Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Incredibly Prestigious Awards That I Made Up Just Now


       I would like to thank everybody reading this right now for being a part of this super-serious event that we are all so amazingly fascinated by because it is a really important and meaningful celebration of culture. As I mentioned in the title, these awards are incredibly prestigious, and as such there is a lot of tasteful pageantry involved. You are about to see elegance of a magnitude so great that you will carry it with you in the dominion of fleeting fantasy for the remainder of your appallingly tedious lives. So prepare to have your retinas mercilessly sodomized by a captivating spectacle of enchantment and wonder that will completely divest you of your hilarious self-respect and replace it with a discontentment so profound that you will wallow in its sordid morass for what will undoubtedly feel like eons.

     And so, without further prolonging the agony of anticipating this grand gala and the ecstasy it will deliver, let us commence with the exquisitely dignified ceremony.

       Ladies and gentlemen, it is an honor to be here tonight and to be the presenter of this year's incredibly prestigious award for Shittiest Employee to be a Pretty Cool Guy.

       And the award for Best Leading Turtle goes too.......Timothy Turtleton, in Turtle Destruction.

       Well I must say, it is really an extravagant privilege to announce tonight's winner for Grandiosity.

 do you open these things? Sorry folks, it's my first day with these hands. And the Award for Best Portrayal of a Bastard goes to...Jeff Foster, in Tired of Birds.

       Ladies and is a very special introduce this year's Man of homeboy Arvind......sorry, I'm hyperventilating right now.

Best Performance by a Non-vegan 

Best Supporting Squirrel, Richard W. Rodent, Legends of the Squirrel

Best Stuffed Animal in a Garbage Can Role

And finally, the grandest distinction of them all, Most Pointless Use of the Element of Surprise