The Really Hard Art of Articulating Good

                                                     

                                   

       I have spent quite a bit of time throughout the course of my life reading fiction and dictionaries and periodicals and such in a humble effort to better comprehend our magnificent English language, and that is why I find it so dreadfully offensive when people are too retarded to use it properly. It fills me with an almost godlike rage when I reflect on all my beneficent and philanthropic efforts to educate these heathens, through my own superior writings and oratory endeavors, and their outright refusal to accept and genuflect to me as their linguistic master, so that they may have some small chance of growing a brain. It is without a doubt the greatest curse of my righteous yet humble existence.

       But at least I can find some solace in the fact that they will be doomed to living a nightmare of split infinitives, dangling participles, and a total inability to appreciate NPR. Moreover, I am convinced that when they die they will all go straight to Hell, where they will be forced to conjugate Latin verbs on an extremely squeaky chalkboard for the rest of eternity. And all they will be able to say at that point is that they would of learned proper English if they had known they were suppose to. And they will probably think to themselves now isn't this ironic, because they will still have no fucking clue what that word actually means.

       But what I really find to be an ironic coincidence is that a lot of you grammatically incorrect motherfuckers will be too lazy to even bother clicking on some of these images, even though it will be obvious that you are supposed to. I mean God forbid you are forced to burn one millionth of a calorie, and wait three whole seconds to be taken to my Photobucket account, which ironically is just like my grammatical prowess in that it has unlimited bandwidth and has been upgraded to Pro.

       You know what's really a thorn in my shit list is when the yearbook editor throw's a random apostrophe into my catchphrase and makes me seem even dumber than I am.

       Maybe the young lady wasn't interested in letting you "holla" because you yell too much. I mean every fourth word seems to be an orgasm with you. And your understanding of capitalization is dubious to say the least. What's especially troubling is that 14 out of 14 people found this garbled piece of misguided gobbledygook to be helpful. 

       This is an example of writing that is practically flawless. Don't even bother trying to question the greatness of this thing, for the words will slip right through your hands like a bar of peeny-scented soap. I guess that's what you get for trying to hold words in your hands, stupid.

       There's a big difference between representing cultural diversity and pandering to a specific community, CNN. You seem to be doing the second one and I think you best step the fuck off.

       The infamous facebook grammar Nazi is a figure often reviled but seldom praised. I wouldn't recommend this career path to any of you youngsters, as your work will almost certainly be underappreciated, and the pay is abysmal. But the satisfaction derived from letting someone from the canaille know just how stupid they are, and wiping that imbecilic grin off their face even if only for a second, is to some of us worth all of the blood, sweat, and tears.

       I can tell our friend Roanald is a gentleman and a scholar because your average dumbass would look at the word "toupe" and think that it rhymes with "poop." These are the same fucktards that go around pronouncing "meme" as "maymay."

       Sometimes it's best to take the Hemingway approach and get straight to the point. If it works for you, you may wish to prolong the endeavor, in which case I recommend you think of Gertrude Stein.

My neurons are suicide bombing each other.

   

R.I.P. My Heterosexuality

Miracles everywhere in this bitch.

poem.

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