Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Incredibly Prestigious Awards That I Made Up Just Now


       I would like to thank everybody reading this right now for being a part of this super-serious event that we are all so amazingly fascinated by because it is a really important and meaningful celebration of culture. As I mentioned in the title, these awards are incredibly prestigious, and as such there is a lot of tasteful pageantry involved. You are about to see elegance of a magnitude so great that you will carry it with you in the dominion of fleeting fantasy for the remainder of your appallingly tedious lives. So prepare to have your retinas mercilessly sodomized by a captivating spectacle of enchantment and wonder that will completely divest you of your hilarious self-respect and replace it with a discontentment so profound that you will wallow in its sordid morass for what will undoubtedly feel like eons.

     And so, without further prolonging the agony of anticipating this grand gala and the ecstasy it will deliver, let us commence with the exquisitely dignified ceremony.

       Ladies and gentlemen, it is an honor to be here tonight and to be the presenter of this year's incredibly prestigious award for Shittiest Employee to be a Pretty Cool Guy.

       And the award for Best Leading Turtle goes too.......Timothy Turtleton, in Turtle Destruction.

       Well I must say, it is really an extravagant privilege to announce tonight's winner for Grandiosity.

 do you open these things? Sorry folks, it's my first day with these hands. And the Award for Best Portrayal of a Bastard goes to...Jeff Foster, in Tired of Birds.

       Ladies and is a very special introduce this year's Man of homeboy Arvind......sorry, I'm hyperventilating right now.

Best Performance by a Non-vegan 

Best Supporting Squirrel, Richard W. Rodent, Legends of the Squirrel

Best Stuffed Animal in a Garbage Can Role

And finally, the grandest distinction of them all, Most Pointless Use of the Element of Surprise 


  1. Once again, I see these awards have been determined by behind-the-scenes payoffs and industry wrangling. Plus, I'm pretty sure Arvind slept his way up.

  2. Well that's a creepy ass turtle up there!

  3. Oh gosh too hard to really pin point which I believe should be # one over all. I may have to go with the stuffed animal in a Garbage Can Role, because first the elephant is too cute and second the title rocks!

  4. Ha! I'm cracking up over here! Oh and I agree with Katy, pretty sure Arvin DID sleep his way up!

  5. Your post on awards is sure to win you some highly valuable blogger awards. Leibster anyone?

  6. Ok, where have you been! The internet misses you! It's not like you had a baby like I did! Or did you?

    The squirrel is epic. The guy loading packages clearly needs to lose his job. Also, "tired of birds?" The award you gave that guy is aptly deserved.

  7. See, white people? This is why the other races make fun of us.

  8. These are very clever and unique awards. It will be tough to win one without doing something so goofy that I get my own category that no one else can compete in. I got it for next year.

    Arvind is my favorite. He has a look like, "Duh. Of course I won. I kick ass, don't I?" He will go to a very good school, work his way up to CEO, and be the biggest dick-head boss ever.

  9. Arvind you even the least bit excited, Arvind?

  10. Maybe Arvind was caught off guard by the pointless use of surprise guy. Likely it would have scarred him for life.

  11. I was ROBBED! My performance in I'm So Tired of Adorable Frolicking Kittens That I Tase Them should definitely have won the Award for Best Portrayal of a Bastard over Jeff Foster. I suspect this was Arvind's handiwork.

  12. My kinda ceremony! Hope you're back blogging soon!

  13. Hi I'm looking for your contact info for a book review/post?
    Can you email me at EdenLiterary at gmail dot com

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