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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Musings on My Vast Superiority to Animals and Children

        
              


       Let's face it, being a person these days is not too shabby, and by "person" I mean a human aged 23 or older, which is not to say that a 23-year-old is not still a total fuckwit, because they definitely are. But they barely make the cut-off to be considered a real person. Why? Because I fucking said so.




       And if you happen to be even slightly younger than that, then I'm afraid you are no more than a primitive beast, on the order of a water buffalo or an amphibian of some sort, and I am vastly superior to you in every way imaginable, just like I am vastly superior to the insufferably self-aggrandizing cunts that comprise the so-called "Animal Kingdom." Like we really believe you have a royal court and shit.






       Like it isn't totally obvious that you are a bunch of stinking anarchists, no better than the chavs when you come right down to it. And even if they did have a legitimate form of government, it would be so fucking easy to overthrow that shit.




       And don't even get me started on children. Most of them are so stupid they couldn't even tell you what the word "supercilious" means. It's the word that best describes the smile on my face when I realize I'm here sitting pretty at the top of the food chain and pretty much nothing can fuck with me, while the average child has night terrors over shit that doesn't even exist, and could probably get their ass handed to them by five or six squirrels. I'm just postin' up here in my own apartment with my bachelor's degree and my driver's license and all my other adult shit, and most of you little shit-wits can barely say your A-B-C's.




       So like I said, being a person is pretty damn sweet. So I think this time I'll just spend a little while reflecting on that. I'm definitely not going to space again because that shit was exhausting.



       For thousands of years, people, such as myself, have made animals their bitch. We have shrunk them and made them bigger as we have seen fit, and we have pretty much trained them to do whatever the fuck we want. If I say you are going to wear a ridiculous lizard on your back, Mr. Whiskers, then you had better believe you are going to do exactly fucking that.




       Children don't have any idea who the fuck they even are. But I for one have a pretty good idea of who this little doucher isn't. He is not Robert Smith and he is definitely not Ian Curtis, but he probably doesn't know who either of them are. That would be because he has the musical taste of a day-old baloney sandwich, and speaking of which, about the only thing I can picture him singing is the Oscar Mayer wiener song.




       I guarantee you animals would believe this shit if you told them. I on the other hand can drive to my local grocery store and get as many apples as I damn well please.






I'm starting to notice a pattern here.




       Animals have often been used in the creation of memes, but I doubt highly that they have ever been creatively involved in shit. Do me a favor, animals. Get yourself a cerebral cortex and then get back me. Animals: O, Me: Infinity




       Exactly, you are a fucking frog. You don't even have internal fertilization. You reproduce through the process of amplexus, which doesn't even count as fucking. Your frogwench is probably like 3 times the size of you, with an ass as big as a lily pad, so I wouldn't be thinking about tapping that either if I were you. And no, I am not impressed by your ability to breathe underwater. It's called fucking SCUBA, bitch, and yes, I am certified.




       Thumbs down, you little shithead. Your whole life is a gimmick. I'm sure this will go really well with your slap bracelet and Heelys.




       Once you grow up a little and grow a fucking brain you will probably get over the whole anti-establishment thing. Hopefully your stint in a nice juvenile detention center will facilitate this process, and maybe while you're there you can also learn a thing or two about capitalization you e.e. cummings wannabe douchefuck.




       Okay, I'll admit it. I'm mildly impressed. Now kindly explain to me what a double black diamond is. Oh wait that's right, you can't explain shit. Come see me when your species has an actual language, or any culture for that matter you pencil-necked dickface.



>

        I'm pretty sure I would fall out of my voting booth in a fit of laughter if any animals or children thought they could keep a volley going even half this long.




       For some reason I don't think Jorge's mother is the only thing standing between him and being hardcore.




       Well these are fucking hard so you get an A for effort. I'm actually kind of proud of you, you brave little bastard.




Okay, fine. I admit you have some skills.




But I don't think they would translate well into any kind of career.





118 comments:

  1. So I'm not a person yet? D:

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  2. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news My 2 Pesos

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  3. Damn it Mario why did you abandon Yoshi =(

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  4. These kids don’t even know how to riot properly.

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  5. I love you, did I mention that already? Oh wait, I'm not a person so I can't keep count. Damn.

    You're so hilarious that I forgive you in advance for being wrong because I can tell you what "supercilious" means, bitch.

    This is probably my favorite post to date. You write brilliant shit all the time, but once in a while, you write something so awesome I think Megan Fox just waltzed into my room naked. (I'm mildly bi-curious.)

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  6. LMAO! hey, i don't give a fuck about being a human, i on top right now! u jelly, nature? =D

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  7. i know how it feels dude.Awsome post BTW

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  8. Yeah, T-Rex is a pussy. Awesome pictures btw :P

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  9. This is my favorite thing I have read all week. But let's be honest; 3 squirrels could probably get the job done really nicely.

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  10. Another great post and i really want some chainmail for my dog now.

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  11. I need to up my superiority complex a little. That dog had it right... I'm going to find a turtle and ride it. Like a boss...

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  12. This is freaking hilarious. "I'm sure this will go really well with your slap bracelet and Heelys." So fucking funny. And I have to give props to the cat for even attempting the Rubik's cube, too. Those things are a pain.

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  13. Say what you will, but i'd take an 18 yr old girl over a 23 yr old any day of the week. Which i usually do.

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  14. 23 and proud of it. Kids suck nowadays.

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  15. Lmfao I really enjoyed this. So frickin' funny.

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  16. interesting read but you could do with laying off of the pictures a little

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  17. I'm 27. That must mean I'm badass.

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  18. Very humourous indeed. You're only 23 and i'm 56 so that makes me really, really, really, really superior to you because i'm higher up on the food chain by a long shot :-).

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  19. I don't think he will be singing the Oscar Wiener' song.. looks like he could maybe win the 4th July eating competition in the future though...

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  20. The star trek tennis volley is in perfect alignment with the music I'm playing "tokes on joint, shhhmmhh" LOL LOL LOL XD

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  21. hey everybody, this guy doesn't like kids!

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  22. I need to wait a whole year to be a person. FUCK!

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  23. Bloody hell. I'm seven years away from being a person.

    You know, I really should feel insulted by this, but I don't. It was too funny. Well done. Well done indeed.

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  24. Hey man,

    I'm organising a blog-annual-book thingy to be printed towards the end of the year, e-mail me at lucianoshaw@hotmail.co.uk if you're interested in contributing.

    Thanks,
    Lewis

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  25. I can find work for that spunky camel.

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  26. I'm older than 23 and barely count as a person. My goal is be a 3/4 of human before I hit 50.

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  27. Good thing I'm 24.

    I just spend the last 15 minutes googling "jorge wants to be hardcore" and thank you for that.

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  28. I've been human for five years now. Feels good man. Also, that Samuel L Jackson image was the awesomest thing I've seen in all month.

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  29. 23 or more? Come on man! I'm just 20. This is not fair. Oh well...I never wanted to be a person in the first place. You're just old and the brains that you very proudly grew is gonna get obsolete. Sooon. So good luck with developing alzheimer's :P
    Okay kids are stupid but don't you dare pick on animals. o.O

    lol. But seriously...great post :D

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  30. Cheers 2 you, you are don. You need the *zing* sound after every paragraph.

    And hey Lemons, tell us more, I think I'm becoming mildly heterosexual.

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  31. ahaha that dog in chainmail is hilarious.

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  32. love the look of your blog! :)

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  33. One of the most amazing blog posts I have ever seen...but then again what the fuck do I know I'm merely a 16 year old douchefuck. :D

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  34. nice blog. Many lols to be had from those picx :D

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  35. wow, i love your posts...
    And poor frog =( he's cute hahaha

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  36. Infuckingsane! I almost ruined my keyboard because I was drinking a coke whilst reading your post. At least though If I ruined it I could go get another one. Not like those fucking children. HAH! I'm an ADULT BITCH!

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  37. Hey, I appreciated your comment, hope you come back to visit me.
    I'm here to say I loved you layout and the pics you've just posted in here.

    -> See you around.

    *DB*

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  38. Can't wait to become a person. Sounds amazing

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  39. that samuel l jackson gif = best reaction face ever following

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  40. LMFAO! Damn you crack me up, man! Every single time!

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  41. Teenagers don't communicate verbally anymore. When I speak to young people they just stare or nod, which means in the next 25 years language will be dead and people will only speak in grunts.

    Also, I really like the gif of the walker hound texas ranger. Very cool dog.

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  42. Just went back and watched that Ostrich shred for like 10 minutes solid.

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  43. And you tell me a have wild stuff. Your posts are funny as hell. Thanks

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  44. "Exactly, you are a fucking frog. You don't even have internal fertilization. You reproduce through the process of amplexus, which doesn't even count as fucking" OH. MY. GOD. I love you! hahaha this is great! This is a riot.

    +followed!

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  45. I approve of this, I approve greatly of this.

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  46. As one who daily watches the teen animal kingdom that dwells in my house, yes, I will hand it to you, you are way higher up on the food chain. Way. And funnier, too.

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  47. Oh, How eloquent. I do feel slightly insulted but I think I'll forgive you this time because your post was mildly funny. Be grateful, I'm a Martian Ninja. I eat humans for breakfast. >.<

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  48. haha, how much lol can you fit into one post!

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  49. hahahah this shit is highly relevant to my interests.

    +followed

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  50. Fuck yes.

    Animal KINGDOM? Please. A kingdom suggests conquering. At the very least, pillaging and burning. Animals couldn't give half a crap about expanding their territory. They haven't even got feudalism down.

    And you know it would be just my luck that I'd tell my kid about land sharks to get him to stay the hell in bed, and then the little punk would scurry under there like a rodent wanting to befriend the damn thing.

    Also, I think I'd like to marry your blog.

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  51. This is genius :P Funny pictures I've seen before are much better with writing beside them.

    Really love that rock, paper, scissors skit. So many versions of it, but they're all really good :)

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  52. Rock paper scissors made me laugh! I would have taken offence to not being a chav/not human, but theb also read you applauded the cat.

    Kudos to you, this made me laugh! <3

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  53. I just spent a good portion of my day at the office reading your blog. So yeah, good job.

    :D

    I'm pretty sure my cat needs chain mail.

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  54. Fuck off, my kid could totally take five squirrels. He eats honey badgers for breakfast.

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  55. Contrary to Bibliomama's kid, five squirrels could easily take my kid. Plus he wakes up with night terrors. I agree with everything you said (plus I think you're brilliant!)

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  56. nice post amzing the picture of the dinosaur
    +follow

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  57. I haven't literally laughed out loud like that from something on the internet in ages.

    Brilliant!

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  58. overload of randomness O.o
    +follow

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  59. like your post!!! funny pics :P

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  60. Absolutely fantastic blog!!! Glad I found it! Love it!!!

    Lola x
    http://lola-x.blogspot.com

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  61. as an old fart I see you have much to learn grasshopper, but I sure want to be around when you do get your shit together..and at least your on the right path..thanks for stopping by ..come back anytime..

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  62. I will definitely have the teen angst person in our house read this. However, the two cats...uh uh...no way. I would have to sleep with one eye open, and a stun gun at my side.

    Thanks for the follow, btw.

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  63. My undying gratitude for this perspective of the adult human place on the food chain and the place of rock in rock paper scissors.

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  64. This is always the best place to come for a laugh....so many reasons not to take life too seriously. LOVED the rock paper scissors thing. I'm going to use my first-rock next time someone makes me play that stupid game. You are the Primo-Ranter! Damn fine.

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  65. This was hilarious and the pictures just made it better.

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  66. LOL...very funny stuff! That T-rex is awesome! Love the lolcatz too.

    Poor stupid emo kid has no idea of the genius that is Robert Smith. or Ian Curtis. pfft. damn kids and their music...


    thanks for the follow. returning the favor. keep the laughs comin'.

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  67. So I should stop just standing on others to feel superior? Note to self...

    The leisurely frog is a kick, as was the whole post. I'm safely on the human side of 23. Shew.

    +followed

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  68. hahaha!! really nice post!! thanks for the comment and for following me! following you now..

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  69. Hey there Elliot...thanks for following my blog...you don't quite fit the usual demographic, that's for sure! I am going to have to spend q-u-i-t-e a bit of time reading your blog, hmmmm think I'm in for a bit of an education...

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  70. haha u have totally awesome blog! :D

    and thanks for following me, i follow u back

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  71. A really very interesting read! I hope you keep updating us with more info!

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  72. great post. really funny stuff

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  73. you're wrong... i've seen a bunch of fools, way past 50 years old, who can NEVER be considered, even remotely, as 'persons'! :P

    other parts of your post ring true, unfortunately

    btw, you ARE related to duncan macleod, of the clan macleod, no? lol

    butcher bill: wanna exchange recipes?

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  74. Hey, the china is fine dont you worry :) thank god i'm 39. and decided not to have kids, they sound as bad as me and the hubs suspected :)

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  75. I was laughing myself silly as I read your post. the pictures and the captions and your rants were entertaining as hell haha this is good stuff, keep it up.

    Glad you stumbled upon my blog, and just to clarify, that's not the actual photo of me deleting my messages. But yeah, my inbox is somehow within that range. Still a lot of messages haha.

    Definitely following you now.

    Cheers!

    Wi
    A Single Girl's Musings

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  76. Funny pictures!Came by to return the love and be your newest follower :)

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  77. HAHAHA! You sir are a comic genius! Have you considered a career in stand up comedy?

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  78. @ICOTD, that sounds like something that would involve leaving my apartment.

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  79. is that dog wearing a mithril shirt?

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  80. Dude, I’ve been reading your last three articles and laughed my ass off ( I wanted to say pissed myself with laughter but remembered I’m a stunning lady at the top of the food chain and we don’t really do that kind of thing). But seriously, you’re beyond hilarious!
    Also thank you for saying I’m fucking stunning (duhhhh:))))), I do encourage flattery and except for fame, worldwide celebrity and domination, that’s the only other reason I ever opened a blog.
    Keep on being awesome!:)

    Pop Culture&Fashion Magic

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  81. It must be understood that at that stage of the developmental period most specimens are stuck trying to figure out why they can't use their extremely short arms to masturbate. No, the p brain has not informed them that they have no genitalia. Yes, they are freaking pissed at the world because of something that doesn't exist. It is a behavioral oddity indeed.

    I loved this post.

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  82. Bro, you need to be getting paid for this sh!t.

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  83. I laughed a few times reading this.... haha. Thanks for sharing!

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  84. ok, as rants go, this pings the 10 meter. but you exceeded your fuck quota. logger only allows 22 fucks per post-didn't you know? sheesh!
    rick

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  85. oops!
    logger? i don't think you mentioned them
    i meant blogger
    rick

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  86. Thanks for visiting my blog. The dog riding the turtle was the best! I love your blog. I will be checking back often!

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  87. lmfaoo all of these were hilarious! thanks for the laugh

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  88. Ridiculous! I know what supercilious means, so suck on that (ugh, that expression alone proves that I'm not a person). Fine then, proceed.

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  89. Please tell us how you REALLY feel about animals and kids...

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  90. At 63, I'm probably too old to be human any more, but let me tell you, Dude, this shit is funny.

    Superciliously yours,
    cj

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