!

Chuck Norris Facts      Yo Dawg      Leprechaun      Om Nom Nom Nom


Friday, September 10, 2010

        Hello, and welcome to Appellate Sky, a blog about jogs, dogs, clogs, getting flogged, and other blogs. As the image in the upper right clearly indicates, this blog is awesome. I started it just now, and so far am very happy with it.
        This blog is going to be a depository of sorts, much like your mom. But unlike your mom, who is usually filled up by her best friend, Russell the Love Muscle, it will contain humorous commentary on pop culture and current events, as well as some deep metaphysical reflecting and the occasional poem--to be immediately followed by pyrotechnics, and second tier porn stars posing with snazzy choppers. AMERICA RULEZ.
        Now that I have my mission statement complete, I would like to move on to the actual blogging process. It's going to be epic, like the double rainbow guy or Sad Keanu. Not so much like Ovid's Metamorphoses, which is probably more boring than epic. I mean, it's gotta be, right? It was written something like two hundred years ago.
        I want to talk about paraprosdokians (pronunciation here: A paraprosdokian is a statement or phrase which has an unexpected ending. A lot of old British people such as Winston Churchill (who is now possibly dead), have used them. Some paraprosdokians are almost nightmarishly unfunny, such "change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." Others, such as this one from the late comic Mitch Hedberg, are not.

        "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

        Saturday Night Live used to have this disembodied voice named Jack Handey who also had a hand in many a paraprosdokian.
       "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
       "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

        Emo Phillips, who is most famous for his conceptual joke in which he created a genre of music that sounds like hobbit-rape and named it after himself, was also known for his paraprosdokianing.

        "I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks."

        A formal comedy routine or sketch is an appropriate setting for parawhatever usage. An example of an inappropriate situation would be during sexual intercourse. Imagine you and your ladyfriend or hunk of manmeat are getting busy, making the beast with two backs, if you will, and you cry out "I belong to no organized party! I am a Democrat!" While this may be factually correct, it could be a real mood-killer. Plus, Will Rogers already said it like 7,000 years ago.
        I hope this has been informative. I personally have learned that your mother is a whore. We'll see you next time, then, when I will further pursue my ambitionz as writah. Konichiwa bitches.