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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Prying My Insurance Card From My Cold Dead Hands: My Totally Rational Opposition to Obamacare




       
       By now you have probably all heard the incredibly bad news about the Constitution being torn to ribbons and shat upon and then torn into smaller ribbons with shit on them by the so-called "justices" of the U.S. Supreme Court. At the risk of using some slight hyperbole, this decision has caused Lady Liberty to burst into flames, allowing tyranny to spread its malevolent bat wings and plunge our once-great nation into interminable, godless night, and is the worst ruling since they voted to uphold the Nineteenth Amendment. I'm sorry, what I meant to say was the Dred Scott Decision.



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I'm still incredulous about it.


       
       When I first heard the news that it had been stricken down I rejoiced, doing a sort of taunting chicken dance at the television and buh-gocking my little heart out, but moments later when I learned that through some sort of satanic trickery it had actually been upheld, my knees became weak and I collapsed to the floor, where I lay shocked and unresponsive for a number of hours.



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       When I finally arose from my patriotic stupor, I resolved to take meaningful action on the matter, so I immediately took to the internet to make sure people knew just how much I didn't approve of this business. I let my disapproval flow through me like a raging river, harnessing it like a force of nature, making numerous threats that I could never deliver on and breaking through walls of deadly socialism with my capitalist caps lock; catching many a liberal in outright treason and then helping them see just how lucky they were through my super-effective scare tactics. They fell like lemmings into my carefully laid traps, and after they had been exposed for the revolting chickenshit hypocrites they truly were, some of them stooped so low as to attack me personally. I vowed that I would not stand for such treason, and that if these fiendish abortions of policy did indeed take effect, I would move to some other industrialized country, one that does not believe in coddling the tired and poor whiners, the huddled losers yearning to breathe free of charge, with some kind of pinko foolhardy universal healthcare system. When they informed me that no such country exists, I laughed in their pathetic data-compiling faces, and swore to take up permanent residence on the moon.





       I felt much better once I had gotten that out of my system, so I went for a walk down to my local DMV, to get an idea of what going to the doctor would be like in the repressive dystopia of America's future. On my way there I reflected on what a shame it was that the government was systematically dismantling a health care system which, in spite of the fact that there are currently 48 countries with a lower infant mortality rate than us, 37 with a higher life expectancy, 41 with a lower child mortality rate, that half of our health care spending goes to treat 5% of the population, that lack of health insurance is associated with more than 40,000 deaths in the U.S. each year, that nearly two-thirds of our bankruptcy filings are due to illness or medical bills, that 23 countries have a higher healthy life expectancy, and that 36 countries are deemed by the World Health Organization to have overall better health care systems, was without question the best health care system in the history of the world. The fact that we spent the most money on healthcare was good enough for me, and any other true American.




   
       While passing through the once-great streets of my besieged American neighborhood, I came across a cheerful young patriot who in spite of the full weight of the perverse federal government trying to crush every remnant of her entrepreneurial spirit, had become the owner and operator of her own lemonade stand. Feeling a little parched from the rather strenuous exertion that is associated with loving the shit out of your fatherland, I decided to stop and have a cup. They were reasonably priced at only 1 USD, thanks to the fervent competition that comes with a free market economy, albeit a rapidly vanishing one. The lemonade was delicious and tasted of freedom, and as I conservatively sipped on it I chatted with my new acquaintance, who for the sake of this polemic I will call "Paula Revere," though there may be a few effete libtards among you who would prefer to think of her as "Gwendolyn Franklin." I asked young Paula what she was trying to raise money for, and she said she had cancer. She had been diagnosed a couple of months back, and the company through which she was already insured had informed her mommy and daddy that they were not able to cover her for the specific health problem of cancer, because there was evidence she was treated for diaper rash at 21 months. They had also determined that each night when her mommy would tuck her in and tell her to sleep tight and not let the bed bugs bite, that she would ignore this advice and would in fact allow the bed bugs to bite, thus putting her in a high risk group for the cancer she now had. But she totally understood where they were coming from with that, and did not expect to be let off the hook for her poor life decisions. I was so impressed that I tipped her an extra dollar.



       
       I continued on with a little more pep in my step through the suburbia of American dreams turned to nightmares, and as I passed underneath the not-so-freeway that runs over the intersection of Rockwell and Twain, casting shadows of uniformity and hopelessness where once there was gaiety and childlike faith, the rain began pouring down like bald eagle tears. I had forgotten to bring my umbrella with me and I refuse to wear a poncho for obvious reasons. So I fashioned a garment of impermeable sovereignty using only the righteousness of my pioneer virtues.


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       Only true patriots could see it, of course, and I found it most amusing to note the expressions on the faces of obvious comrades as I frolicked irregularly through the fearsome torrents with all the whimsical aplomb of a latter-day Fred Astaire. They were baffled by my maverick indifference to moisture and perturbed by my refusal to fall in with their insipid ranks, as they looked on from the safety and mediocrity of their hybrids.



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       They had good reason to be apprehensive of me; after all, I was their very worst nightmare. They couldn't contain me in their fuel-efficient coffins, nor could they entangle me with their spiderwebs of logic, nor could they ensnare me in the skewed booby-traps of their facts, nor could they control me with their thought control towers. I was that grassroots behemoth that wouldn't go away, that totally organic prairie wind of a movement that may very well be Old Glory's last hope, standing proudly with the backing of my billionaire overlords. In other words I was Johnny Appleseed to their Monsanto, but I was getting ready to mighty morph into Paul Bunyan and show them exactly what I was capable of.



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      Yes, it was pretty apparent that they were terrified of me, for they knew deep down that I was Keanu to their Matrix. I was the great menace to their Orwellian "progress," the biggest threat to their dehumanizing agenda, with the possible exception of Sarah Palin. Oh, how abundantly clear it was that when she was so much as mentioned they peed a little, because they were keenly aware of her ability to destroy them. Were she ever to run for president they would spontaneously combust, and they were probably thanking Science that she was too grassrootsy for that. I really hoped she would reconsider, and run with Justin Bieber in 2018.




       
       But for the moment that was merely a lucid hypothetical, and I had important business to tend to. In the very same way that Republicans in the House were liberally using the tax dollars of the people they represented to make a spectacle of their butthurt and impotent rage, so too did I need to make a statement on the matter, and consequences be damned, even if it meant directly infringing on other people's liberties. I was now approaching the Department of Motor Vehicles, and not surprisingly, there was a line out the door.  As I glowered in horror and disgust at that drab formation of fellow travelers, I vowed to tear through them like Montezuma's revenge. Each would be summarily dealt a wedgie or a noogie, or, for the particularly ugly ones, a combination of the two. But just as I was thinking that, I noticed I had a cough, of a rather alarming, wet variety that was possibly consistent with the early stages of pneumonia. Perhaps I should not have cavorted through that deluge after all, I thought. But then I remembered that I had health insurance, and was perfectly safe.





77 comments:

  1. Goddamnit! This makes me wanna quit cleaning my guns long enough to beat-off into my copy of the constitution!

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    1. I urge you to resist or at least have it laminated first.

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  2. Oh, you brilliant, brilliant writer, you. If I weren't so deeply disturbed by the realization that some people actually think like this, I would be laughing even harder.

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    1. Yes, I too am jealous of their noble freedoms and their bedrock of traditional family values which I cannot enjoy ever since I pledged allegiance to Chairman Mao.

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    2. Can I add that I'm really happy to see you posting here? I've missed your wit and clever satire. Also, I just realized you had a second blog. Following that now, too!

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    3. Thanks, they may be a lot less frequent that they used to be but the quality is...well, sadly, the quality is not any better.

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  3. Man, that Obama. Trying to tell me I gots the right to health care? Fuck That. I wanted health care, I'd a done have mah parent's be all rich and shit, cause then I'd deserve it. But I ain'ts good enough, so I ain'ts gonna get that insurance, which I don't need.

    On a serious note, I'm super pissed that the Governor of Wisconsin (my state) is not going to enact Obamacare. Fuck you Scott Walker. I can't afford paying almost 400 dollars a month for health insurance because I don't get offered it because I'm a temp. Eat a dick

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    1. The governor of my state, Bobby Jindal, is doing the same thing. I am fortunate enough to have insurance through my employer, but that does not make me any less sickened by it, especially since Louisiana is provably one of the states that need health care reform most. Also, Jindal is making steep cuts to Medicaid that will cause LSU's network of charity hospitals and clinics to lose a quarter of its budget, $316 million, which is going to cost lives. A few months ago he cut funding to a very good substance abuse treatment center and now it costs thousands of dollars to go there. Again, people are going to die because of that. But as long as his constituency is cool with it he says fuck it, let it ride.

      But the good news is that the overall climate in this country is changing for the better, and I believe that both of our states will eventually grow into it, though they will undoubtedly be a little behind the curve.

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    2. Around here no one is talking about it much. WHY? Because I live in Massachusetts, where ROMNEY has already instituted mandated health care for the past few years. And know what? The proposed penalty or tax that the federal government wants to mandate is LESS than the one that is currently paid in MA.

      Bottom line... it's change. And change is scary regardless of what side you're on.

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    3. I would love to see the gubernatorial Romney debate the presidential Romney or perhaps even a cage match

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    4. Perhaps the cage match could be waged in a large size dog carrier strapped to a moving vehicle. :)

      In all seriousness, I vote both sides of the aisle. I just can't see how this is going to work for Romney. And at the end of the day, we need someone to pull this country out with a strong backbone, and I just don't think Romney's got it.

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    5. Well I think he would make a shit president, to be honest. He didn't do a very good job with your state and as far as I know Romneycare is the only thing he did that was worth a shit. His very questionable moral character aside, he's just not very good at governing. And he believes in what to me is the fundamentally faulty logic of trickle-down economics. Or so he says. Who knows with this guy. I bet he is glad that dogs aren't allowed to vote but at the same time he is still going to lose.

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    6. First of all: that rocked.
      Second: watch this (or part 1) and spread the love, yo! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqkd7S2FPT8 I asked random Canadians how they felt about their universal healthcare... and if Canada has become communist since its implementation. (sorry I can't figure out how to hyperlink that!)
      Third: I am so ready for Cascadia or Vermont to secede. Tired of worrying about Jindals and Walkers and Palin's ever controlling my territory.

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    7. Great video! I shared it enthusiastically. I would be more inclined to send Jindal up with the next Mars rover, where he can feel free to deny basic rights to any microbial life he finds there. I would wish him the best of luck as he struggles to turn their primitive society into a banana republic. That might be an improvement for them but the state of Louisiana doesn't need that shit. Thanks for stopping by!

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  4. America, ladies and gentlemen.

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  5. Very well written. I am interested in reading more.
    Here in the U.K. we have free National Health Care, and living in a remote place luckily the outside world doesn't bother us much, but a few things creep in if we don't keep our eyes and ears open!
    I enjoyed your poetry very much.
    Following in return. ;)

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    1. Well I guess scratch the UK off the list of places for Rush Limbaugh to defect to.

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  6. so in the socialist future we'd go to the DMV for licenses/registration AND enemas? Now they really are trying to screw us...literally. Uncle Sam is probably turning in his grave. No really, my uncle Sam was killed by Yankee aggressors when he tried stopping the integration of the University of Alabama. RIP sammy...and 'MERICA.

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    1. Whatever it will be I'm sure it will be exactly like China. Not Canada or the European Union so much, but China. Moment of silence for your uncle, sounds like a pretty cool patriot.

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  7. Even though I'm not a patriotic person, this made me so fucking proud. To be Canadian.

    Brilliant satire, Elliot.

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    1. I'm forced to assume you are merely jealous of America and its greatness. Might I direct you to this video of John Ashcroft singing "Let The Eagle Soar" so that you may eat your heart out.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woLQI8X2R6Y

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  8. i'm not focus on ur writting...the images there are so funny haha
    btw maybe we can fllw each other?
    jessillesilv.blogspot.com

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  9. Bravo sir! You can't see me, but I'm standing clapping my little monkey paws....no, really I am, I am :)

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    1. I can see you in my imagination and you are devilishly good-looking. In fact I feel such a kinship between us that I can almost believe I evolved from you. Almost, but not quite.

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  10. I formally invite you to join us at Dude Write. You possess the super-power that we desire.

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    1. Thanks, but I like to focus on the super-serious work I'm doing here and on my poetry blog.

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  11. I must say, this is one of the most well thought-out and organized blogs I've seen in a long time. You've hit that magical sweet spot of education/humor/entertainment/goodlordyou'reasmartass.

    I salute you, sir. You have just gained a loyal reader.

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    1. Glad to have you, and thanks. I appreciate your comment though it seems to have been mangled by an archaic WordPerfect-like justifying feature.

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  12. I shared the shit out of that ES Pizza pic. Where do you find these fabulous pics and vids? Outstanding.

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    1. I don't really have a good answer for you because I would say the images in my photobucket and hard drive come from literally hundreds of different sources, but here are a couple of sources I find to be particularly good.

      http://anongallery.org/

      http://lulz.xerq.net/galleries/thumbs/?q=current

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    2. Right on. I shared a Conan and ES Pizza on my facebook page. I like the Carl Winslow terrified face too. Keep doin' what you're doin' . . .

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    3. Thanks bro, I won't let the dream die. You keep right on bangin and slangin too because your blog is one of the ones I actually like.

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  13. Your inspirational patriotism has shown me the error of my ways and lifted me out of my wimpy, leftist gloom. Thanks!

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    1. No problem, I'm glad to have shared my inspiratiotism with you. Now go out into the world and accumulate wealth.

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  14. Ok, so you have insurance. Congratulations. Have you actually looked at the Affordable Health Care Act? It is basically telling Greedy Insurance CEO's that they have to Lower their rates to make it affordable to ALL! Now with that being said, PRESIDENT Obama (Say it with Pride you Racist) is not Taking your Insurance card away from you.

    As for Shredding of the Constitution, you seem to be absent minded in what GW Bush did. By passed Congress on 6 times to execute Executive Order for his Greed to increase oil prices by starting a war in Iraq where there was no threat to American lives or soil. Weapons of Mass Destruction? Where were they.

    So with that being said, besides regurgitating that hate that FOX news spews from their own racist mouths, how about thinking for yourself for a change. Or are you still that co-dependent on a mommy and daddy that they have to tell you to go take a leak so you don't piss your pants?

    Keep in mind that you and 99% of other so called Anti-Obama bloggers are nothing more then Racist Bastards who can not formulate your own opinions and can only repeat Roger Ailes race hating anger.

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    1. Dear John,

      Welcome to sarcasm.

      Sincerely,
      Guy Whose Blog Post You Completely Misunderstood

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    2. By the way, George W. was far too stupid to do any of that stuff. He was an absolute textbook example of a figurehead. A lot of what you are talking about was perpetrated by Dick Cheney and his lawyer, David Addington. I recommend reading up about it if you haven't.

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  15. http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2012/07/19/many-anti-obama-facebook-groups-attack-presidents-race-not-politics

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    1. Well I do think his being elected is an important step toward a post-racial America. That's why the xenophobia has to come out because really it's a way for ignorant people to express their fear of an inevitable change.

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  16. Dear Elliot,
    I'm writing to complain about your blog.....
    You dont post often enough.
    Seriously - wiping tears from my eyes. Too funny.

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    1. I share in your heartache over the inherently Christian principles this nation was founded upon being sliced and diced to bits as if in some twisted North Korean infomercial, and trust that by "too funny" you mean "so funny I forgot to laugh."

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    2. Why the attitude when I was complimenting you on being so damn hilarious it brought tears (of laughter) to my eyes?
      As i said - ya dont post often enough.

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    3. I understood what you meant Jo and thank you very much for reading. I promise no attitude toward you was intended, though I confess that my comment was a little sarcastic. I was merely attempting to make you laugh, as I am desperately starved for attention. It's true I don't post that often anymore but that is only because I spend several hours each night praying for the deaths of America's enemies.

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  17. you dont even have an idea what you are talking about.. you can keep your stupid overpriced insurance if you want it.. no one is taking it away but giving millions who dont have it the chance to purchase it at a reasonable price. insurance is nothing but a rip off anyway ...and is being allowed to rip off the american people by the rich senate and house who are being bought off by them...

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    1. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sarcasm

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  18. haha... funny stuff. i really like the way you write. good comic energy.

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  19. You don't post often, but when you do, you have a lot to say. Miss seeing you around the blogosphere. Enjoyed reading and didn't realize you were from Louisiana. High-five!

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  20. My first time reading your work, loved it. Perfect snarkfest and creative to boot. Thank you for the chuckles.

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    1. Thanks for reading. I hope you were inspired by my entirely true tale of civil disobedience, and will perhaps even do something similar such as give a government worker a swirlie. I think it's incredibly obvious that the founding fathers would have wanted us to stand up for our right to virtual anarchy.

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  21. Excellent writing sir!!

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  22. I thoroughly enjoyed your post, even though it was Gene Kelly and not Fred Astaire who was singin in the rain....

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    1. True, but Fred Astaire was a good war-loving Republican, whereas Gene Kelly was so patently un-American that he even opposed the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Way to completely blow your cover, comrade.

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  23. So, I guess I'll move myself to the communist countries of Canada or Great Britain or any of the Scandinavian countries. All of which have universal healthcare, and I assume you'd think they were communist as well.

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    1. Your assumption is correct, Writer. They are indeed behind an iron curtain of forced seflessness at this point.

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  24. Replies
    1. I know for a fact that this is spam since you have been spamming me with that exact comment for a year and a half now, but hey, thanks!

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  25. This was brilliant! It was funny AND educational (Forgive my ignorance, needed to click on the link for the Dred Scott Decision).

    I had braced myself when first saw the title but couldn't stop laughing throughout. Awesome job.

    On a side note: I admire your commitment to the craft. Kudos for your reply to the spammer above.

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    1. Thanks, I'm sure you were bracing yourself for a scathing indictment of the abomination that is Nobamacare and I trust you were not disappointed in that. If you are like me you will be laughing all the way to the place where you apply for a visa to Sierra Leone (because of no universal healthcare).

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  26. I like that that you say {as|like} my friend thanks

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    1. Great, thanks for probably not reading, and for leaving a comment so garbled and vague that I can respond to it in virtually any way I please. My sentiments exactly let the Caribbean dance contest begin.

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  27. AMERICA!
    AMERICA!
    FREEDOM!

    *Sniffle*

    FREEDOM!

    Thank you for your dedication to the cause.

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    1. *waves flag, cries fifty crystalline tears which hatch into the fifty state birds and ascend to heaven in a glorious formation*

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  28. Thank God it's illegal to read and drive or I might have hit that bald eagle whilst driving through Chik-fil-a this morning reading this! I'd take the bus, but it's hard to roll out and read my copy of the constitution without hitting someone. That is effing brilliant!

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    1. Thanks, I've heard their deep-fried bibles are to die for. I've also heard that Chick-fil-A is like Jesus in that it can actually un-gay a person, because of the lack of sex drive associated with morbid obesity.

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  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. I actually learned a lot by reading this post. I'm not really aware of all this you know...living in India and all that. Yeah, it's a bit embarassing.
    But yeah only you can write like this. All your posts are epic hehe. :D

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    1. My country has a presidential candidate who believes Jesus was from the United States, that Native Americans were white, and that he will own his own planet and be the God of said planet when he dies. What were you saying about being embarrassed?

      Thank you for still being interested in my ridiculousness.

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  31. With husband and I both self-employed we've been paying the equivalent of our first born son every month for as long as my first born was taken from us. And that includes no mental health coverage to treat our devastating grief. Oh wait, heart shattering grief isn't considered a medically necessary condition so no loss there.

    Tonight during the DNC convention one cabinet member said insurance companies, thanks to Obomber Care, are now mandated to spend at least 50% of their revenues on medical treatment for their subscribers (I read 80%). Now what kinda communist shit is that? Insurance companies should be entitled to spend their earnings on excessively lavish CEO payments and personal leer jets ... not cancer treatments and heart surgery for people who are gonna die anyway!

    Well in any event since Obomber Care has gone into effect we have received our first ever reduction in monthly premiums AND a fat check from BCBS due to the non-profit having clearly taken a profit. So I'm really in a quandary over this whole health care debacle. I'm so glad you have helped me through the fog of uncertainty and back into the land of self-righteous pigheadedness.

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    1. I hope for the sake of your country you threw that check in the garbage, and refused to deprive the insurance execs of their beluga caviar and high-priced whores. My dad didn't die at 51 from shit that could quite possibly have been prevented so that you could go around spouting off at the mouth about how mental health care is some kind of basic human right, and should maybe be more accessible to the general public than high-powered assault rifles are. Just yesterday I found an AR-15 at the bottom of my son's cereal box and I fell into a paroxysm of patriotic ecstasy. I would even have gone to the hospital if my insurance company covered that kind of thing.

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