Saturday, September 8, 2012

Fucking Myself With A Legitimate Rake: The Misadventures Of A Wayward Congressman


       I think I speak for most legitimate Americans when I say I am outraged at all of the liberal media bias surrounding a certain nondescript televised incident that is purported to have happened at some point or another, but was entirely un-newsworthy if it did in fact occur. The spin doctors at radicalized hippie cooperatives such as CNN and MSNBC have done so much to try and demonize the guy involved in this particular thing that it is almost as if they were sent here by Satan for the express purpose of tearing him down, and they don't even seem to give a care that he is the holder of a great heart.

       So since they are insisting on turning this trivial little blooper of sorts that was clearly not intended to have far-reaching sinister implications into something that they are saying possibly does or whatever; and since they are displaying all the puerile sadism of snot-nosed schoolchildren who wriggle with pleasure as they murder ants under magnifying glasses; and since they are appealing to the innermost bloodlust of their sniveling, sycophantic viewers by playing it over and over again to the point of utter absurdity, and on top of that having the unmitigated gall to give their decidedly negative opinions about it, I have decided to launch a vicious campaign of my own. I will not resort to the insidiously underhanded and bitterly barbaric tactics of those aforementioned jihadists of journalism, but please understand that some of the truths I uncover will be grievously offensive by their very nature, and thus it will be almost impossible to phrase them nicely, so please just know that I have only the purest of intentions when I tell you matter-of-factly that Bill Clinton is a rapist. He is a voraciously villainous raper of the very worst kind, even though there is no actual evidence to support that, and no legal action was ever taken against him. But it can still be said with absolute certainty that in a bygone decade someone accused him of rape. And that right there is the real #waronwomen, ladies and germs.

       It really never ceases to amaze me to no end when I present a liberal with some very compelling evidence such as the fact of all these accusations floating around about Clinton, and instead of treating it as the serious matter that it is, they choose instead to focus on my supposed grammatical shortcomings and act like I overexaggerate things and that I'm being redundant, and that's when I'm like, "please, how much more longer are we going to focus on me and not the issues?" And I find it totally hilarious when they just stare at me blankly, and then make up some ridiculous excuse for why they can no longer spar with me, like that they have to go pursue a more intriguing political discourse with a very small child or an amphibian of some sort, because by doing so they are merely conceding that my points are unassailable.

       And by the way, come talk to me about the #waronwomen when you are ready to ascertain that there are hundreds of thousands of women who have been forcibly removed from the job pool by possible wife-beater Barack Obama just in the last three years, and that he has driven out hundreds of thousands more retroactively. Incredibly, he was not even content to ravish them out of their interest in employment during the time of his own presidency, so he made the brazen unilateral decision to reach back into the Bush administration stick it to them hardcore, especially women aged 25-54, since a higher percentage of women in that age bracket left the work force in Bush's first 30 months in office than did in Obama's.  And yet he refuses to go back to the year 1961 and provide digital footage of him being born in America. How very convenient that is of you Barry.

       I mean, let's just forget for a second that women's labor force participation increased during every administration from Eisenhower to Clinton, but began to level off in the late 1980's, and from the Bush administration to present has been in gradual decline, which all points to social trends beyond the president's scope of power; and let's just forget for a second that Obama is implementing the "Women Owned Business" contracting program that was passed by Clinton but never begun by Bush, which gives those businesses a better shot at landing government contracts; and let's just forget for a second that Obama appointed the first-ever White House adviser on violence against women, and forget for a second about the Violence Against Women Act that was co-authored by Biden and has for almost two decades enjoyed broad bipartisan support, but is currently being obstructed by Republicans in the House because they object to the new measures for protecting Native American women, members of the LGBT community, and undocumented immigrants; and let's just forget for a second that Obama supported the Paycheck Fairness Act that would give women more protection should they choose to sue an employer for gender-based wage discrimination and would allow them to discuss pay with other employees without fear of reprisal, but the Republicans activated their Yu-Gi-Oh trap card and filibustered that shit, twice; and in fact, let's just forget about all of that stuff completely. Let's just go with our hearts on this one, because we know deep down that Obama is the problem. He will not be happy until all of our women are either barefoot in the study reading Flaubert or some shit or are employees of some freaky Soilent Green version of Planned Parenthood that forces American citizens to subsist on a slurry of fetuses and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. And let us applaud the few women who are brave enough to stand up to this brutal onslaught of change we don't need, this cowardly new world we hate, by performing verbal fellatio on the people who as part of their not-even-trying-to-hide-it-this-time voter suppression campaign are openly attacking the League of Women Voters, a rogue organization that has its despicable roots in helping to enfranchise women after it became legal for them to vote. I'm looking at you, Dana Loesch. Give yourself a pat on the back.

"WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT" is a cool way of saying you support the
military-industrial complex, but are opposed to the use of potty mouth.

       And so please do forgive me if I happen to erupt into violent paroxysms of uproarious laughter when you tell me that one minor dinky diminutive accident of a tiny little minuscule misspoken brain fart that was less than a dwarfish lilliputian pocket-size non-event is in some way reflective of a widespread affinity for pseudoscience and magical thinking within the ranks of the political party to which this phantom allegedly belongs. But since you people don't seem to realize that you are on a need-to-know basis and that the things you need to know will be fully disclosed to you and that if something is newsworthy you will be given an imperial nod which is your cue to go ahead and discuss it if you wish, and if not then you would be well-advised to shut your fetid plebeian treason flaps; and since you insist on being the infuriating pricks who love nothing more than to drag a person's name through the mud and who will not be satisfied until the person's character lies battered and bloodied upon the sordid, slanted earth, I guess I will be forced to weigh in on the matter. Todd Akin is an idiotic piece of dried-up disgrace and I hate him. He has always been a huge dork who gets no love from the ladies. People always mess with him in the hallways at Congress, and one time Roscoe Bartlett pantsed him in front of a bunch of legislators, including girls, and we all saw his shriveled little Tea Party member. Another time he asked Michelle Bachmann to the "All-White 50's Night" dance and she laughed in his retarded Dungeons and Dragons-playing face. My beliefs have never so much as resided on the same continent as his, and frankly, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

       So now that we have gotten that out of the way, I hope we can finally get beyond all of this partisan diatribe and really start to focus on the issues at hand, issues such as whether we should do away with all labor laws or just most of them, and whether we should begin a protracted land war in both Iran and Syria or just Iran, or just Syria. I'm just trying to think of ways to get America back on track, since we are clearly doing far worse than we were four years ago. I mean sure, in 2008 we lost 2.6 million jobs when we would have needed to create 1.5 million just to keep up with the expanding labor force, and we have now seen 30 consecutive months of private sector job growth; and sure the Dow Jones is 60% higher than it was when Obama took office, which could be seen as objectively better for anyone who happens to have a 401(k), and sure corporate profits have more than doubled since the final quarter of 2008; and sure if you are a member of al Qaeda you are probably not rooting for Obama in this election, and sure the big war that was started with a fairy tale but in the real world killed over 100,000 people has finally been brought to an end despite fervent opposition from people like Mitt Romney, and sure it would appear that we now have a president who actually has heard of jus ad bellum; and sure if you are a woman in America you can no longer be charged more for insurance simply because you are a woman, and you cannot be charged more for well woman checkups or be charged more for birth control because of someone else's religious beliefs, and if you're a student you will not have fees added to your federal student loans because the profit-driven middleman has been taken out of the equation, but we still know deep down in our innermost heart of hearts the Obama is a huge failure who just makes us want to puke.