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Monday, November 5, 2012

Crazy Pictures of Incredibly Ugly People

                                                                               
Princess Beatrice with hideous deformity
Brazenly flaunting her deformity in public.

       I would like to start this post off by saying that it does not in any way represent a compromise of my integrity. I am not trying to generate a large number page views by writing a bunch of disposable bullshit in a distracted and semiliterate style of prose that would indicate I wrote it in a noisy food court with an iPad and a heaping spoonful of unwarranted self-importance, using tantalizing keywords such as unlimited oatmeal to make search engines love me the way my father never did. That goes against everything I believe in as a blogger, and I would never do that to my dozens of loyal readers. In all seriousness, I would estimate that there are almost two dozen of you at this point, which really makes the endless hours of tireless labor all worth it. I'm so glad that I have nearly institutionalized myself striving gallantly to provide the internet with stellar content for the last two years, so that I can now enjoy a readership roughly equivalent to the number of people who have been to the moon.



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       I must say I am nothing short of orgasmically elated that the current Alexa ranking for Appellate Sky is 7,377,936, while a flaccid orgy of mind-numbing platitudes like Zen Habits is in the top 10,000, even though it's responsible for at least 10,000 comas, and probably a few suicides. And I love the thought of my blog remaining shrouded in obscurity for the remainder of my natural life, while the Hyperbole and a Half woman shits out a few third grade-level Paintbrush abortions that are more telling of her struggles with mental illness than any kind of coherent narrative, and she is heralded as a comedic genius and gets a Wikipedia article. I'm really happy for them both, and wish them continued success.



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        So since I am so beatifically satisfied with the tendency of the internet to exalt mediocrity, while meticulously crafted gems such as my humble weblog are quietly under rug swept, or simply evaporate like so much rain on your wedding day, despite having no shortage of Alanis Morissette references, I would have no reason to shamelessly seek the approval of the dimwitted masses and their emotionless robot overlords by posting content that feels wrong in the pit of my stomach. And therefore it is screamingly obvious that my heart is simply telling me to abandon my foolish intellectual pride and explore new and exciting modes of expression, while still being true to that innermost voice which I believe to be both my conscience and that thing we call "God." And that's why today I have decided to show you some Crazy Pictures of Incredibly Ugly People.




       I don't think we can have an intelligent discussion about ugliness without mentioning people with incredibly long limbs. Everybody knows at least one or two of these people and we all hate them for the simple fact that they make us want to puke. But at the same time we don't want to anger these people because we are afraid they will pounce on us like a predatory Stretch Armstrong and proceed to squeeze the life out of us with their boa constrictor arms.




       Excuse me for a minute while I puke my guts out. This is the ugliest person I have ever seen in my life. The Terminator called and he would like his mangled face back.




       Holy exploding torpedoes of vomit, the ugliness is almost incomprehensible. At first I thought I might have been looking at a sprawling mural depicting the Rape of Nanking in excruciating detail, but after a few minutes of gazing at it in rapt terror, I realized it was just a small child who was dealt and incredibly bad hand.




       At this point I am fairly certain there isn't a God. I find myself facing an existential crisis in which participation in life becomes a pointless charade, and consciousness itself a superfluous nightmare, because I had the extreme misfortune of laying eyes on this rubber-footed freak show.



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       I'm not sure how much more of this my psyche can withstand. I feel like I am approaching the event horizon of ugliness, and that if I continue even one image further, I will cross the point of no return and be sucked into a very unsightly black hole where no favorable lighting can ever get through. I can only imagine how ruff that would be.




       Well now I have really gone and done it. I have crossed the point of no return, and am caught in a hellish vortex of ugliness. I feel myself slipping into a catatonic state, where I am immersed in the white liquid of my plainest nightmares, a churning maelstrom of homogenized terror. It is saturating every fiber of my being, and I feel myself softening and slowly coming apart. And now I am being chomped to bits in the maw of a voracious giant, ugly as sin and without a shred of compassion. My only wish is for the semisweet darkness, where I can never again be the victim of these treacherous mutants.



27 comments:

  1. Maybe 'flaccid orgy' will be the phrase that gets you where you want to go. That or something about Stretch Armstrong. Or maybe a combo therein?

    Will await further results.
    jill

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  2. You had me with the photo of Princess Beatrice.

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  3. The hat worn by Princess Beatrice is certainly butt ugly. The mutant biscuits are Bonza.

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  4. Oh, so now UGLY has a negative connotation?! You evil hatemonger. Turning something pure and joyful, into an epithet. Just disgraceful. And not in the good way.

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    1. In addition, I am totally winning. My numbers are WAY higher, I'm around 13 million in Alexa score. I just feel sorry for that poor Google, they only got one point.

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    2. I don't think that in the grand scheme of things your are beating me by much. But it's comforting to know we both have much higher Alexa scores than some twelve year old with a Tumblr about One Direction.

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  5. ugly is the new beautiful...or some other politicaly corect shit...lol

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  6. Vibram FiveFingers are great shoes!

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  7. The best thing about the interenet is how we can make fun of not just celebs, but now totally not famous strangers! I commend you on this because I do it all the time on my blog which is far shittier than yours.

    I also give ups to the guy making a video of his dog blowing off a text message to take a longer nap. Important work there by those fine folks.

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  8. Poor Princess Beatrice. Who told her to wear that hat. Awful.

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  9. You are preaching to the choir, as we day Down South. I agree that ugly is the new beautiful - Just look around you. Check out WalMart and Disney world.

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  10. If she's the ugliest person you've ever seen... you've never met my neighbor. You're lucky in many ways, I tell yah. ;)

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  11. Keep fighting the good fight!
    Your psyche will thank you later. :)

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  12. I would wed the terminator woman. With her we could see in 360 degrees! I will always prefer you to the mainstream blogs.

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  13. Oh holy cow what a hat but noticed a Simian line *heart & head line fused* in her right palm, wonder if she has another Simian line on her left palm if only you could lift the pix higher hehe. Its very rare to have it in both palms, then she may be even more 'powerful'. The soccer coach ought to be sacked as #13 player will be a wonderful goal keeper. LOL BYE..haha

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  14. I don't know shit about numbers, scores or anything close to all the jive you described but the photos made me laugh. That's all that counts in my book! Oh yeah the comment above me needs his PC cleaned and if you just say it real fast it makes great guy humour!

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  15. I entirely agree that those five finger shoes / socks / sasquatch slippers.. or whatever category they fall into .. are one of the ugliest fashion exercise trends going. I think possession of those sasquatch slippers should be listed on a diagnostic checklist right between inability to understand common social cues and difficulty playing with others. I also entirely agree that your blog should be rated much MUCH higher.

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  16. I MISSED THIS SO MUCH YOU ARE BRILLIANT BEYOND EVERYTHING ELSE

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    Replies
    1. I know, right? You're pretty righteous yourself.

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  17. I would like to see a pic of you, and see your endless beauty. I will post my pic in solidarity of this shitty post

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    1. Anonymous, I can do you one better than that. I will go back in time to when I started this blog and post a picture of myself in the "About Me" section so that it will be right in front of your god-forsaken face just like it was the first time you visited and left the most shitbrained comment in the history of mankind. There will be no need for you to post a picture in return. I can tell from the way you type that you are ugly as sin.

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  18. I think you forgot to mention about the kardashians and their ugly butts.

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    Replies
    1. Actually, they were just a little too ugly for this.

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  19. Where'd you go? Still stuck in that catatonic state?

    -shrink on the couch

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  20. Where'd you go? Still stuck in that catatonic state?

    -shrink on the couch

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