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Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Really Hard Art of Articulating Good


                                                     
                                   

       I have spent quite a bit of time throughout the course of my life reading fiction and dictionaries and periodicals and such in a humble effort to better comprehend our magnificent English language, and that is why I find it so dreadfully offensive when people are too retarded to use it properly. It fills me with an almost godlike rage when I reflect on all my beneficent and philanthropic efforts to educate these heathens, through my own superior writings and oratory endeavors, and their outright refusal to accept and genuflect to me as their linguistic master, so that they may have some small chance of growing a brain. It is without a doubt the greatest curse of my righteous yet humble existence.




       But at least I can find some solace in the fact that they will be doomed to living a nightmare of split infinitives, dangling participles, and a total inability to appreciate NPR. Moreover, I am convinced that when they die they will all go straight to Hell, where they will be forced to conjugate Latin verbs on an extremely squeaky chalkboard for the rest of eternity. And all they will be able to say at that point is that they would of learned proper English if they had known they were suppose to. And they will probably think to themselves now isn't this ironic, because they will still have no fucking clue what that word actually means.




       But what I really find to be an ironic coincidence is that a lot of you grammatically incorrect motherfuckers will be too lazy to even bother clicking on some of these images, even though it will be obvious that you are supposed to. I mean God forbid you are forced to burn one millionth of a calorie, and wait three whole seconds to be taken to my Photobucket account, which ironically is just like my grammatical prowess in that it has unlimited bandwidth and has been upgraded to Pro.




       You know what's really a thorn in my shit list is when the yearbook editor throw's a random apostrophe into my catchphrase and makes me seem even dumber than I am.




       Maybe the young lady wasn't interested in letting you "holla" because you yell too much. I mean every fourth word seems to be an orgasm with you. And your understanding of capitalization is dubious to say the least. What's especially troubling is that 14 out of 14 people found this garbled piece of misguided gobbledygook to be helpful. 




       This is an example of writing that is practically flawless. Don't even bother trying to question the greatness of this thing, for the words will slip right through your hands like a bar of peeny-scented soap. I guess that's what you get for trying to hold words in your hands, stupid.




       There's a big difference between representing cultural diversity and pandering to a specific community, CNN. You seem to be doing the second one and I think you best step the fuck off.




       The infamous facebook grammar Nazi is a figure often reviled but seldom praised. I wouldn't recommend this career path to any of you youngsters, as your work will almost certainly be underappreciated, and the pay is abysmal. But the satisfaction derived from letting someone from the canaille know just how stupid they are, and wiping that imbecilic grin off their face even if only for a second, is to some of us worth all of the blood, sweat, and tears.




       I can tell our friend Roanald is a gentleman and a scholar because your average dumbass would look at the word "toupe" and think that it rhymes with "poop." These are the same fucktards that go around pronouncing "meme" as "maymay."




       Sometimes it's best to take the Hemingway approach and get straight to the point. If it works for you, you may wish to prolong the endeavor, in which case I recommend you think of Gertrude Stein.



My neurons are suicide bombing each other.
   


R.I.P. My Heterosexuality



Miracles everywhere in this bitch.







85 comments:

  1. now that was sad and awesome at the same time.

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  2. haha...awesome. :D

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  3. Man, you should be starring in a TV show! And please excuse my poor grammar :D

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  4. Entertaining and informative, hope Roanald got the job. "maymay" lol..

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  5. So well said, and written. ;)

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  6. Sometimes being a paid up member of the facebook grammar police is my reason to live.

    Don't take that away from me.

    ps I have just spent 30 minutes that I'm never getting back looking at your album. You owe me.

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  7. Pictures good.
    But then words. Words...

    I defy the rules of grammar all of the time on my page. I do it purposely. Colloquialisms are fun.
    Still, I probably would not do it if it was something that could become my public face.

    On another note, I'd like to point out to dirtycowgirl (above) that because of turning back the clocks, you've still got an extra half hour, despite the photo album!
    Now, I have to go check out that photo album...

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  8. yo just becuz SUM peeple havent' learnt engish like you deosnt' meen your better than them yo. and Ronald totaly shood got that job cuz hez the shit and were very happy togher.

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  9. You are an entertainment guru.
    Nice presentation.
    Keep up you world of fun ELLIOT!

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  10. hah that watch is awesome

    tariq mian already said what i supposed to say: u'r an entertainment guru!

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  11. As a card-carrying member of the grammar/spelling party national socialist party, our main party stance is that people, in general, are stupid.

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  12. I seen that its been way to long since you"re last post. I was all, "Whaaaaa?", and there this post is!


    Oh fuck it - I seriously can't stand trying to write like an asstard.
    As usual, an awesome post. I bow to you and your mastery of the English language.

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  13. I loved the CV haha

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  14. Being a grammar nazi may not pay well, but goddamn it's fun.

    Also, I'm REALLY disappointed that you only saved one page of The Petals Fall Twice, because it's Sunday and I have nothing better to do than read that.

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  15. where the hell have you been?! maybe you need a new watch ;-)

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  16. Texting language is the down fall and to me its a load of rubbish written by zombies or the brain dead :-).

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  17. ahaha those are some really funny pictures! I'm going to subscribe and support you!

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  18. "My neurons are suicide bombing each other." Hahahaha. Poor grammar is a major pet peeve of mine. I don't even know where to start with all of these pictures, except to compliment Daniel, wherever he might be. That ovary story on Facebook made me die a little inside.

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  19. this was the shit......bahahaha
    sorrt,could not resist!

    Loved it all :)

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  20. Man, you really lightened up my day. I loved all these pics but your caption "My neurons are suicide bombing each other." made me bust out laughing

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  21. Oh, Elliot. There is a small chance that I might have just fallen in love with you (or your post). Please do not check the punctuation on my site. Simply allow me to love you from afar.

    PS. I have stolen and shared your pictures with the links provided. You may now thank me. (insert random blog kisses here)

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  22. you sounds like the Darth Vader of language with a bit of Tupac influence here :p
    love it.

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  23. It just kept going. You thought you had seen the worst, and then.... it wasn't.

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  24. Nice post!! Great stuff. Keep it coming :) Following!

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  25. The first image is sooo true

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  26. Hummm..... I'd be interested on your take on this so called SMS Language.

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  27. Oh meme. My ignorant 14 year-old self pronounced it as "may-may" because I had no friends to torture me about it.

    Holla? I don't even know what that means.

    That extra apostrophe in "throw's". It almost killed me.

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  28. I followed you over from CakeBetch's blog, and I think I need more of you in my life.

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  29. Wow, I was so awed that I failed at English.

    What I meant to say before my brain scrambled was that I got to you from following a link at Cake Betch's blog. Ahem.

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  30. The resume was great. I wish someone had the guts to actually send in something like that.

    Amazing how you can cuss out the grammatically challenged so eloquently.

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  31. The cross eyed bear was delightful.

    As was the Grammar Nazi on FB. I want to be that guy, except I fucking hate FB.

    PS I actually clicked on a picture! Suck it, bitches!

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  32. Fine entertainment! New follower-

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  33. Confusious say: Squirrel sit on rock and crack nut. Man sit on crack and rock nut.

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  34. Elliot, Me need sex inside now please. Does inside mean she wants to fuck indoors so the mosquitoes don't bite her witta-bitty private parts? Or is something else implied here that I simply do not comprehend? Thank you for following WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME. I shall follow you. I suspect we are grammatical soul mates.

    Love,
    Lola

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  35. You know what I think is wrong with people's perception of grammar these days? They think poor grammar's gone senile again, and must want to discard her like they ditched the Oxford comma.

    I wish the dumbing down of our society was limited to just grammar. But unfortunately, as the holla lady pointed out, stupidity runs rampant in all walks of life. Such fun indeed!

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  36. Ahh, that was pretty funny!
    The bit that literally made me GOL (Guffaw Out Loud) was the Oscar Gamble quote.

    They is what it are. That shit be just like it do be, Brothers!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  37. english is difficuult ;p

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  38. That face-book troll was epic. Also, that cat comment was impressive.

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  39. You listed Harold and Maude under your movies, that's fucking great. Your blog makes me self- conscience about my spelling and grammar, while at the same time being the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. Great job. :) Have a wonderful weekend.

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  40. Great post!
    Nice blog.
    +Follow

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  41. Nicely crafted. I am genuflecting as I type this.

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  42. I hat wen peeple dont ever try to use propor grammer and speeling. It drives me nuts! Get an education fucktards!

    Using words and the english language can clarify to a lot of people just what you really mean.

    Hey, look over their! He's got you're grammar book. Better ketchup to him and get it back!

    Even more annoying is when they speak in text form. Texting and twitter are killing the English language!

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  43. Wow! This is really large post ;)
    Thank you so much for stopping on my blog :)

    xoxo

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  44. That was hilarious.
    Where the heck do you find that material?

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  45. Wow. Where was that watch when I was dating. It would have just been a matter of pointing to my wrist, and in my best Flava Flave voice saying, "You know what time it is."

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  46. I lol'ed all the way though that, great post title.

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  47. Hahaha. Excuse me, I need to help some cats get stoned.

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  48. LMAO! I couldn't tell if you were serious half of the time. Loved the resume the most probably, somebody better go and hire that guy xD

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  49. I need you and Daniel to help me grade essays.

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  50. lol, pretty great. That last one was the only one I had seen before.

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  51. haha thanks for youur comment ;p
    i speak norwegian dutch english german and a littleee bit of spanish, but i can also understand moost of swedish and danish because its very similar to norwegian.
    go meee! haha ;p

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  52. Thank u 4 r comment and i follow u 2... r blog is very funny!

    kisses from Buenos Aires,

    www.lolianders.com

    @lolianders

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  53. One of the funniest things I've read all week!

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  54. thanks for your visit, follow you to :)))

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  55. Many excellent and funny points, Elliot! Thanks for visiting Polonica: Home Again.

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  56. I was a bit intimidated about leaving a comment, knowing that it will be analyzed under a very powerful, and intense grammatical microscope ...but here is one anyway. I loved the Alanis Morissette meme. I suppose the reference will be lost on some of your younger readers, but that is their loss then isn't it.

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  57. I wonder how much money has been wasted on misused apostrophes alone, you know, like, during the entire history of the English language, yo.

    Really. I bet if you took away all of the neon, plastic, magic marker, chalk, concrete, and whatnot that has been used in unnecessary apostrophes, I bet the financial crisis would not have happened.

    And hell is too good for them, my friend.

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  58. My favourite way to demonstrate proper use of grammar and punctuation is with this sentence "I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse" and now "I helped my Uncle Jack, off a horse" nuff sed.

    Anyone who loves grammar is totally in with me!

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  59. Nice post and nice blog!n :-)

    thank you for dropping by my blog. I'm a new follower.

    Much love from Mystic Nymph.

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  60. I had a friend in college who majored in English. I remember him penning some particularly poetic line about his lady fair's silken tresses that went something like this, "her hair spilled across my palms like liquid gold."

    And I remember I had another friend (who died in a tragic crab boat accident off the coast of Alaska (apropos of nothing)) who was listening to this friendly reading with me and we looked at each other and started screaming, "ARRGGGHHH my hands!!! Your liquid gold hair is burning a hole in my fucking hands!!!!!"

    To be fair, we didn't totally "get" poetry.

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  61. This post is on my pet peeves. :)

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  62. Nice articles. I'm just blogwalking and very happy to stop here. And also give you some comment here.

    Dont forget to give us some your comment into my blog too.

    Thanks for share,
    * Rio Prasetyo *

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  63. I likewise think so , perfectly written post!

    From everything is canvas

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  64. Where to start? You find the funniest shit. But Roanald's resume takes the cake. Or wait, Time to Fuck is the best. And poem? I'm always a bit intimidated to reveal my interpretation so let's just say I dig it.

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  65. You are hilarious. Thank you for checking out my blog. I appreciate you.

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  66. As Malaysians would say...farnee lar yew!!

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  67. I can't imagine why you would come visit (let alone follow) my little blog, hundredth follower that you may be ... but I'm glad you did ... because holy SHIT, where have you been all of my blog life?! Thanks for helping me find you!

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  68. Thank you for the follow!

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