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Saturday, August 27, 2011

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Camping Trip

                                       
                                          


       So a lot of you may not know this about me, but I totally love camping. I can't even tell you all how sick I sometimes get of being cooped up in my apartment, with my so-called "air conditioning" and all my other modern "conveniences." I find that in my apartment there is a serious dearth of venomous spiders and other things that could kill me such as bears and what not, and there is way too much of an availability for me to properly wash my balls. And just how am I supposed to dig a hole for me to shit in and wipe my ass with some bark from the so-called "comfort" of my cold, repressive apartment? Suffice it to say I think camping is the tits. I'm always trying to bring along people I know who have never been camping before, and who doubt the inherent awesomeness of it, so they can realize how fucking stupid they are. So this time I decided to bring my good friend Muammar Gaddafi, because let's face it, the dude needs some cheering up right about now.




       When I first approached him with the idea for this thing, he was as resistant to it as he was to the idea of giving up Libya, and all his power and what have you, but then I reminded him that for the entirety of his childhood he lived in a tent in the fucking desert. Or at least that's what the official reports say. So I told him to man the fuck and stop throwing his little pity party, and he said but what if I don't wanna, and I said fine then I'll just call for a wambulance, and then he called me an American swine, and we had a good laugh, because he knows I know full well that the wily old son of a bitch grew up in the suburbs of Cleveland.




       A good rule of thumb when going camping with Gaddafi is make sure to bring a shitload of Jheri curl grease, because God forbid he runs out of it and is forced to walk around with a Jewfro for the rest of the time, because you are guaranteed to have one whiny little poopy pants of a fervently anti-Semitic manchild on your hands, and I think we all know how much that can suck.




       Now some of my more pathetically out of touch readers will remember that for much of the 1980's, Gaddafi did in fact rock something that looked an awful lot like a Jewfro. Well that was before someone told him what that hairstyle was called.


Ignorance is bliss.

       Not cool, Idi Amin. I'm sure you don't give a shit though. You're not the one who had to listen to him sobbing on the phone for hours, and you are also dead.






       And the other thing I would suggest is to be respectful of his abstinence from pork. We're living in the 21st century here people and it isn't that hard to purchase turkey bacon. But I wouldn't recommend letting Gaddafi come into Walmart with you. He fucking loves those musical greeting cards and Walmart has like a thousand of them. He is also the consummate impulse buyer and wouldn't you know that Walmart does not accept payment in Libyan dinars, even if you are the person whose face is on the front of them, so guess who will get stuck footing the bill for over sixty decorative magnets.


That's right, you will.


       On the way out to the campsite we started to get bored, so we decided to sing some road trip songs. I decided to start it off with "99 bottles of beer on the wall," but he just sat there glowering at me all sinister-like and I could tell he really wanted to suppress my shit, so we ended up singing "The song that never ends" instead. But anyone who has ever sung that song knows that after about 30 minutes it really starts to get old, so luckily I remembered a game I learned from those epic road trips with my family back in the day. It's a little game I like to call "passive aggression." I was able to defeat him handily in that since he is much more accustomed to plain old aggression. Then he wanted to play a game called "Nevs have I evs." It basically consists of telling things you have never done before and then giggling like school children. Kind of immature I know, but it was actually a lot of fun. I told him that nevs had I evs worn a muumuu, and it was funny because he couldn't say the same. Now I know some of you will probably want to point out that the game is actually called "Never have I ever" and is a little more complicated than what I described, and involves a lot of drinking, and I think it's really smart and not at all egocentric of you to think that your particular version should be the same as Muammar Gaddafi's, you insufferable infidel twuntfucks.




       Now you would think that someone with a reputation for being this Bedouin badass would have no problem setting up your basic tent, or at least helping me out with it, but apparently his job in the tribe or whatever was more along the lines of jerking off the camels because he just sat there on his indolent tuchus and ate one of the twenty bags of Cheetos he made me buy for him while I sweated my nuts off. By the way, he is probably the only person I know who prefers the big puffy kind. Then after he polished off that bag he went for the chili cheese flavored Cheetos Fantastix!, and I didn't bother telling him that that kind contains porcine enzymes and is therefore definitely haraam.






       Well having that secret revenge on my hapless despot amigo helped me to get over my resentment a little, and the rest of the day went better than expected. We went for a walk through this lovely vibrant meadow and I could see my friend's mood start to lighten a little. At one point a monarch butterfly landed right on his shoulder and for just a glimmering moment I could see all the hate fall away from him and it was replaced by love, a love so exciting and new, the kind that if you just let it flow, it will always float back to you. But then all of sudden, like a boat of love, or "love boat" if you will, it was gone.




       Later we sat around the fire and roasted marshmallows and told ghost stories, and then I was feeling sort of sentimental since it was already our last night and we had had such an amazing time, so I busted out the guitar and started singing some songs.




       But Gaddafi all of a sudden became massively butthurt during my heartfelt rendition of Joni Mitchell's classic "The Circle Game," because he thought it was talking about reincarnation, so rather than have him launch a full-scale jihad on my ass, I decided to stop playing that song.




       But all in all it was a pretty amazing trip, and most importantly I believe it worked. Gaddafi is happier than I have seen him years. He is taking up new hobbies such as urban dance and rock-skipping, and he just got a NOOK and is reading Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and the complete works of the Dalai Lama. So who says people can't change. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my thirtieth consecutive vulgar display of comedic power, and I bid you adieu now.








90 comments:

  1. Sounds like a marvellous camping trip!

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  2. Gaddafi should be a before and after commercial. The before looks like Julio Iglesias...the after looks like the infamous Nick Nolte mugshot hahahaha

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  3. WTF is wrong with that cat?!!!

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  4. That crab gif made me burst into laughter, and I'm not even sure why.

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  5. Gaddafi is history when the rebel's get their grubby hands on him and go the sameway as Saddam with his neck stretched :-).

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  6. His hair reminds me of that scene in coming to america, where the girl that Eddie Murphy wants to bang's boyfriend is sitting on a couch with his parents. They get up, and leave huge grease stains from their jheri curls. Didn't know it was spelled like that. But, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood may be the greatest book/movie ever made by mortal man or god

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  7. Pretty funny, Elliot !
    The idea of Gaddafi camping...yeah - too silly to contemplate.
    Was he REALLY raised in Cleveland ?!

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  8. OK, aside from the VERY FUNNY post...

    That is the best skipping concrete I have ever seen!

    Totally. Wicked. Awesome.

    :)

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  9. More crab gifs! And no more camping with Ghadaffi. He's no fun.

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  10. To be fair, i can't actually say I've ever read or seen Divine Secrets. But, in all serious, I did enjoy the sisterhood of the traveling pants. No joke. You don't have to be a teenage girl to get that one.

    And Brofist to your Husker Du comment

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  11. You must be SO popular with the ladies. I mean, how can anyone who is this funny not have women swarming to his knees? Seriously.

    And if you want, you can bring ME camping. I squeal when I see spiders, I refuse to pee Neanderthal style, and I think the "sleeping naked for warmth" part is fun.

    So, yeah.

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  12. I hate camping (mainly because I need a private, safe, white and clean place to shit and pee). Not to mention the bugs, night noises and stuff. I admit I'm no Ted Nugent kind of guy.

    Man, you should put all these stories together and publish a book!

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  13. hahah cool post!

    i liked camping when i was a little but for some reason i dont like it anymore that much..

    and OMG whats wrong with the cat?? :DD

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  14. I like the IDEA of camping but then I think, where am I gonna go to the bathroom? And any temptation to go camping goes out the window.

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  15. For some reason, that first picture cracks me the hell up :P

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  16. I only camp on special occasions, ie. never.

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  17. Just turn the electricity off and put a note on your door saying "Hobos are welcome" and you'll get the thrill and excitement of camping right there in your own house!

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  18. cool story bro. I loved the gifs in it. Check out my blog sometime

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  19. Isn't Gaddafi the best. You thought camping with him was fun..... you should try inviting him over to your next dictator orgy.... Dude is an amazing cuddler!

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  20. Wish I could have been there. I'd have really dug the fireside song.

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  21. i heard gaddafi was gonna produce some new shit with deadmau5 :D

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  22. Yeeeah I'm not a camping person..

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  23. Yo! The puffy cheetos are the SHIT! Also te idea that a crazy muslim had a "JEW" fro was WAY too epic for words!

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  24. Sorry I got to the first picture and snort/laughed loudly and got the boss glare. I will be back when I am not being watched! :P

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  25. Ok... Yeah, MG is rockin the Soul Glo from Coming to America for sure. He actually looked pretty 70's hot back in the day. All tan and bright smile. Hell if he had grown a Tom Selleck mustache he could have made it in Hollywood as a private detective.

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  26. Gaddafi's a pretty cool guy, he goes camping and doesn't afraid of anything.

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  27. Gad and I totally love those Cheetos Puffs. No one understands us.

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  28. YOU never need to leave the four walls of your mind to be considerably entertained. Wish my skull were a vacation! Damn fine stone skip at the end. Only I could do better.

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  29. I thought the cat was dead. My 8 year old brother ran away.

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  30. "Now I know some of you will probably want to point out that the game is actually called "Never have I ever" and is a little more complicated than what I described, and involves a lot of drinking, and I think it's really smart and not at all egocentric of you to think that your particular version should be the same as Muammar Gaddafi's, you insufferable infidel twuntfucks." This might be the best run-on sentence I've ever read. Major, major props to you.

    This entire story was hilarious. I laughed my ass off. And that crab ripping its claw off? Too freaking funny. Great job!

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  31. Wow! You sure do post a lot of pictures to visually stimulate our brains! :) You've got a talent for writing mate! keep it up

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  32. that cat gif seriously cracked me up. lol. It's kinda scary too. lol.

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  33. Hahahahaha! Love your stream of conciousness!

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  34. i gave u blog award so check my page :D

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  35. Does your new pal partake in the dessert tradition of wiping with one hand and eating with the other? or am I getting my assholes mixed up again..
    Sausage...

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  36. haha, I love your pictures. Do you know how to throw like the guy in the last picture does ?

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  37. lol, the cat xD And the last gif is a win.

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  38. good stuff
    we're gonna miss the madman of the middle east
    he makes me wanna be a late night talk show host
    like shootin fish in a barrel
    rick

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  39. nicely done, you are a very good writer.

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  40. Hahaha awesome post. I love your blog, followed.

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  41. Hilarious, I laughed my head off. +Followed

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  42. You're such a great friend. I wouldn't have had that much patience.

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  43. Elliot- I hate camping but don't worry, I won't judge you because your blog is effing awesome.

    Much perverted love

    Chelsey from Misery and Merriment

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  44. All I can say is that you are one amusing guy :)

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  45. This might sound offtopic for i think Gaddafi is bicurious, just because he can, just because he is that baddas, he can f*ck an arab in the butt and still be the pimp of the middle east.

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  46. Haha, I bet it would be great to have a conversation with you in person! You seem to be a very creative person!

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  47. I love camping, seems like you had fun :)

    followed!

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  48. I come from a world you may not understand. I lol'd so hard at that pic.

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  49. I may pick you to re-initiate me to camping. I may be less entertaining company then Gaddafi though. Great trip story telling.

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  50. Now you know two people who prefer the puffy Cheetos. I go so far as to thumb my nose at the other dried and fried kind.

    Also I must tell you I actually did LOL over "Gaddafi did in fact rock something that looked an awful lot like a Jewfro. Well that was before someone told him what that hairstyle was called."

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  51. I've been literally holding off reading this for like a week now. Waiting for the perfect time. This was it. Cheers to you.

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  52. I'm just watching the crab gif over and over and over.

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  53. Wonderful! Fantastic!
    Well done, Elliot!

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  54. Please tell me, is that cat alive? No, don't tell me. If the cat is dead, that is one sick video. I kind of like it though.

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  55. My first visit to your corner of the blogosphere. You're fucking hysterical. Very clever stuff, my new "'80s" friend. Loved it.

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  56. Very funny! Glad to have found you.

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  57. I had many things to comment on as I was reading this awesome post until I came to the video of the skipping rock. Now I remember nothing (except it was a fucking hilarious post) except how SWEET that rock skipping was.

    I spent a couple hours in Yellowstone last month trying to teach the minions how to skip rocks and I had so much fun I couldn't stop! My arm muscles hurt the next day! Can you say loser?..... :/

    Anyhoo, I'll be back for sure thanks for the great read (and for the follow)!

    :)

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  58. It was really nice of you to take the time to take Gaddafi camping to cheer him up. A lot of people wouldn't even think to do something like that for him.

    I'm sure everyone loved your singing around the campfire too. Maybe I'll have a new ghost story for you to tell next time. Fingers crossed!

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  59. Great article - loved reading this, and to be honest I was already giggling like a teenage girl reading an underwear catalogue after the 'winter of our discount tents' pic. Camping is, quite frankly, the bee's knees and during the summer I love to camp out on the beach - it's a great way of greeting mother nature first thing in the morning, and it keeps my secret drinking habit away from polite society. Unfortunately my wife would not go near a tent unless it had a heater, a double bed and somewhere to plug in her hair straighteners. As the great Frankie Howard once quipped "My wife doesn't like camping, she finds it too 'in tents'".

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  60. too funny!

    and alla youse guyz concerned about the cat: fret not, most of em end up like that :P lol

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  61. It is always good to hang out with old friends! Crab just didn't give a fuck about loosing a yummi limb.

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  62. Well that was twisted and funny! Thanks for visiting my blog; hope you come back soon!

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  63. you're such a good writer! nice work!

    jos xx

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  64. I am impressed. Mostly because I have been trying to get Gaddafi to go camping for years. My friends told me I'm nuts. They said "He'll cut your heart out while you sleep." Yeah, sure, but he's got some great campfire stories. Sure, he's sadistic, anti-semetic and psychotic. But those stories?! Wow!

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  65. I love the hysterical stream of consciousness style you have going here. I was sad when it was over!

    Being from The Deep South like me, you'll understand me when I say, "That boy's broke out with talent."

    Namaste..........cj

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  66. You are one imaginative fellow. Hilarious!

    Thanks for visiting my blog & leaving a comment.

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  67. haven't been camping in a long time. and the most recent 10 times was just to get wasted. be nice to go camping sober :) sounds like you cheered up Gaddafi quite a bit!

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  68. Oh Gaddafi! I'm glad you did something good for this poor fella, it must have been stressful trying to suppress a civil war and stuff.

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  69. So-someone new leaves a comment on your blog. Of course, you must visit their blog. Click on the link, never knowing what you will get.....Then,find a lead photo with a hilarious tag, and-Wow! Crazy stuff! This is one of the most twisted, convoluted, hysterically funny posts I have read.
    Thanks!

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  70. damn! and all this time i thought he was holed up in an air vent, wishing he'd brought a change of underoos... glad he's out having fun with nature!

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  71. You said it perfectly, "camping is the tits." Haha haven't heard that one in a while. Very entertaining post. Love reference to his hair.

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  72. So much to comment on!!! I love camping too... and yes, the song that never ends is pretty bad. So I suggest this one, a family favorite:
    "When your running up to first and you feel your gonna burst!...."

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  73. I'm thinking that his ghost stories would be far more intense than any you or I know of because they would be far more gruesome and he would be the one responsible.

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  74. Fucking hilarious. Truly. A brilliant precis of camping and Gaddaffi - who knew it could be done.

    I've been growing my hair out for about a year in order to avoid the Einstein hair. Now I have Bride of Frankenstein hair. It's kind of pretty. Or something.

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  75. He sounds like a great camping companion. I would assume you would just eat whole people, roasted over a spit.

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  76. is it Gaddaffi, Quadaffi, Kadafi... I've seen it spelled all kinds a ways on the news networks!! My personal fav is Gaddaffi Duck.
    Love the crab.. lol.

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  77. That rock skip GIF was amazing.

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  78. This was fantastic! Reminds me of my attempt to trap Qadaffi with a hat sale. He loves him some hats. In fact, I bet he had some sweet new ones for this trip, right?

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  79. ROFL, I love this, looks like you've had quite some time on your hands! :) quality.

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