Friday, March 25, 2011

Granting Wishes With My Magic Johnson

        I don't know if I've ever told you about my Magic Johnson, but it's pretty amazing. I can do all sorts of incredible things with it, such as flip through a newspaper without using my hands, or select your floor for you if we happen to be on an elevator together. With my Magic Johnson, I have literally cured hundreds of women of their stress and anxiety--sometimes merely waving it around causes them to have stress-relieving convulsions. Once I was a little too forceful with my Magic Johnson and I accidentally turned a woman to dust. But on the hole it's done a lot more good than harm. On the whole, I mean. It's starting to look like my Magic Johnson will defy all odds and live forever and ever.

       The last time I used my Magic Johnson on a woman, she had a baby that turned out to be a super genius. This all happened yesterday.

       A little while back, I let some college cheerleaders polish my Magic Johnson for good luck. They went on to win the Division 1A Hip Hop National Championships.

       Even the mighty silverback gorilla gets scared when I whip out my Magic Johnson.

       One time I busted out the old Magic Johnson for Oprah. That was the day she gave everyone a car.

       Here is a classic photograph of the perennially awesome Betty White, with her arms wrapped confidently around you guessed it, my Magic Johnson.

No fucking way am I doing one for this. Next picture.

Dude, fuck you. Seriously.

       Okay, now this I can work with. It is widely speculated that during the filming of the kung-fu masterpiece Kill Bill: Volume 1, Uma Thurman stayed at the peak of fitness by using a chin-up bar known as my Magic Johnson.

Hmmm. Looks like someone got a hold of my Magic Johnson.

       On December 9, 2006, Joan Higginbotham became the third female African American astronaut when she was launched into space on my Magic Johnson.

pic unrelated

       Boudicca was quite possibly the baddest bitch who ever walked the earth. As queen of the Iceni tribe, she led a revolt against occupying forces of the Roman Empire. Among other acts of extreme badassery, she burned London to the ground, and left 70 or 80,000 Roman fuckfaces in a state of total death. Then she sailed to Byzantium aboard the good ship my Magic Johnson.

       The Epic of Gilgamesh is one of the oldest stories in the world, and apparently deals with bestiality on some level? Well I really don't know, but one thing it definitely deals with is this major flood they had which sucked a lot of ass. But what it doesn't explain is that this massive discharge of salty fluid had everything to do with 700 sacred prostitutes of the goddess Ishtar, the goddess herself, and a massive game of tug-o-war with none other than my Magic Johnson. You're welcome for this.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Very Best #1 in the World Superlative List of ALL TIME!!!

Most likely to pee on everything you love
       When I was in high school, they gave out superlatives for really lame, generic things such as "Most Likely to Succeed," "Most Humorous," and "Most Athletic." With all due respect to the yearbook club at Suncoast High in Riviera Beach, Florida in the late 90's, I think you guys could have done a hell of a lot better. First of all, it was fucked up that you only gave out like seven of them, so everyone else was left feeling like a dried up piece of failshit because they weren't selected. And secondly, you could have been much more inventive. When you think about it, who really gives a flying furry fuck who is the most likely to become president out of 300 nobodies who are not going to become president? And also, everyone probably already knows who is the biggest "flirt" a.k.a. slut. And do we really need to know who is the student with the best sneeze? Bitch, please. I could have done way better. So I guess you can all just suck my balls through my draws, cuz I'm bout to show you how it's done.

       Most likely to have a three-hour fuck sesh with your mother and sister


Most likely to enjoy hearing cool stories, bro
Most likely to get a job at Brool Story, Co.

Most likely to be a prison punk


Most likely to use little-known expletives


Most likely to destroy the planet Earth because it obstructs her view of Venus

Best Hair

Lord of the Flies

Most likely to be a goddam genius


Most Influential Anything Ever


Most likely to climb the beanstalk of ostracism and warp to eternal virginity


Most likely to become a one-man killing machine


Most likely to time-travel


The last person you want to fuck with


World's Strongest Human


Most likely to turn into a wolverine


Best blogger on the wonderwebs!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Alpha Males: Dominant Homozygotes With Extra Chromosomes

       This would not be considered a prime example of an alpha male. From my understanding they tend to be smoother than this.  But how much do we know about alpha males really? What really defines them, and furthermore what the fuck does "alpha" even mean? It sounds made-up to me. Well having just taken precious time from my busy porn day to go on Wikipedia, I can tell you it's a term primarily applied to animals, as in creatures that may fling their shit at one another or be down to fuck in a tree, and yet, somewhat curiously, is also applied humans, as in creatures that have a cerebral cortex and are capable of performing more complex operations, such as typing a blog post while subscribing to furry porn, and are capable of formulating abstract concepts, such as the concept of an alpha male. I can also tell you that "alpha" is German for "anus."

Well worth the $6.95 a month

       In the animal kingdom, an anus male is simply the male with highest rank. He gets to have sex with whoever he wants and he always gets to eat the yummiest piece of the carcass. But what constitutes an anus male among humans is a little less clear, and by a little I mean a lot. The most powerful, highest ranking man in the world is Barack Obama, and he is probably not what most would consider a prime example of an alpha male. I'm speculating here, but I am almost certain that more people would associate the term with someone like George Clooney, and he is nowhere near as powerful as Barack and has every STD, including LGV and chancroid. Again, I am speculating. But I would wager that still more people would associate the term "alpha male" with someone like Mike "The Situation" Douchanelli or whatever the fuck his name is, I am not about to waste twelve seconds of my life googling it--which just goes to show that we are clinically fucktarded as a society. And I'm sure that almost no one would consider Albert Einstein to be one, though his intellect was one of the most powerful forces of the 20th century, helping to usher in the nuclear age and doing all kinds of other shit I don't understand. Which is why I think most people's idea of an alpha male has more to do with rock hard abs and hair gel than anything else, which is why an alpha male is not something I particularly want to be. I could easily go on ranting for another 5,000 words or so, but you're probably just sitting there digitally stimulating your dog's asshole and wondering when I'm going to post some silly pictures already. Fine, I will, but don't sniff your finger. That's disgusting.

        Ultra-masculine film actor Vin Diesel is seen here getting his alpha on. You go girl. You've inspired me to start walking around with a carrot in my pants, so thank you for that.

       You don't necessarily need to have big muscles, or even be particularly handsome, to have a severe case of the alpha. Sometimes all you really need is a hat made from the fur of an alpha animal. And it doesn't hurt to have an alpha bitch and $300 million.

       Sometimes you just have to be on top of your game. Bitches love that.

       You might be two feet tall and weigh twenty-five pounds, but that doesn't mean you can't bench twice your own body weight. You know we on dat alpha shit.

        Alfalfa male is not really relevant to this. I just think it's fucked up that we live in a world where one of the Little Rascals died from being shot in the dick. I'm not joking, look.


       Sometimes an important part of being an alpha male is being an unfunny cuntface whose writing style has an obnoxious factor equal to one hundred Balkies.

This is Balki.

      Become the best at something. It doesn't matter what. Maybe your destiny is to be Fart Champion of the World. You will have to dethrone this guy.

       Use this skill for good and not evil. Fighting crime is a good place to start. The bad boy image will only take you where you want to go if it is tempered with a wholesome ethic.

       If you don't have any skills, you can always buy an ATV. Works every time. My friend Mr. Squirrel bought one of these bad boys and just a few weeks later he had squirrel chlamydia. In other words he became a winner. And so can you. You're welcome and enjoy your unlimited pussy.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance

       First of all, I want everyone to know I think endangered specieses are great and that we should definitely preserve them. That being said, I know I am not the only one who has wondered what platypus tastes like. I'm not sure if they're endangered or not, but they seem like they would be. I do however know for a fact that they fall into the category of Rare and Exotic Animals I Would Eat if Given the Chance.
       Imagine if you will a world where you can go to your local grocery store and pick up a nice juicy lemon pepper rotisserie platypus, or how about a half dozen platypus eggs? Wouldn't that be the shit? And there would be so many more strange and amazing victuals to choose from. This is what I dream, and if you dream it, you can be it. Just do it, as they say. And I intend to do just that.
       Impossible is nothing. Yoda said that. I would never eat Yoda because he is far too intelligent and wise, and also I don't think he would taste very good. But enough of my prattling on. Let's get this delicious show on the road!

       Ah, the manatee. So serene and majestic, amirite? Wrong. They're fucking douchebags. Don't tell me this fat Wilford Brimley-looking fuck doesn't taste like heaven. A manatee burger needs to get in my belly like yesterday. There's a reason they are also known as "sea cows." In the world of the future you will be able to go to the local butcher of your preference and say "I'll have a pound and a half of ground chuck, please--manatee, that is." As sure as this creature has the diabeetus it will be so.

       Sorry, Sonic, but your people would make a delectable snack. I would love nothing more than to dunk these little guys in some beer batter and fry them until golden brown. I like mine with barbecue sauce. Some of you may prefer horseradish. Either way I think we can all agree that hedgehogs can go fuck themselves.

       Let us not forget for even a moment that this asshole has been shilling his bullshit sugary cereal to our children since the 60's, and is to some degree responsible for the obesity epidemic. Well it turns out that toucan meat is remarkably lean, and at the same time has a delightfully sweet citric undertone to its flavor, because fruit is what this fruitcake primarily eats. So think of this as the toucan's way of making amends.

      For some reason I just want to Gramatica this little bastard. I don't think I'm alone here. It just seems to be trying way too hard to be cute.  How the fuck did it ever survive in the wild? Seems like practically anything could completely own it. Seriously, Wikipedia doesn't explain this, so if anyone knows please tell me. I'm thinking maybe it shoots laser beams out of its eyes or something. It's a chinchilla, by the way.

        This is the proper way to take down a vintage grandmother. They are prized for their robust meat and for their lovely plaid evening wear. Inb4 this GIF is old.

       Sugar glider. Place in a greased pan and bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Enjoy your Meat Roll-Up.

       You can't honestly tell me you wouldn't love to wipe that smug, shit-eating grin off this dickhead of an aquatic salamander's face. It's called and axolotl and it immigrated here illegally from Mexico. These freaky little fucks can regenerate limbs, and like to get their fuck on while they're still in the larval state. This makes for a lot of unwanted pregnancies, and they sometimes appear on Maury Povich to contest the paternity. I'll check y'all later I'm hungry as shit now.