Image Macros

 
        Oh, hi there. Welcome to my happy hole. That's what I call my blog silly. Why, what did you think I meant? Oh my dear heavens no, you are such a silly goose. No. I call that my passion pit.
        Today we are going to talk about image macros, but knowing you you are far too lazy and unattractive to bother clicking on the link, so I'll just tell you it's a picture with superimposed text, i.e. what you are looking at, you disgusting, indolent swine.
        Some things that are funny today will not be funny, say, a hundred years from now. I predict that in a hundred years the cast of Jersey Shore will be the subject of anthropological study, so Snooki and her gaper will have become academic and thus completely unfunny. I also predict that death will no longer be funny because they will be able to store people's souls on flash drives and we will all be effectively immortal. But image macros will never stop being funny, ever. And until they figure out this whole soul storage deal we will all be sent straight to Hell, where we will be forced to watch King of Queens.
        As the article you didn't bother to read insinuated, image macros have been around for over 9000 years. Things like the Hindenburg disaster and Idi Amin happened at least 100 years ago, and would be lucky to still be funny a decade from now. On second thought Idi Amin will always be funny. Especially if they start making image macros of him.

        Once when I was trapped in a Chilean mine for 69 days I had a lot of time to reflect on shit, and that was when it occurred to me that image macros are a form of narrative. They tell a story, and the possibilities are endless as to what kind of story they will tell. Often the story is completely different from what the picture alone says. For example, without the text this picture would probably say to you something to the effect of, "Hi, my name is Relapse-a-Trey. I just played the same few notes for 73 hours straight and I gotta tell ya I am bored as fucking tits up here!"

Relapse-a-Trey. If you get this I just lost a lot of respect for you

        But when it is transmogrified into a macro we learn that the little ginger boy in the picture has just had a mind-bottling orgasm, probably brought on by the sheer virtuosity of his own sucking, and it turns out to be a happy story rather than a sad or at least frustrating one.
        I would say that image macros are probably my favorite thing ever, other than sex, ninjas, and ninja pornography, and this one time at Great Woods when they played a sixty-minute "Runaway Jim" with "Twist" teases at the thirty-eight-minute mark. I'm not gonna lie and say I don't have some Phish shows on my iPod, but I also have DeBarge so so much for my credibility. Buenos dias putas. Merci beaucoup.

        
        
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Internet Memes

        Hi, and welcome back to Appellate Sky, the blog that may very well save the entire blogosphere from a gruesome death at the hands of the Blogradytes. You're welcome bitches. You might notice that since my last post I have changed templates, like a boss, for that is the manner in which I do most everything. Do not be alarmed. It's still the same blog it was when I started it 8 days ago. I wouldn't have been able to keep the six of you (two of which are my immediate family) reading this long if I kept changing it around all higgledy-piggledy, or if I was throwing in gimmicks all jumbledy-wumbledy.
        Many of you have, in my imagination, asked what inspired me to start a blog in the first place. Some have speculated that I have a political agenda. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have no interest in putting my political leanings on the innuhnet, and furthermore I'll have you know that who I vote for IS NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, though I have no valid reason for this other than I like yelling.
        I do, however, have and interest in space aliens, and I believe that when the floods of 2012 come they will first of all be floods of Nantucket Nectar, which won't be so bad, and secondly I believe they will be alien-induced. I don't really feel like I owe you an explanation for this.

   Just know that the leader of the space invaders will be OBABO, PRESISERP OF UNITINU, for the aliens will have a language which is heavy on palindromes. He will look like this, and he will be a cool-ass motherfucker.

OBABO, PRESISERP OF UNITINU

        OBABO will be copied and pasted all over the hypernets until he becomes an intranerdz meme. The first thing you need to know about memes is that they rhyme with teams, not games or gems. The term was coined by a scientist (the kind that be lyin', and gettin' me pissed) named Richard Dawkins in the 70's. Dawkins is best known for penning perhaps the greatest intellectual wank-fest of the last decade, The God Delusion, but it is worth noting that he has also done legitimate and respected work in the field of science.

Hello, I am so smart that I am legally retarded.

        Memes are units of cultural information, such as melodies or catch-phrases, which according to meme-theory evolve through the process of natural selection. Memes on the megatubes are inside jokes that a large number of infobahn users are in on. One of my personal favorites is "I accidentally..." This meme was born on May 19th, 2008 when an anonymous person posted on an intersphere image board the following:

                                                     hey /b/ I need your help
                                                     I accidentally 93MB of .rar files
                                                    what should I do…is this dangerous ?

        Of course this begged the question, "Accidentally what?," the answer to which would be "93MB of .rar files." The fact that the poster was wondering if it was "dangerous" leaves even more to the imagination than does the absence of a verb. The element of mystery, and the fact that it was a useful tool for trolls, caused "I accidentally..." to spread like wildfire, thus attaining meme status, and soon people were accidentally everything from coke bottles to fleshlights to the economy to $11.95. The great thing about this meme is that you can accidentally anything.
      Another classic is "Divide By Zero." The thing about dividing by zero is that conventional wisdom tells us it can't be done. However, in recent years, an international network of nerds communicating through a series of tubes has called this belief into question. Today there is a strong contingent of individuals surfing the tube-o-sphere who believe that division by zero is in fact possible, but that if you were ever to do it something incredibly bad would happen. That could be anything from the End of Days to the sum of all human experience suddenly becoming like a neverending episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Others theorize that if one were to divide by zero one would create a time paradox which would cause one to go back in time and not divide by zero. But to most this school of thought is considered unrealistically sanguine.
        The bottom line and overriding point that I would like you to take away from this entire blog entry is that YOU SHOULD NEVER FUCKING DIVIDE BY ZERO, EVER. Think about the children. Are you really so selfish and rebellious that you feel the need to thwart over 80,000 years of science just to feel good about yourself, with full knowledge that you could in fact be jeopardizing innocent babies? Think about it. Here are some links to other memes for you to review after you're done thinking long and hard about that.

I'm in your base killing your d00ds        DO NOT WANT

When you see it...      I'm an Anteater!!!      Diabeetus      I see what you did there      Do a Barrel Roll!

Chuck Norris Facts      Yo Dawg      Leprechaun      Om Nom Nom Nom

 

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