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Monday, September 12, 2011

Wiping Out the Obesity Problem Like it was So Much Cake

                                            


       I don't think I'm alone when I say that I have some serious concerns for the well-being of the millions of people my fellow Americans seem to have eaten. No one, not even Nancy Grace, deserves to die horribly at the hands of the Hutt-like creatures who have mercilessly chomped their bones to bits and devoured them like so many Kowakian monkey-lizards who have failed to make them laugh. What I am essentially trying to say here is that Americans are fat.




       I have sat here just now for the better part of twenty minutes and put a good deal of thought into what exactly are the root causes of America's obesity problem, and what are the realistic, workable solutions that can be put into place today, and how I can make everyone do them, and I can honestly say that I now have this thing as licked as the leftover brownie batter on your favorite spatula or whisk, and that means that pretty soon we are all going to be as skinny as Kate Moss after years of living in the Sahara and having just been run over by a steamroller, and of course it is beyond obvious that this is exactly what we all want.





       It occurred to me that the single biggest lardass of a cause for this whole nightmare is a little thing called rationalization. For example, Rick Ross. No wait, let me expound upon that. We may know of over 9000 celebrities who do not have a beard that can be best measured in acres, but we will latch on to the one celebrity we know of who does and say that that person is redefining sexy, when in reality they may very well be redefining the orbital eccentricity of the Earth, which is to say in effect that they are fat. I don't want to be perceived as sexist, so ladies please substitute Adele or whatever other crappy artists you listen to.





       Another large and in charge factor is plain and simple laziness. Day in and day out we rationalize that we have worked our blubbery butts of so we don't need to bother preparing a healthy meal or going to the gym. We will instead eat a bucket of Crisco and watch The Biggest Loser.




       
       Which leads me to the next flabby culprit, television. It's possible to watch television while on a treadmill or elliptical machine, but it is much more plausible that as an American you will watch it while tending to your gout, or, as this picture depicts, after a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts and a bottle of Robitussin.




Internet, on the other hand, is not really a factor.  



       
       While I'm thinking of it, I'm going to propose there be a weight limit on public transportation. It always bums me out when I see an obese person waiting at a bus stop.




       The same goes for flying. So you say you need to get from Atlanta to Houston by Tuesday? Well I recommend you get a rickshaw for your luggage and start hoofing it, Tubby McShowershits.




        And finally the corpulence is held firmly in place by several helpings of self-pity. And by now the rationalization has set in to the point that you consider getting winded while tying your shoes to be your exercise for the day. Well that doesn't count you pathetic tub of Juggalo jizz. Now here is the solution.






       First of all, I think we should all be more like Bruce Lee. We should get our hair cut like him and tape the sides of our eyes if necessary. And after that I think we should just generally be more like the dude, because he was pretty damn awesome.




       Next, I think we should stop having children. It's a horrible idea and I really don't see how it benefits anyone, except for the part it plays in perpetuating our species or whatever, which if you ask me is pretty marginal. Anyway don't worry about that just stop having children.





       And finally I think we should lock all of our food up in a room we don't use and throw away the key. On second thought let's not throw it away. Instead let's give the key to Susan Powter of 90's "Stop the Insanity!" fame. What ever happened to that broad? I really think she was onto something.






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       Wow, that was an interesting post, wasn't it? I particularly enjoyed the jaded newborn. Hi, I'm Elliot MacLeod-Michael, and I'm the author of this blog. I can't take credit for that image macro, nor can I take credit for most of the pictures and .gifs you see here, but I can take credit for arranging them within a narrative of my own creation which I believe makes them even more amusing. I also use Face in Hole. I've been doing this for over a year now and have really come to enjoy it, but I was not without an ulterior motive. You see, the thing about me is I have pretensions of being a "writer." I'm not exactly sure what the fuck that even is, but I'm pretty sure it involves growing a beard and molesting a lion or two. If you're a woman I think it mainly consists of neglecting dental hygiene and spending some time on a farm. But anyway that's what I've always wanted to be. The primary reason I started this blog was to eventually introduce its readers to my poetry. I'm not planning on stopping this blog anytime soon. I have many completed or pretty much completed poems and starting now I will be posting a link to one of them at the end of each post here. This will continue until I achieve total world domination.
       I didn't plan on making new friends when I started this blog, but I'm glad that I have. Thanks to all the folks I am in regular contact with, and to all of my readers. Here is the link. By no means do I expect you to read and comment on my poems, but they'll be here if you're interested. 



93 comments:

  1. I agree with you in everything except the having kids thing. Im cool with having kids, but it's a personal choice.
    Regarding obesity, i believe it's purely due to laziness and bad eating habits. It's simple as that. Bad food is tastier and video games + internet + tv is easier that going for a jog or play sports.

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  2. Hi, Elliot. I've been a lurker to your blog for a while, and I have to say - thanks for the constant laughs. You ARE a writer!!

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  3. I really wish I had read this post years ago. Before I had kids. And before the whole "no pants on the plane" incident.

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  4. Brilliant!!! I;m still cracking up over the tongue under the door!!!

    too late I have bred 3,but,well, I've stopped now,is that ok?

    Ohh I reaaally needed to see that lady on the red pillows........talk later .... am off to move my legs around a bit.......

    maybe get some toast $ vegemite while I'm up.......wait,I better lock stuff up...

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  5. That baby is exactly how my friends is going to turn out. I can feel it.

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  6. STAY THE COURSE! FAT PRIDE! DEATH TO THE SKINNY INVADERS!

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  7. The baby picture made me smile. But that airport picture? That caption about made me pee myself I laughed so hard. Glad I didn't- that would've been gross.

    I love your writing, and I definitely think you qualify as a "real" writer.

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  8. I reckon the tongue under the door photo is Bonza. Take it from an ex-obese one it takes a lot of hard work to reach an healthy weight :-).

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  9. Go for the glory, bro. As one would-be "writer" to another, best of luck, and I'm all over your new stuff. I agree with most of the sentiments in the comments here: if what you're doing isn't writing, every understanding of what I understand that concept to be is null and void.

    And as Huttese-American, I find that the challenges I overcome on a daily basis are different than most other people. Has someone killed my rancor? Is my sail barge on fire? Is some bitch trying to choke me with the chain that keeps her secured to my throne? These are the questions that I ask myself daily. At least I can always take solace that my enemies will be slowly digested over a thousand years by the almighty Sarlacc that lives in my backyard. I still take the sail barge out there though; I'll be damned if I'm ever going to move on my own accord again. Think of it like a huge, tricked out hoverround

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  10. i'm sitting here eating my sack of big macs and thinking you're wrong;
    Nancy grace does deserve a horrible death
    i as much want to see her dance on tv as i'd love to hear george bush recite shakespeare
    rick

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  11. nice post!
    hah that penguin is awesome x')

    ..and that baby scared the hell out off me.. omg how it stares!

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  12. Outstanding post once again. The tongue under the door had me in stitches.

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  13. You can't fly without pants? What next?

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  14. Oh, you funny, funny, person.

    And I've never pinned you down as the kind to write poetry. Suffice to say that I'm looking at you from a brand new (and more awesome) light.

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  15. I'm new to your blog but already I am one of the people who waits for your posts. The Ricky Ross photo had me burst into fits of laughter and that sea lion gif was just epic. Haha.

    Seriously though, you're right, people get morbidly obese because of laziness and lack of self-control. And they never run out of excuses for their poor eating habits. Always got something or someone to blame.

    Cheers,

    Wi
    A Single Girl's Musings

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  16. Two words that will help Americans lose weight - Portion Control. Oh, and try walkng instead of bloody driving everywhere.

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  17. I wish you'd be more forthcoming with your real thoughts :) It's not good to hold things in. *snicker* In fact, we tend to eat, as if that might flush out our feelings with the shit, but we just get fat. Off to the poetry.

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  18. "If this bitch sneezes....." I fucking LOVE that picture! Also I think Susan Powter should fight Nancy Grace. That's all.

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  19. First of all. It's not hard to loose weight. At all. Second of all, let fat people be fat. They'll just die faster and then we'll be rid of them

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  20. See, once I saw that kid shooting out of that woman's vagina [hooray for c-sections!], I knew you had the heart and soul of a poet.

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  21. I suppose the kids thing was a joke, an interesting and cool post. The 4 chan poem was brilliant.

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  22. You have put me of vaginas with that pic of the wee baby....I will have to wait at least 24 hours before watching any porn...
    cheers, Sausage.

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  23. hahahahaha. i love what just happened here

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  24. Great post! I love your brutal honesty! Now where are those Twinkies...

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  25. I have to say, honestly I detest writing, but that is because writing is essentially thinking.

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  26. Haha great photos!
    Come check me out =) alphabetalife.blogspot.com

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  27. I seemed to lose the most weight when I stopped eating... everything.

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  28. Poetry? Ah, I shall have a look.
    That baby is reason enough to say "no" to childbirth.

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  29. Well, I think it's our dependence on foreign oil. I mean, why do we need so much crisco? I know most American's have a lard-shake with butter topping for breakfast, but it can stop there, right? What if we put all of our McDonald's at the top of stairs? You know what I think the solution is, for reals? (Yeah, for reals.) I think we need to start making fun of fatties again. It's become too acceptable! We got soft on them and they got soft on us, and everybody who isn't a chubby-chaser lost wood. Bring back the fat hate!

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  30. I tried broaching this broad subject once and got blown out of the water by a very intelligent reader who is way too smart to go on rationalizing as she does. If it is hormonal, try to FIX IT! If not, LAP BAND it! (Victims of a doctor's excessive use of steroids to treat a chronic inflammatory problem are entirely excused from this rant.)

    Did you notice that our national butt size increased correlationally to the rise of popularity in big, loud purses? Got to be a thing, there.

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  31. I lmfao at this post. Loved it and the pics. Specially the Rick Ross. I really enjoy your posts and your writing abilities. Keep it up.

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  32. You've picked great pics. I lol'd

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  33. I blame the corn lobby. They put corn syrup in everything now making everyone fatter!

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  34. Thanks for the follow.

    You made some points and provided some good laughs in this post.


    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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  35. Hi Elliott,
    Thanks for stopping by today, Agatha Christie, was indeed producing in biblical proportions!

    Read your post, you're wierd, but interesting.
    I'm fat, yay!
    Di
    YONKS

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  36. Thanks for stopping by my blog and for your lovely comment, kind Sir. Re this blog, I had no clue what you were on about half the time, but it made me laugh. You are barking mad! I like that in a person :)

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  37. There's not a lot I can say here except, lol. ;)

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  38. Ok that post seriously made me laugh several times. You are one funny dude.

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  39. wow, i just laughed my ass off. thanks:)

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  40. Very funny! My favorite picture is the baby. Priceless. Now I know the secret to being a good writer. I need rotting teeth. Who knew?

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  41. Thanks for stopping and commenting on my blog. Your blog is interesting. A light-hearted rant always gets the early worm. Or.... you know what I mean. I'll drop in again.
    Manzanita@Wannabuyaduck

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  42. OMG, that was so effing hilarious!!!!!

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  43. I need to keep this post handy so any time I feel like reaching for a cheez-it, I'll have your harsh words and horrifying photos to convince me otherwise. ;)

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  44. Hey, so you're following me... yay, thanks, I'll follow you too, I love your blog.

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  45. As always, a great co-operation between interesting text and amusing pictures... Keep up the good work =D

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  46. hahaha very amusing post and since I'm a picky eater, the food is already long locked away and will not see the light of day..haha

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  47. I shall spend the rest of the day trying to wipe that baby image from my mind!

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  48. Who writes is a writer...

    I read your 1st entry in poetry blog. WOW! What a way to start. But 'comments' are not turned on. Please? Thanks.

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  49. Steve, actually they are, you just have to go to the page for the poem itself, rather than the home page. If you click on the link at the end of this post it will take you there. I've tried fixing it but I think it's just the template. As soon as I get the motivation, I'll change it to a different one. But thank you, and I'm glad you liked it.

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  50. honestly - that fat lady with her laptop in bed almost made me cry..sad to end up like that..

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  51. Seriously...I looked at that lady in the bed with the red sheets and thought that was a whole other person beside her with their head under a blue pillow! It took me a while to figure out that was her arm. Oh dear. I think I'll do the treadmill tonight instead of having a snack. lol...

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  52. Farctate: overstuffed with food.

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  53. Elliot! you are brilliant.
    Going through this post, I almost got lost.
    Very informative and full of fun and mixed presentation-- fit for all types of audience.
    Keep it up buddy.
    And BTW: thanks for commenting on my post.

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  54. A great post man keep it up! :D

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  55. I was doing really well reading this until I saw the penguin. I must have watched that for five minutes (yeah, doesn't take much to entertain me).

    What frustrates me the most is when someone is so obese, they end up taking over half my seat. No sir, I don't want you sitting on my lap or your elbow poking me in the breast for the entire flight. If you're going to take up half my seat, then you owe me half the price of the ticket. I think that's only fair.

    Honestly, I do feel their pain. I've struggle with my weight before. The difference is, I didn't let it win. ;)

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  56. i agree with you. Americans are just too fat these days... +follow

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  57. Holy... It's been a while since I've seen so much epic stuff in one post :)

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  58. Absolutely brilliant - and we in the good old UK seem set fair to follow in the USA's heavy footfalls. We always follow you, no matter where you lead. Sad, really, for a once great nation. Whatever happened to individuality? ;-)

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  59. Especially riciculous when Michael Moore talks about obesity problems of America... anyways great blog!
    +followed

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  60. Nice blog. Definitly following :)

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  61. Followed.

    I think if you just turn fitness into a game in some believable way, you can solve a lot of problems. And don't call me out on Wii Fit, that was a load of bullshit.

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  62. Haha this is great! Great post and awesome blog design! Keep up the great work! Followed!

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  63. I think people are obese because of a wide variety of factors. Processed food, frozen entrees, taking the car to go everywhere, etc. When I was in Amsterdam, I swear nobody looked over 25 and everybody was tan and fit. The transportation is biking, primarily. Coincidence? I don't think so. Cars are not used in Europe like they are here. People bike or walk much more. Plus, the fast food is almost non-existent in a lot of places. The French do like their butter and wine, but they walk it off too.

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  64. Wow, your images move. Never thought you could do that on blogger.

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  65. fat bastards are always funny

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  66. This would be funny if it weren't so damn true!! You've got another follower writer/poet dude!!

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  67. Gross, absolutely gross.
    Horribly fascinating. My mouth is hanging open (in a good way, not to stuff it with food)

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  68. I really agree with this thoughts..great post!

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  69. That is hands down the ugliest child I have ever seen. Were they putting it back for a refund?
    They should.

    Fatty-boom-ba-latties? AGREED! Except, I blame Obama.
    ...and Oprah. Definitely Oprah. She's like the queen Oompa Loompa in Fatsville, and she recruits better than gay porn night at San Quentin.
    (Thyroid my ass.)

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  70. hahahaha oh WOW.

    i just flew through atlanta, and i've never seen so many fat people in my ENTIRE LIFE. they had little mini-kfc's in the terminal. OH BOY OH BOY!

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  71. I was okay with having babies until I saw that picture, and now I may have to rethink the whole thing.

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  72. hahaha oh wow some of those pictures...

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  73. Man....that mountain of a lady surfing the net. Only if she did some real surfing!

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  74. Sometimes, I wish I were American. Then I wake up, laugh a little at myself, and go out to find a sea lion I can jump on.

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  75. I have another post on "Current Affairs With Tariq Mian" regarding recession.
    I invite you Elliot and all your followers to comment on it.
    Thank you my blog friend.

    Your follower
    Tariq Mian
    http://tariqmian.blogspot.com

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  76. Fat is one thing, but when you are taller than the world was designed for (6' and north) some of this comes into play as well. On the bus I can just stand, but the planes is another story all together. Le sigh.

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  77. maybe she decided to join the insanity because she was misconstrued with pretentiousness & left isolated. maybe she learned some compassion. maybe she decided she'd rather listen & dance to a jam band, & simply have a good time. maybe she realized we're all human, fallible, & promoting health was more effective than accusing people of being crazy.

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