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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oscar Mayer For President: Bologna 2012

                   
                                              
Mitt Romney would like to cordially invite you, the flea-ridden, syphilitic rabble to a kick-ass party at his vacation home. Figuratively speaking, of course.


       As we hunker down and enter into the super-serious phase of this year's spellbinding Republican primaries, I am filled with the giddiness of a hundred giggling geisha girls, because I simply cannot wait to see who will emerge as the gallant victor (the one tin soldier who rides away, if you will), and who will be reduced to a mere fluffer for him in the big race, in which the heretofore unnamed knight in shining armor has a very real chance of coming out on top, since the aforementioned primaries they are having right out now are most assuredly not some kind of pointless tallest-dwarf contest.


Were this a fitting metaphor, which it is so completely not, Romney would be the one on the right.


       I can liken the unrestrained jubilation I will feel if the guy who I have a hunch is gonna win this thing does in fact prevail to when my favorite Toddlers and Tiaras contestant really puts on the ritz and nails her routine.



Here, the only inconsistency is that Romney's mother is dead.



       But that person will be bound to encounter some stiff competition from the likes of sitting President Barack Obama and overnight sensation General Joseph Kony.




       Though Kony may in fact be running for President of the World. I am not exactly clear on this and at my earliest convenience I will google it to make sure. But for the time being let's just assume that they are the two front-runners, or evil supervillains, if you will, while Romney is the hero that Gotham deserves. And let us not forget for a second that Mittens has spent years doing undercover work as a liberal, closing tax loopholes and providing near-universal healthcare and doing other communist shit, in the overwhelmingly treasonous state of Massholechusetts--all for the sake of learning exactly what makes these freedom-haters tick, and most likely at the behest of Lady Liberty Herself.




       So suffice it to say he knows the meaning of sacrifice. This is a guy who during the Vietnam War had the guts to speak out in favor of the draft, while other students at Stanford University were protesting against it, and then he had the temerity and backbone to abscond to Europe for 30 months to be a fucking Mormon missionary, in the incomprehensible squalor of places like Paris, and incidentally to get ministerial deferment while he was there, and then come back to the States and get another student deferment; and this is also a guy who then had the good luck to get a high number in the draft lottery, thus ensuring he would never serve a day in the actual war, and all this while his father just happened to be Governor of Michigan and then Secretary of Housing and Urban Development under über-patriot Richard Nixon. I mean this Mitt Romney fellow is practically jizzing red, white and blue.






       The great Governor Rick Perry may or may not have said that the candidate who prays the hardest will become the next president, and despite the fact that awhile back he held what could only be described as the Lollapalooza of praying and was subsequently eliminated from the race, I still think that statement is categorically true, and that anyone who doesn't believe in the awesome power of politically motivated prayer risks incurring God's wrath and triggering another one of His signature BP oil spills. And that's why I believe that Mitt Romney is our man. Indeed, Mitt Romney is a man who prays so feverishly that he makes MC Hammer look like Friedrich Nietzsche.






       And if Rick Perry ever decides to write a book on how to pray your way right into the highest of offices, he might want to include that you should first and foremost not have a hunting camp called "Niggerhead," because even if you are the Nancy Kerrigan of praying, it will turn out to be your Gillooly in the end. Except you will not go on to win an Olympic medal, I'm afraid.




       But I would say that Romney is more like Oksana Baiul, whom as you may recall brought home the gold that year. And nowhere is his champion spirit more abundantly apparent than in the rearing of his litter of five wonderful boys, who have all turned out to be so nightmarishly similar to him that it is almost as if they were a race of cyborgs spawned from his patriarchal prototype, and sent to Earth with the express purpose of inundating us with news of his greatness, and not merely his organic if antiseptically conceived crotch fruit.




       And certainly his glowing resplendence of character is evident in his prowess as a financier, which is also why he is so thoroughly qualified to save the horribly ailing economy, which is definitely not in a steady pattern of recovery, and most importantly to create jobs, which stuttering dickbeard Barack Obama is failing at so miserably that job seekers are just giving up and presumably going off to live in a cave somewhere and possibly becoming Islamic militants, and if you are not quite buying that steaming pile of shit, then he is still not doing it nearly fast enough. That's why we need the guy whose business model consisted of fucking companies in the ass with an opportunistic dildo and giving workers the shit-end instead of their pensions...intentionally causing the loss of thousands of jobs so that he could do things like buy a $12 million dollar beachfront home in California and tear it down so he could build another one four times as big. Seriously, fuck this guy and the horse he rode in on.


     
Mitt Romney's business model as CEO of Bain Capital





50 comments:

  1. A Massachusetts republican is more democrat than any other republican in the country. I voted for Santorum in Wisconsin's open Republican primary. Why you ask? Because he's delusional and funny as fuck. When in doubt, go with comedy. It ensures that the next 4 years are going to be golden. Also, you rule.

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  2. This is an awesomely funny post. As well as true...love it.

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  3. It was hard to tell if you where making fun of them at some points of this, but I'm tired and not following well.

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  4. Very humourous indeed. Mitt Romney is the popular choice down here in OZ with our political media :-).

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  5. Well y'all can have him. Maybe he could win down there, but he ain't winning shit here.

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  6. I always get a little happy in my pants when you post. YAY.

    Also, I agree wholeheartedly. Especially with the BP oil spill line. LOVE.

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    1. Suniverse basically wrote my comment for me. Love it. Brilliant as always.

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  7. This is incredibly funny! Satire at its best.

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  8. Romney is shite? I think I got the gist. I don't understand your system very well,but the numbers of ppl to appease,mindboggling,we are just on 23 milion total!!

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  9. I think he is shite. Sort of has a Montgomery Burns vibe, if that makes sense. But so often with us it comes down to the economy, and the fact of the matter is that the country now sees Obama as doing a pretty good job with it, so Romney's whole platform of "fixing" the economy is looking pretty paltry, especially when we are seeing a pretty unappealing picture of what kind of businessman he was/is.

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  10. Also, there is the issue of his mom jeans.

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  11. Where do you find all these fantastic little videos? That "Toddlers and Tiaras" mom is doing her damndest to live vicariously though her skinny and attractive daughter. You would think her priorities would be avoiding heart disease so she can live to see the daughter's junior high graduation, but whatever. Nail that talent competition!

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  12. I take it you’re not a big fan of Mitt’s? ;)

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  13. "The great Governor Rick Perry may or may not have said that the candidate who prays the hardest will become the next president" Oh god that line got me laughing haha.

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  14. You know, the fact that Romney would be the dwarf on the right would be enough for me to vote for him. If I was only American.

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  15. The Benny Hinn gif just gets more and more mesmerizing the more times I watch it.

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  16. At this moment, I have less faith in the government than usual. But politics just confuses me so...all I know is that this guy is an idiot.

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  17. Man, I do love your posts! I also happen to agree with them. Fuck Mitt Romney, indeed.
    That Toddlers and Tiaras gif is killing me! Hahaha
    Also - the mom jeans - frigging spectacular!

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  18. OMG! I am laughing hysterically! The issue of his mom's jeans should be thoroughly investigated, in my opinion. ha!

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  19. This robot was trained to fuck your mouth? LMAO!! Hilarious post. I'm back. Thanks for leaving the comment. One of the reasons why I decided to open my blogger account, finally. :)

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  20. OMG this was hysterical! You had me at "mom jeans" and I didn't stop laughing after that!

    Oh and if shit like that happens on every Toddlers and Tiaras show? I'm SO watching. That is some hilarious stuff.

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  21. Amazing post and very interesting stuff you got here! I definitely learned a lot from reading through some of your earlier posts as well and decided to drop a comment on this one!

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  22. That Toddlers and Tiaras gif is all kinds of wrong

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  23. Intersting, thank you for following my blog

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  24. Thanks for commenting on my blog, because now I found yours! As a retired lawyer/law prof, the title of this blog naturally caught my attention, but I'm going to check out your other blog as well. Can't wait to read more.

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  25. elliot! thanks for giving us laughters

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  26. ugh. this election scares me a bit...i def would not like to see romney in the white house as his lack of understanding of anyone making less than a quarter billion dollars is ridiculous...so i will chuckle through the tears on this one...smiles.

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  27. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. Mom jeans, business plan, ANN COULTER. For fuck's sake, this is awesome.

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  28. Laughing my ass off! Biting wit and the dog at the end...precious.

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  29. LOL laughed so hard. You have a fabulous blog! I’m an author and illustrator and I made some awards to give fellow bloggers whose sites I enjoy. I want to award you the Brilliant Writer Blog Award. There are no pass along requirements. This is just to reward you for all the hard work you do!

    Go to http://astorybookworld.blogspot.com/p/awards.html and pick up your award.
    ~Deirdra

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  30. Pink panther is in his place!

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  31. Hate the Pink panther it was worst cartoon ever when I was a kid

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  32. That is hilarious! I love that toddler in tiaras video. That totally cracked me up!

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  33. I think it's pretty cool that we are friends and agree on virtually NOTHING.

    Are Mormon moms allowed to comment here? Will I be tarred and feathered or have an extermination order issued by a descendant of Gov Boggs?

    I'll give it a whirl. (I don't wear mom jeans. Skinny jeans, usually. With cute boots or sandals. But I digress.)

    I love Romney and everything he stands for. He is clean.

    He does not make innappropriate jokes about his wife "going down all the way" when bantering with Ellen Degeneres. A clever, embarrassing double entendre for the whole world to devour. Wonderful. Our fearless leader jesting about oral sex in public. Lovely.

    In addition, I find powerful men in mom jeans to be sexy beyond reason. Meow. He'll bring them into fashion. You just WATCH! Abercrombie and Fitch will be selling them like hot cakes before you can say Pack Your Bags Obama.

    And Elliot, we are going to have to do SOMETHING about this potty mouth of yours. I have a good mind to wash it out with soap. :) Use your WORDS!

    You are very funny. And far too bright for your own good. I'll give ya that.

    I think you should convert to Mormonism. We could use a guy like you on our side.

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  34. Crystal, I saw the video and do not think that double entendre was intended. I think getting a double entendre from it is a stretch, and that he and his writers are far too astute to deliberately make such a joke in the USA, where the ghosts of Puritans still cast long shadows. But seeing as I do not believe in that Puritanical bullcrap and do not find sex to be dirty in the slightest (after all, it is how all 7 billion of us got here), I wouldn't have cared either way. And I'm sorry to break it to you, but Romney is going to be decimated.

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  35. Also, I absolutely love cursing, do not think there's anything wrong with it, and will never stop.

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  36. I don't find sex to be dirty either. I'm a fan, actually. I just think our leaders should represent us with class. I hope you're right that it was all a misunderstanding.

    I love Puritanical bullcrap. It is what this country was founded on. In God we trust, right?

    Truth: I say bad words too sometimes. Not like you do though. You're a professional. I admit I find relief in a choice word now and again. Words are powerful. Don't tell anyone. I would be ruined.

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  37. I think the joke was completely innocent and was merely about Michelle Obama cheating in a pushup contest (pulling a Scott Walker, if you will) with Ellen Degeneres. That is a comical image and that was the only one intended. To draw something more from it speaks to someone with a puerile mentality and poor sense for what is actually clever and funny or merely someone who is grasping at straws.

    This country was also founded on slavery. The ideas this country was founded on in the 18th century should not be sacrosanct because all that does is impede the evolution of our society. Puritan/Victorian thinking is outmoded, unhealthy and just plain stupid, and by no means are those kinds of ideas synonymous with trusting God.

    I think it's great that you curse and kind of a bummer that you are ashamed about it.

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  38. With so much super pac money pouring in we just may have to bend over and brace for the Romney dildo. Too many idiots fail to comprehend just what it is the dude in the executive office can do, for example, nominate supremes which results in such incredibly partisan rulings as Citizens United. Hilarious post and I can't stop laughing over the jacket swinging faith healer, or whatever the fuck his title is.

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  39. That's Benny Hinn, and God I hope you are wrong about that.

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  41. Irreverent, funny, interesting, and very entertaining. Thanks. Don't agree with you on some points but I couldn't stop grinning!

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  42. The Benny Hinn gif is one of those priceless gifts. Thank you.

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