Musings on My Vast Superiority to Animals and Children

        
              

       Let's face it, being a person these days is not too shabby, and by "person" I mean a human aged 23 or older, which is not to say that a 23-year-old is not still a total fuckwit, because they definitely are. But they barely make the cut-off to be considered a real person. Why? Because I fucking said so.

       And if you happen to be even slightly younger than that, then I'm afraid you are no more than a primitive beast, on the order of a water buffalo or an amphibian of some sort, and I am vastly superior to you in every way imaginable, just like I am vastly superior to the insufferably self-aggrandizing cunts that comprise the so-called "Animal Kingdom." Like we really believe you have a royal court and shit.

       Like it isn't totally obvious that you are a bunch of stinking anarchists, no better than the chavs when you come right down to it. And even if they did have a legitimate form of government, it would be so fucking easy to overthrow that shit.

       And don't even get me started on children. Most of them are so stupid they couldn't even tell you what the word "supercilious" means. It's the word that best describes the smile on my face when I realize I'm here sitting pretty at the top of the food chain and pretty much nothing can fuck with me, while the average child has night terrors over shit that doesn't even exist, and could probably get their ass handed to them by five or six squirrels. I'm just postin' up here in my own apartment with my bachelor's degree and my driver's license and all my other adult shit, and most of you little shit-wits can barely say your A-B-C's.

       So like I said, being a person is pretty damn sweet. So I think this time I'll just spend a little while reflecting on that. I'm definitely not going to space again because that shit was exhausting.

       For thousands of years, people, such as myself, have made animals their bitch. We have shrunk them and made them bigger as we have seen fit, and we have pretty much trained them to do whatever the fuck we want. If I say you are going to wear a ridiculous lizard on your back, Mr. Whiskers, then you had better believe you are going to do exactly fucking that.

       Children don't have any idea who the fuck they even are. But I for one have a pretty good idea of who this little doucher isn't. He is not Robert Smith and he is definitely not Ian Curtis, but he probably doesn't know who either of them are. That would be because he has the musical taste of a day-old baloney sandwich, and speaking of which, about the only thing I can picture him singing is the Oscar Mayer wiener song.

       I guarantee you animals would believe this shit if you told them. I on the other hand can drive to my local grocery store and get as many apples as I damn well please.

I'm starting to notice a pattern here.

       Animals have often been used in the creation of memes, but I doubt highly that they have ever been creatively involved in shit. Do me a favor, animals. Get yourself a cerebral cortex and then get back me. Animals: O, Me: Infinity

       Exactly, you are a fucking frog. You don't even have internal fertilization. You reproduce through the process of amplexus, which doesn't even count as fucking. Your frogwench is probably like 3 times the size of you, with an ass as big as a lily pad, so I wouldn't be thinking about tapping that either if I were you. And no, I am not impressed by your ability to breathe underwater. It's called fucking SCUBA, bitch, and yes, I am certified.

       Thumbs down, you little shithead. Your whole life is a gimmick. I'm sure this will go really well with your slap bracelet and Heelys.

       Once you grow up a little and grow a fucking brain you will probably get over the whole anti-establishment thing. Hopefully your stint in a nice juvenile detention center will facilitate this process, and maybe while you're there you can also learn a thing or two about capitalization you e.e. cummings wannabe douchefuck.

       Okay, I'll admit it. I'm mildly impressed. Now kindly explain to me what a double black diamond is. Oh wait that's right, you can't explain shit. Come see me when your species has an actual language, or any culture for that matter you pencil-necked dickface.

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        I'm pretty sure I would fall out of my voting booth in a fit of laughter if any animals or children thought they could keep a volley going even half this long.

       For some reason I don't think Jorge's mother is the only thing standing between him and being hardcore.

       Well these are fucking hard so you get an A for effort. I'm actually kind of proud of you, you brave little bastard.

Okay, fine. I admit you have some skills.

But I don't think they would translate well into any kind of career.

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