Thursday, November 17, 2011

Same-Sex Marriage and its Inherent Gayness

       A few of you may recall that a while back I posted the elegant and rather understated opinion piece "You Would Know I Wasn't Gay If I Was Balls Deep In Your Ass." Well I mention that only because I have this massive complex where I am terrified of repeating myself and don't want to do it ever, and do not want so much as one person to even perceive that I have done that. So if anyone reading this starts to feel like they might be on the verge of perceiving that I am repeating myself, please do me a huge favor and shoot yourself in the head.

       So now that it has been established that I am definitely not repeating myself, I would like to extend my warmest gratitude to you all, and to anyone who has ever taken the time out of their precious day to view this high quality free material that I have slaved for untold hours over. Thank you all so fucking much for doing me that monumental favor; your largesse is almost embarrassing and I am entirely unworthy. I love you all very much and would hereby like to ask for your figurative hands in marriage, because if gay people are allowed to get married then all bets are off, right? So why don't we all just get married electronically, even though we live in various countries and have never met in person, and for all you know I eat nothing but baloney and don't even go to church?  I mean why don't I just marry a dead person or a chair, or Vaudeville or a sponge, or General Motors or Monticello, New York? Or better yet, why don't I marry an abstract idea? Like say I'm in love with the sanctity of marriage. Who's to say we can't just run off to Vegas and get hitched, and proceed to have hideously nebulous children together?

Pee Wee Herman gets it. Why don't you?

       Because everyone knows that aside from this whole homo fiasco, marriage is exactly the same as it has always been. Just ask my twelve-year-old impregnated wife whom I acquired for a dowry of three and half goats. It's exactly the same as it was in the Bible.

"A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin.
If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed."
Deuteronomy: 22:13-21

       Oh snap, wait. That wasn't the right quote. But why don't all you sanctity haterz try this one on for size?

"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover
her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain
of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Leviticus 20:18

       Woaahhh, what the FUCK DUDE?!?!  That definitely wasn't the one I was looking for. It's the one about how if a man lies with another man it's an abomination, and it's definitely valid seeing as it came from the Bible.

       Though I suppose it's worth mentioning that the Bible does not actually say it's an abomination. The King James translation of the Bible says that. The original Hebrew word is toevah, which actually means something more along the lines of "taboo," as in "this is something that other tribes may do but we the tribe of Levi do not do," and it's important to remember that we are talking about fucking tribes here. This was thousands of motherfucking years ago people. But apparently "taboo" wasn't enough of a bitchin' invective to go in the book named after the guy who supervised the torture of suspected witches.

       So clearly the problem is that they are trying to change marriage, and not that some people are unwilling to adapt. And really, why should people let go of their centuries-old Byzantine system of beliefs because these characters who have been gay for at the most 60 or 70 years all of a sudden want rights? I don't even understand why they chose to be gay in the first place. As a man myself I find the idea of sucking a penis to be disgusting, so I don't really get why they would want to go and do that.


       Oh yeah, I remember now, it's because of Original Sin. It's sort of like how when I'm feeling sinful I eat a chicken salad sandwich. You may not know this about me, but I really don't care for chicken salad. It's not appealing to me and it never has been, but when I get to living in sin I just can't fucking help myself.

       I have noticed that opposition to same-sex marriage, aside from being not at all related to homophobia and rather related to family values and such, also seems to be strongest in countries where more of these traditional types of values are present. Countries like Malawi. It was there that two gay men were sentenced to 14 years in prison after they proclaimed their love for each other in a public engagement ceremony. Later they were pardoned due to international pressure, but it is worth noting that a country that would bust out colonial-era sodomy laws to put two people who dared to be openly in love to more than a decade of hard labor, is also the kind of country that still has female circumcision; a country where, as of 2004, an estimated 37 percent of girls between the ages of 15 and 19 were married, divorced or widowed; a country where domestic violence is largely permitted, and there is no legislation against spousal rape. You know, traditional family values type shit.
       And on the flip side of the coin, in havens for sexually deviant Marxists and anti-liberty gun-hating abortion doctors such as Canada, Britain, Germany, France, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland and Portugal, same-sex marriage is legal.

       And since I'm just so crazy and backwards that I don't want to see my children grow up in a gay-run totalitarian police state, I should like to now formally protest this nonsense. I will do it the best way I know how, by posting some pictures of same-sex couples and putting devastatingly damning captions beneath.

       "Hi, we want to be treated as equals, even if it means that the very sanctity of marriage as we know it will shatter, letting in harmful UV rays to give everyone cancer and destroy mankind. So let us marry all your cats please. Kthxbai."

       "Hi, we are dykes watching dykes riding bikes that we like. Ask us if we give a good goddam about your candyass civilization unraveling."

       "Never mind us, we're just creeping into the psyches of your children and hastening the extinction of your species."

       "Oh hi, we just recruited twelve new people into our militant lesbian book club. Our selection for this week is Mein Kampf and we'll be discussing themes of self-discovery. Feel free to drop in!"

Oh shit, wrong picture.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Really Hard Art of Articulating Good


       I have spent quite a bit of time throughout the course of my life reading fiction and dictionaries and periodicals and such in a humble effort to better comprehend our magnificent English language, and that is why I find it so dreadfully offensive when people are too retarded to use it properly. It fills me with an almost godlike rage when I reflect on all my beneficent and philanthropic efforts to educate these heathens, through my own superior writings and oratory endeavors, and their outright refusal to accept and genuflect to me as their linguistic master, so that they may have some small chance of growing a brain. It is without a doubt the greatest curse of my righteous yet humble existence.

       But at least I can find some solace in the fact that they will be doomed to living a nightmare of split infinitives, dangling participles, and a total inability to appreciate NPR. Moreover, I am convinced that when they die they will all go straight to Hell, where they will be forced to conjugate Latin verbs on an extremely squeaky chalkboard for the rest of eternity. And all they will be able to say at that point is that they would of learned proper English if they had known they were suppose to. And they will probably think to themselves now isn't this ironic, because they will still have no fucking clue what that word actually means.

       But what I really find to be an ironic coincidence is that a lot of you grammatically incorrect motherfuckers will be too lazy to even bother clicking on some of these images, even though it will be obvious that you are supposed to. I mean God forbid you are forced to burn one millionth of a calorie, and wait three whole seconds to be taken to my Photobucket account, which ironically is just like my grammatical prowess in that it has unlimited bandwidth and has been upgraded to Pro.

       You know what's really a thorn in my shit list is when the yearbook editor throw's a random apostrophe into my catchphrase and makes me seem even dumber than I am.

       Maybe the young lady wasn't interested in letting you "holla" because you yell too much. I mean every fourth word seems to be an orgasm with you. And your understanding of capitalization is dubious to say the least. What's especially troubling is that 14 out of 14 people found this garbled piece of misguided gobbledygook to be helpful. 

       This is an example of writing that is practically flawless. Don't even bother trying to question the greatness of this thing, for the words will slip right through your hands like a bar of peeny-scented soap. I guess that's what you get for trying to hold words in your hands, stupid.

       There's a big difference between representing cultural diversity and pandering to a specific community, CNN. You seem to be doing the second one and I think you best step the fuck off.

       The infamous facebook grammar Nazi is a figure often reviled but seldom praised. I wouldn't recommend this career path to any of you youngsters, as your work will almost certainly be underappreciated, and the pay is abysmal. But the satisfaction derived from letting someone from the canaille know just how stupid they are, and wiping that imbecilic grin off their face even if only for a second, is to some of us worth all of the blood, sweat, and tears.

       I can tell our friend Roanald is a gentleman and a scholar because your average dumbass would look at the word "toupe" and think that it rhymes with "poop." These are the same fucktards that go around pronouncing "meme" as "maymay."

       Sometimes it's best to take the Hemingway approach and get straight to the point. If it works for you, you may wish to prolong the endeavor, in which case I recommend you think of Gertrude Stein.

My neurons are suicide bombing each other.

R.I.P. My Heterosexuality

Miracles everywhere in this bitch.