Thursday, May 26, 2011

My Unbridled Hatred for Intolerant People and Hippies

       In my younger and more vulnerable years my friend gave me some LSD that has been rainbowing around in my head ever since. "Listen to jam bands," said the LSD, "just remember never to pay to see Widespread Panic, because even if you take a bunch of me they're still only so-so." Well it was around that time that I realized I really liked jam bands. Throughout high school and freshman year of college my love for jam bands continued to blossom and flourish, like a trippy neon space flower exploding into a kagillion little phosphorescent pieces, and forming the rings around a trippy-ass version of Saturn and then exploding again, and also I continued taking LSD. And then I can remember at some point during my sophomore year of college I arrived at the conclusion that the jam bands I had once thought were so amazing were actually kind of terrible, and it occurred to me around that same time that it had been several months since I had taken you guessed it, LSD.
       But I can say with some degree of pride that in the five or so years that I was tripping the light fantastic I never did become what you could reasonably call a hippie. I continued taking advantage of what modern hygiene had to offer, and I never shat in the woods or participated in a drum circle. I mean at Big Cypress I did actually shit in the woods, but had you seen the condition of some of those port-a-lets you would understand why--I mean it certainly was not that I wanted to shit in the woods--and you would agree that that isolated incident does not make me a hippie, even though I did participate in a drum circle or two.

        I forgot to mention that I will also be posting some pictures of really, really despicable people. I assure you this is just a matter of happenstance. I promise it is not my intention to draw a correlation between Osama Bin Laden and hippies.

       We all know that hippies fucking love the planet Earth. And while I see nothing inherently wrong with that, I think this is a little extreme.

Oh yes I did, Sassy Hitler. Oh yes I did.

       This GIF will keep the hippies occupied for the next 4 to 20 hours, while the rest of you will finish reading this post in a matter of minutes, and go on to do something that contributes to society.

       I think we can all agree that Jim Jones was not the best guy. And not to suggest that he was a hippie or anything, but he lived on a fucking commune in the forest and had what he referred to as his "rainbow family." He is also responsible for one of the largest mass murders/mass suicides in history. There's a book about it for anyone who's interested, The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.

Mother of God, these space hippies are terrifying.

       This is Wavy Gravy, and he wants nobody for president. You will notice that his website, like the man himself, is stuck in a bygone decade. But the great irony now is that with Jerry Garcia, Timothy Leary, and Ken Kesey gone, the likeliest de facto president of the hippies is Wavy-fucking-Gravy. I predict he will squander their federal budget on rainbows and clown parades.

       Alarmingly, studies indicate that hippies are becoming even groovier and further out than they were in the 60's. It is believed that the Common Tour Rat, a.k.a. phatti microbus, is the most revoltingly far out species the world has ever seen. Indeed they are so far out that they have their own unique language, and consume special drugs that your average louse-free employed square has never even heard of, such as headies, pressies, and firemost shards. Regrettably they are not shards of glass that are on fire, but instead are crystalline MDMA, which actually seems to nourish phatti microbus, and provides him with the energy necessary to sell the shittiest grilled cheese sandwiches known to man, the bread for which he most likely stole from the dumpster behind Wal-Mart. Forgive me if I'm not being "good family" by telling them your secrets, Common Tour Rat. In 1998 one of your womenfolk charged me $60 for a skimpy bag of mediocre kind bud, and I've never forgotten that. I'm sure in her little rodential mind I was just another "custie," but guess what, I wasn't, and I am now raining down vengeance upon you and your entire people with the power of my clever words and comical images. Schwilly, brah. Schwilly, indeed.

       I'm not trying to imply that Ted Kaczynski is a hippie, but one thing he definitely has in common with some of the early radical political hippies is that he didn't like certain abstract ideas and decided to try bombing them. Amazingly, it didn't have the desired effect. I know that many of those aforementioned flower children were angry about actual things, such as the Vietnam War, but I think that the actual things were really just symbols for some abstract and juvenile resentments made blurrier by bong smoke. I mean I get that it was atrocious. Henry Kissinger was, is, one of the worst war criminals of the latter half of the 20th century, and they gave him a fucking Peace Prize. I get that that's a travesty and I would have been angry too. But the solution is not to bomb your local police and/or their commemorative statues. That's just dumb. I mean grow up already. Some of you are old enough to be my parents and still haven't.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Some of the Dopest Hip-Hop That I Can Totally Relate With

       Judging by my name, which, if you cannot be bothered to simply look to your right, because you are a lazy indifferent fatass with terrible furniture and very unattractive earlobes, is Elliot MacLeod-Michael, you might be surprised to learn that I am in fact white. But I assure you that does not mean I don't know how to pull stunts for all the people I know and get hyphey in this motherfuck. And I know the very fact that I am street enough to be able to use such authentic vernacular will come as a shock to many of you, but what can I really say to that except whoops, there it is. So I would like to introduce you all now to my crunk-ass dope boy alter ego, MC Cooliot.

       Yo yo, what's good family? It's ya boy Coolee in this motherfucking shit, and speaking of shit it's about to pop off, ya heard? 225 represent, Jigga City wuzzz gooodd y'all? Baton Rouge is my motherfucking city and that is the city which I am motherfucking representing y'aalll!!! Just a trill as motherfucker from the dirty dirty keepin it real and shit you know errything copastetic in this wait no I can't do this. This is not who I am. What was I thinking, I'm whiter than fuck. I do however have some limited knowledge of hip hop culture, and valid opinions about that genre of music, even though I am very much what's known as a "Clampett."

       One thing I know is that in hip hop culture there are numerous slang terms for "car." You might want to roll out to the club in your whip, or perhaps you'd prefer to push your slab instead. Or perhaps if it was cool out you would opt to take the vert (see above).

       A common misconception about hip hop culture is that it was heavily influenced by writer and reformed pimp Iceberg Slim, when in fact the real founding father was none other than Benjamin Franklin. It has been said that while the pimp game of Iceberg Slim was legendary, President Franklin's was nothing short of electrifying.

       A big part of hip hop culture is the recognition of a top dog or alpha male. As you can see these bitches are popping it for pimp.

       Another important part of the culture is the consumption of "lean," which refers to a number of different narcotic cough syrups, some fairly mild and some extremely potent. But if anyone asks you what kind you happen to be sipping on just say "fuck you, it's my cup." Then fight them if necessary.

       B-boying is just as much a part of hip-hop culture as rapping is, but if you call it breakdancing you is pie as fuck, because that's a name that was given to it by the media.

Here are some more b-boys.   

       Getting your swerve on can either mean getting drunk or dancing, and often means both. But sometimes getting your swerve on goes horribly wrong.

In no way, shape or form is this related to hip hop.

        A "fuck nigga" is a basically a clown ass motherfucker. It's probably not the best idea to be saying this if you're white, which is why I put it in quotations to show that I didn't say it. If you're white and you happen to encounter one of these individuals, you're better off calling them a cake boy or a fuck boy.

       You is definitely duck as fuck if you think the baddest bitch in the game is Nicki Minaj. The first thing I have to say is that her lyrics are retarded, not in the hip hop sense which would mean they are awesome, but in the sense that would mean they are the opposite of smart. And though her delivery is unique it is ultimately a gimmick, sort of like everything else she does. In other words she is a Pillow Pet. All the kids love her right now but in a little while she will be dingy and forgotten. 

       I hope you didn't think I wasn't going to tell you who is the baddest bitch. It's motherfucking Remy Ma. Right now Remy Ma is in jail for straight-up shooting a bitch. Unfortunately her victim had to find out the hard way that stealing from Remy Ma is a terrible idea. Now she will probably never shit right again. But prison isn't hurting Remy's creativity. Here she is freestyling without any beat, and you will notice she is still over 9000 times better than Nicki Minaj. Check it the fuck out.

       One hip hop album that I have in my iPod but have not had a chance to listen to yet is J Dilla's Donuts. If it's as good as everyone says it is I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy it, because I'm one of these people who usually enjoys things that are good.

       Well hey there little fella, you're looking kinda down. What da bizness is? Could it be because when all those people say you are the best rapper alive...that deep down you know that is patently false? It's okay, Weezy, no one here is trying to say you aren't talented. It's just that there are rappers out there who are a hell of a lot more talented.

       Take Big Boi for example. His severed head is being held by some mysterious white bitch in a leotard of some sort. Therefore everything you do is invalid, I'm afraid.

       And what about this guy, Ghostface Killah? Do you think you are better at rapping than he is? If so I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. Also I wouldn't recommend saying shit like that to his face. Ask Mase about that. Also, if you haven't heard Fishscale, it is much better than anything you have ever done or will do. I would highly recommend you go and cop that jawn.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Rebellious Teens and Other Repellent Things

        In a recent study conducted by NASA it was revealed that approximately 9 out of 9 teens are fucking douchebags. When I heard about this study I was surprised to say the least. My reaction was probably about like this.

       But it wasn't because that statistic was higher than I expected. In fact, I think I expected that teens would somehow do the impossible and be even douchier than that. No, what surprised me was that the same people who can claim such landmark achievements as the invention of astronaut ice cream could be so obtuse as to think that would be a good study to conduct. How dare they waste our tax dollars on such bunkum, I thought. Then I went for a drive to get some ice cream because I was going to attempt to freeze-dry it like the astronauts do, because it's ten times better that way, when all of a sudden I saw this kickass meteor streak across the sky, and I was suddenly reminded of how little we all are. I come from a tribe of Mbuti pygmies and we are all very small. Actually that thought wasn't really related to the meteor.

       But I got to thinking about little people and that reminded me of dwarfs, which reminded me of this video, which reminded me of how sweet and innocent the children are, which reminded me of how tragic it is that they turn into the filthy fucking shitty ass degenerate dirtbags we commonly call "teens". But it has just now occurred to me that some of my readers may actually be teens, and if that happens to be the case just know I am talking about other teens and not you. You are super smart and mature and I would never wish for you to die.

       You know what's a really non-conformist thing to do is to not ever wear your seatbelt, ever, but you get extra non-conformist points for jumping off a building (but not any of my dear teenage friends who are reading this).

       You just had to be in a picture that's not related to anything, didn't you? You're not making this any easier you smarmy little fuck.  


You're goddam right I am, this is serious. Also I'm not your bro.


       Actually, goth is already for pussies. Emo is for people who make pussies seem like the Incredible Hulk throwing a bear the length of a football field.


       Hanging out with one Fran Drescher--let alone four of them--is not nearly as cool as you apparently think it is, Rebecca.

Sloths, on the other hand, are pretty fucking cool.

     You may not be an actual teen, but you are definitely trying. And that is why you deserve every bit of this and worse.

       If I had my way it would be your people who were the minorities, sir, and I'm not talking about Mormons I'm talking about teens.

       Oh teens, why can't you be more like our friend Mr. Polar Bear? Eh plays with his tube all day and doesn't afraid of anything. Personally I think he's a pretty cool guy.

       But no, you have to be like this instead.

       Enough with the fucking melodrama already. Enough with saying "fuck you dad" in almost everything you do. Your views are retarded and you should keep them to yourself. There are more important issues than the legalization of pot. Most cops are not murdering thieving rapists, and do not do the drugs they confiscate, man. Stop acting like you know what the fuck you are talking about when it's a genetic fact that you have a head full of dogshit. So eat your fucking vegetables and shut the fuck up.

       Except for my loyal readers. You guys are awesome.

       Well, I'm afraid my Mbuti brethren require my assistance and I will have to be getting on. Gonna take out my anger at teens on a punk-ass elephant.