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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Same-Sex Marriage and its Inherent Gayness






       A few of you may recall that a while back I posted the elegant and rather understated opinion piece "You Would Know I Wasn't Gay If I Was Balls Deep In Your Ass." Well I mention that only because I have this massive complex where I am terrified of repeating myself and don't want to do it ever, and do not want so much as one person to even perceive that I have done that. So if anyone reading this starts to feel like they might be on the verge of perceiving that I am repeating myself, please do me a huge favor and shoot yourself in the head.




       So now that it has been established that I am definitely not repeating myself, I would like to extend my warmest gratitude to you all, and to anyone who has ever taken the time out of their precious day to view this high quality free material that I have slaved for untold hours over. Thank you all so fucking much for doing me that monumental favor; your largesse is almost embarrassing and I am entirely unworthy. I love you all very much and would hereby like to ask for your figurative hands in marriage, because if gay people are allowed to get married then all bets are off, right? So why don't we all just get married electronically, even though we live in various countries and have never met in person, and for all you know I eat nothing but baloney and don't even go to church?  I mean why don't I just marry a dead person or a chair, or Vaudeville or a sponge, or General Motors or Monticello, New York? Or better yet, why don't I marry an abstract idea? Like say I'm in love with the sanctity of marriage. Who's to say we can't just run off to Vegas and get hitched, and proceed to have hideously nebulous children together?


Pee Wee Herman gets it. Why don't you?

       Because everyone knows that aside from this whole homo fiasco, marriage is exactly the same as it has always been. Just ask my twelve-year-old impregnated wife whom I acquired for a dowry of three and half goats. It's exactly the same as it was in the Bible.


"A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin.
If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed."
Deuteronomy: 22:13-21


       Oh snap, wait. That wasn't the right quote. But why don't all you sanctity haterz try this one on for size?


"And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover
her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain
of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people."
Leviticus 20:18


       Woaahhh, what the FUCK DUDE?!?!  That definitely wasn't the one I was looking for. It's the one about how if a man lies with another man it's an abomination, and it's definitely valid seeing as it came from the Bible.





       Though I suppose it's worth mentioning that the Bible does not actually say it's an abomination. The King James translation of the Bible says that. The original Hebrew word is toevah, which actually means something more along the lines of "taboo," as in "this is something that other tribes may do but we the tribe of Levi do not do," and it's important to remember that we are talking about fucking tribes here. This was thousands of motherfucking years ago people. But apparently "taboo" wasn't enough of a bitchin' invective to go in the book named after the guy who supervised the torture of suspected witches.






       So clearly the problem is that they are trying to change marriage, and not that some people are unwilling to adapt. And really, why should people let go of their centuries-old Byzantine system of beliefs because these characters who have been gay for at the most 60 or 70 years all of a sudden want rights? I don't even understand why they chose to be gay in the first place. As a man myself I find the idea of sucking a penis to be disgusting, so I don't really get why they would want to go and do that.


       

       Oh yeah, I remember now, it's because of Original Sin. It's sort of like how when I'm feeling sinful I eat a chicken salad sandwich. You may not know this about me, but I really don't care for chicken salad. It's not appealing to me and it never has been, but when I get to living in sin I just can't fucking help myself.




       I have noticed that opposition to same-sex marriage, aside from being not at all related to homophobia and rather related to family values and such, also seems to be strongest in countries where more of these traditional types of values are present. Countries like Malawi. It was there that two gay men were sentenced to 14 years in prison after they proclaimed their love for each other in a public engagement ceremony. Later they were pardoned due to international pressure, but it is worth noting that a country that would bust out colonial-era sodomy laws to put two people who dared to be openly in love to more than a decade of hard labor, is also the kind of country that still has female circumcision; a country where, as of 2004, an estimated 37 percent of girls between the ages of 15 and 19 were married, divorced or widowed; a country where domestic violence is largely permitted, and there is no legislation against spousal rape. You know, traditional family values type shit.
       And on the flip side of the coin, in havens for sexually deviant Marxists and anti-liberty gun-hating abortion doctors such as Canada, Britain, Germany, France, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Ireland, Luxembourg, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland and Portugal, same-sex marriage is legal.




       And since I'm just so crazy and backwards that I don't want to see my children grow up in a gay-run totalitarian police state, I should like to now formally protest this nonsense. I will do it the best way I know how, by posting some pictures of same-sex couples and putting devastatingly damning captions beneath.




       "Hi, we want to be treated as equals, even if it means that the very sanctity of marriage as we know it will shatter, letting in harmful UV rays to give everyone cancer and destroy mankind. So let us marry all your cats please. Kthxbai."




       "Hi, we are dykes watching dykes riding bikes that we like. Ask us if we give a good goddam about your candyass civilization unraveling."




       "Never mind us, we're just creeping into the psyches of your children and hastening the extinction of your species."




       "Oh hi, we just recruited twelve new people into our militant lesbian book club. Our selection for this week is Mein Kampf and we'll be discussing themes of self-discovery. Feel free to drop in!"




Oh shit, wrong picture.









97 comments:

  1. But homosexuals are gay! :P Facebook Twitter

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  2. Laughing at My 2 Pesos. Nicely written, Elliot! FYI, that bush baby jerking off is going to haunt my dreams. Kudos.

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  3. Awesome post. Did you ever listen to "Sex with ducks" by Garfunkel and Oates? Greaat song it.

    Also, this makes me think of a sign I saw recently (on someecards maybe): "If you're against homosexuality, blame straight parents. They're the ones who keep having GAY BABIES."

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  4. this'll be a non-issue within the next century...

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  5. we can only hope that this will be an non-issue jay. I think the trouble is that identity is tied up in sexuality.

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  6. This is a nice post. ;)

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  7. Well, it wasn't a very romantic proposal, but o.k. I accept.

    Love,
    Lola

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  8. I agree exactly with whatever the hell position on gay marriage you are advocating here.

    That is, unless you aren't actually advocating any position here. I might have to go back and read it again...

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  9. Gee, that selection from Leviticus is kinda hot. Too bad it doesn't come with pictures.
    As far as Kermit the Frog. It's OBVIOUS he's not human. Any human with a fist up his ass would not be smiling.
    Well, maybe not ANY human.
    But, I guarantee you THIS human wouldn't be smiling.
    Seriously, though, does Leviticus come with pictures?

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  10. The Old Testament is terrifying if you take all the laws and regulations seriously. Torture porn galore.

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  11. Proposal accepted ! Lol
    The pix of the youngest gay couple is rather disturbing.

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  12. Haha. The Old Testament is good as a comedy book.

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  13. Leave it to you to find something unbelievably disturbing in the Bible. Then again, the entire Old Testament is a horror film.

    A proposal? For me? You really shouldn't have! Seriously.

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  14. I read the first part and was actually thinking that I had finally found someone who was prepared to marry me despite the mentalpause.

    Then I read the first quote and realised that would in fact mean I would be stoned.
    And not in the way I like.

    The rest just confused me - especially that first 'same sex' couple, as I can't actually work out what sex they are supposed to be ?

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  15. This might be a non-issue in the future but we probably won't be any better at not murdering each other in the next century.

    We did a great job in abolishing slavery and now it's not cool to be racist but I really don't think that people are very much different. It's just laws that have changed. We have now made it a requirement to feel a certain way about issues because it's so politically incorrect to believe the same thing that was believed yesterday.

    All I really mean is that sometimes change is good and sometimes it doesn't get people what they want. In 100 years no one will understand what the big deal was, but does it mean that we're an improvement upon our ancestors necessarily?

    I hate to cause arguments but it's just hard to me to jump onto bandwagons, especially when I prefer my new fuel efficient hybrid. Just because it's better than last year's model doesn't make it more green than the horse that they all replaced. But weren't those horse riding cowboys also shooting Indians just because they were 'red'?

    Everyone needs to have very good reasons for everything they say and do; we might be more tolerant but could we be less something else? Progress is our concern but where are we headed?

    That's what comes out of my head when I read this, and I don't get to put it all out onto paper every day. Another thoughtful, entertaining read, and boy did it get my argumentative brain juices flowing.

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  16. Gay marriage is the right way to go, anyway by the next century it'll be legalised even if you like it or not :-).

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  17. I completely agree but I could never say it as good as you did. Great post.

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  18. @My 2 Pesos, you just fellated my mind with that shocking revelation.
    @Kimberly, thanks, and sleep well...mwahahaha
    @Gia, thank you. I have now, thanks for that, posted it on facebook. I have seen the someecards thing of which you speak. I also think it's amusing how certain homophobic fathers who don't realize it's genetic seem to think that any little thing can turn a boy gay. I have some personal experience with this as my girlfriend's ex-husband and father of her kids happens to be one of these fucking retards. "Did you have to get him a pink shirt?" and that kind of thing.
    @Lot's Wife, I'm proud of ole Doogie.
    @Jay, I totally agree.
    @Sybil, it ain't gonna be anything fancy seeing as I'll have to get several hundred of them.
    @Convictus, agreed but I think Jay is probably right. We are rapidly evolving.
    @Interwebs Fails, it should be, I worked my dick off on it. Work a little harder on your comment next time.
    @LOLA, well that isn't a very romantic acceptance either. I still love you and you should be receiving your plastic shower curtain ring in the next 5-7 days.
    @KatyDid, just to be absolutely clear I am one hundred percent in SUPPORT of gay marriage, and hope that I will live to see society view it as simply "marriage."
    @Al Penwasser, I wouldn't be smiling either but some humans would I think. Regardless I'm willing to make an exception for Kermit. Give the guy a break, it's not easy being green. I believe it was Bill Hicks who suggested there be centerfolds in the Old Testament.
    @Sub-Radar-Mike, why do you think certain pages of my Bible are stuck together?
    @Jaya J, thank you madam, expect your plastic shower ring in the mail. Please allow 5-7 days. Those are actors from The Neverending Story. I highly recommend that movie if you haven't seen it. One of my all-time favorites.
    @Nicky, nor am I, though mullets are a scourge.
    @Crisalys, yes, and I believe there's also some good fap material in there.
    @Anna, I FULLY RETRACT MY PROPOSAL TO YOU
    @Wine and Words, glad you enjoyed it. I'll give you my balls if I can have your breasts.
    @dirtycowgirl, if you were seriously confused that bums me out, but I have a feeling that by "confused" you meant "sexually aroused." At least you live in an evolved country and if you fall in love with someone you can marry them regardless of what sex they are. However I was serious and you will be receiving a plastic shower ring in the mail. Since you are out of the country please allow 14 business days.
    @Andrew, hey man! Haven't talked to you in a while. I'm afraid your first statement has the deafening ring of truth to it, but I still believe that one day we will grow out of all that. I really do. To answer your third paragraph, yes, I think it does, and there are a bunch of other reasons why we are better than them. Less misogyny comes to mind. I deeply appreciate you leaving that thoughtful comment, and I'm thrilled to see you're still reading. You are a man of your word.
    @Windsmoke, I like it! I hope that was clear enough.
    @traci's mixed bag, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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  19. the best part about people being gay is less kids being born and more kids able to be adopted.

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  20. I laughed at just about everyone of these. keep it up!

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  21. How can you make something that is just so wrong, feel so right?

    Somewhere in the middle of this I almost married my computer, who is also male.
    Your propaganda is working...Weather I like it or not.

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  22. I hung out with lesbians all weekend.

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  23. Elliot, sorry I haven't been more able to keep up with your posts. It's just funny that I disagree but laughed quite a bit at your post. Thanks for your response and I do agree about the misogeny part, for sure.

    Now I've got a load of work to do to live up to all I just preached about. It's posts like these that always remind me of what I believe but make me worry about how to disagree and love others just the same. It doesn't seem like a difficult task but it's more like exercise in that way... We all know we need to, but most of us end up dying from obesity while reading nutrition manuals and eating organic foods. Hah.

    Thanks, Elliot.

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  24. Uh, I believe its spelled "Bologna".

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  25. Great post. it's truly asinine the things that people will fight over. Slaves can't be free, women can't vote, etc. As a people we are so flawed and scared of change.

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  26. Nebulous children are the best kind. They make WAY less noise than the regular ones.

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  27. This is a great post. (:

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  28. more smart ass, yet oh so wise words. good stuff.

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  29. When we get married can I still eat bacon even though you eat bologna? If yes, simply send me a notice of marriage and I'm in.

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  30. @terminal phillness, this is America, pal. Love it or leave it.
    @in bed with married women, and yet somehow you knew EXACTLY what to say.
    @flip, well we're going to find out. Baby is due next mwufldsdsafdulfrp
    @Interwebs Fails, that's a little more like it
    @Angie, I believe in a world where bacon and baloney can coexist peacefully.

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  31. surely its a sign that the end of the world will happen in 2012...

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  32. @R, I find your succinct comment and name to be rather endearing.
    @danjor21, wait are you saying that I made the world take a shit or that I took the shit for the world to flush? And isn't flushing usually the last part of the process?
    @Kid Shuffle, I disagree. I think we should all have as many babies as possible, and collect them in all shapes and sizes and colors, sort of like Cabbage Patch Kids.
    @Chip, I'm afraid I can't continue your laughing for you. That's the part where you come in.
    @Jaaybs, good luck fitting your genitals in the USB drive and careful you don't get electrocuted.
    @Heaven, don't let them convert you.
    @Andrew, I totally agree and find your disagreement to be perfectly agreeable.
    @Michael, I know but this is different because Santa Claus told me that gay sex is wrong.
    @T. Roger Thomas, thank you my friend. Your opinion is valued, and that has nothing to do with the fact that it's usually favorable.
    @jerzey72, I am less afraid of the zombie apocalypse and more afraid of the Liberacalypse.
    @MRanthrope, thank you old friend. In internet time we have been friends for two decades.
    @Barbara, thank you, muhlady.
    @Generally Disgruntled, and neither could the script writers. Okay truth be told I fucking love that movie.
    @G, that is the year of the aforementioned Armagaydon.

    If I missed anyone I apologize. My extreme popularity coupled with being incredibly busy fighting crime caused me to be slightly less than perfect, and I do stress slightly.

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  33. What s/he said.

    My opinion (which is the only one that matters!! to me anyway)

    Your business is YOUR business. If I don't agree with you eating baloney/bologna- then I'll leave the room.

    People are too concerned with what the others are doing!!

    Sorry I have been remiss in reading--- life's been busy here in the ol' SC... :)

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  34. Hi Elliot. I have followed you back from my place - virtually speaking - and am blown away. Reads like a rant but sounds like you are channelling all the thoughts I and others have thunk.

    My opinion, if anyone cares, is that I don't give a rat's who gets married. They all find out the same things - 1. marriage is a full time job that doesn't pay and 2. Marriage is rarely for life. And who am I to pigeonhole people just because of the sexual acts they indulge in. How many heteros out there enjoy all forms of sexual intercourse, including anal and oral? Sanction people who murder, rape and molest. Sanction thieves and warmongers. Sanction politicians. But OMG there are bigger issues on this planet than a a same sex couple wanting to get married.

    Great post. I'll be back.

    cheers
    M

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  35. It's just not natural. Kind of like Cher's face and well Dick Clark.
    Have you ever tried to plug the male end of an extension cord into another male end of an extension cord (no not that end) you just don't get electricity. I just don't get it is all.

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  36. What's the joke about the opinion of straight married people?

    "Yes, let gay people marry. Why should they be any less miserable."

    Great post!

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  37. Now I feel the need to redo my wedding photos. With captions.

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  38. Whatever happened to Peewee Herman? Hmmm.

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  39. That McDonalds sign is hilarious.

    People should be allowed to be happy.

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  40. Hi. Thanks for coming over today. Sorry blogger was being ridiculous.
    As for your post...Have to say I giggled a few times through this, then laughed right out loud. I too feel the need to put captions under my wedding photos now. (No worries Im married to a man. :)

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  41. I would not want to marry a sponge

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  42. Love the post! Your wit and sarcasm are truly awesome.

    I support gay marriage equality as well - let everyone have the choice to be miserable!

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  43. In quite a fascinating & interesting way (with a few twists and turns and asides and whatnot) you’ve expressed the same opinion & beliefs I possess.
    I think.
    (So glad I live in Canada…)

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  44. I didn't think I would get through reading this post, but surprisingly you held me attention. You even made me laugh when I didn't want to, and you made me mad when I didn't want to. A good writer!

    I need to get you some soap to wash/watch your language (lol). It changed in the latter part.

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  45. for me i not agree for same sex marriage.

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  46. I married this cockatoo once and those bastards at the IRS wouldn't let me file a joint return. They said a chick marrying a chick is illegal, so I married a chair. I named him Albert.

    Thanks for the follow and the comment. I followed you back. I see the beginnings of a long and very strange relationship here.

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  47. Michael, for as romantic as your proposal is, I must politely refuse. I'm already married, so unless they also make polygamy legal, I could end up in jail and then WHO would torture my kids at Christmas? Even though they don't believe in Santa anymore, I STILL hide, disguise and make maps for their gifts, i.e. I make them WORK for those suckers! It’s only fair after all the sleepless nights of worry, puke, pee, poop and draining of my bank account, don’t ya think?

    P.S. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I will definitely be back to yours! LOVE your "humor"!

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  48. Shit, you are some real time serious blogger-man.

    Like Marlia, I followed you from my neck of the woods and shit, man, you made me think!

    Your quotes are just slightly more awesome than the furry creature whacking it.

    So, since I am a very smart blonde, I assume you condemn all gays.

    Did I get it right? Do I win?

    Just kidding.

    That Pope photo is also great.

    On a boring, semi-related note, when I posted about gay teen bullying and suicide, as well as gay marriage, I lost about 10% of my "followers". I'm kind of happy they left.

    StephanieC

    _

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  49. @karensomethingorother, I am one hundred percent in SUPPORT of gay marriage. This was intended as satire.

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  50. @Ryan, man don't just blatantly spam my shit, douche. I'm keeping your comment though because, hey, it's one more comment.

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  51. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed

    So that's how we can use our massive accumulation of firearms!

    But let's put all snarky comments aside, this is an awesome post. Hilarious but at the same time serious. Hilerious?

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  52. I will forever be grateful to you for following my blog because now I have found your blog. I love you.

    Was that too creepy?

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  53. If only everyone would be as "creepy" as that, Alli. Not at all, you just made my night.

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  54. the other day my 4yo daughter asked me if she could marry her girl friend. i told her, "sorry, baby, not in California." i love the sweetness of little children because they see people just as people and not all these labels and social prejudices that you learn and have to deal with as you grow up.

    spinning-threads.blogspot.com

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  55. Beautifully written. It's just a shame that it still needs to be said.

    I don't know about your neck of the woods, but a lot of racists and homophobes are coming out of the woodwork over here. I don't understand what has caused a re-birth of 1950's attitudes.

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  56. Great post. Guess that's why you get 71 comments. 72 with this one. Wait, Atraiu and the other kid from "Never Ending Story" were fuckin'? I missed that subtext.

    Also, that one couple is hard to call a "same sex" couple because I can't ascertain which sex either party is.

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  57. And I'm putting you on my blogroll. This will get you fours of new readers.

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  58. Wait, I'm back. I didn't notice the first time around that the lemur is having a wank. Also, I'll take a pass on that new anus pounder . . .

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  59. Awesome post dude, but be careful. Gays might print this out on their gay printers and use it to further their gay agenda! They might twist it all to make you look gay!

    http://muppetsforjustice.blogspot.com/

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  60. okay, you're going on my blogroll. I read this before, and I forgot to leave a comment, because I was distracted by the poem at the end, but now I'm back, and it was just as frighteningly entertaining the second time around.

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  61. Incredibly well said. If two people are in love and want to spend their lives together they should be able to get married...period. It doesn't matter if it's 2 men, 2 women, or a man and a woman; all that matters is they love each other.

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  62. Do you remember that guy who killed his dog in Florida because it started humping another male dog and therefore, because my dog is gay it must die?

    That guy is a rock star.

    Great post. Don't ever change.

    (that first sentence was meant; the second was facetious)

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  63. Well written. Very well said sir.

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  64. Hey there, wanted to say hi, but was then distracted by your very thought provoking post which then made me feel like I wasn't spending adequate time at your blog on my first time ever visit....and now I've made time to come back and say hello properly.

    Hi! Nice post! Each to their own is my motto, you know, just so long as you don't hurt anyone.

    And thanks for your visit to my blog.

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  65. Oh, very nicely done. A little sumpin sumpin for every kind of bigot... (you know... to call them out). I can think of a lot of people who need to read this, so I think I just may go make sure they do...

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  66. disgusting and funny but everyone has rights.
    keep it up

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  67. Wonderful post and wonderful blog. It made me laugh a lot even though it was serious yet sarcastic. My brother is gay and I love him with every fiber of my being and I support him and want him to be happy. I never had a problem with gay people before that and he always felt accepted when he came out. I feel bad for the people who can't safely come out and feel secure. This world is messed up when people hate each other based on something that has no effect on them in any way. Nice blog +follow!

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  68. Well said, my man. Hard to believe we live in such an enlightened age where this is still an issue. I think maybe human intelligence might have peaked.

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  69. If you have an issue with gay marriage, then don't get gay married.

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  70. Every year more people seem to be gay. Is this cause they feel more free to come out of the closet or cause the way sociaty is now with letting people be people instead of manly men or girly girls are people more free in there choices?! I think one day liking a specific gender will be like liking a specific hair style! One day everyone will be gay! Yay!

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  71. Great post...I am so glad to live in NY where it is legal!

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  72. Oh, forgot to say, thanks for visiting... I am following you back!

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  73. thanks for stopping by my tiny corner of the blogsphere. having been brought in a very strict religious setting, i get why people may have a hard time coming to terms with homesexuality, God, etc. However, it's through continued education and awareness, the majority will soon accept that 2 consenting adults have the right to happiness together regardless of orientation. ICLW#26

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  74. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  75. Well, gee, this is just so sudden! I mean, we just met & all, and I'm already maried, and really, I believe that THAT kind of marriage between opposite sexes is an unholy and unnatural abomination..... But what the hell. Let's do this thing! I will be requiring a laptop as an engagement present, just so you know.

    And The Neverending Story pic is inspired. Brilliant post.

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  76. Loved this post! I'm so glad I live in Toronto -- where gay marriage is legal.

    Thanks for following my blog! Count me in as a new follower.

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  77. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  78. Mind Blowing! This is a serious matter which is written by a witty blogger like you! I know you almost made a successful protest because I am at your side too! I value marriage, taboo must remain taboo, all people that know what is right and wrong must do what is right and set aside what is wrong. I value for the our next generation!

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  79. Elliot! have the nicest and the most pleasurable 2012. And stay blogging buddy.

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  80. Awesome post. I don't see the difference either.

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  81. Are you ever going to post anything new?

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  82. I bet Nursemyra just hasn't met the right sponge yet.

    Malawi sounds awesome! First-world countries are so passe. Electricity and equal rights are for pussies.

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  83. I support gays, please come follow my page :D

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  84. I should all you Mr Satire. Too bad some people need to look up that word.... Have a nice day.

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  85. You're just brilliant. Loved the post. Something about this post reminded me of the video 'In the butt' by this creepy little dude called Samwell. Do check it out if you haven't already :)

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