Your Band Sucks

        A long time ago, when the internet was little more than four or five nerds exchanging hentai and yelling at eachother in leetspeak, there was a site called Something Awful. There is still a site called that but I am talking about long ago, back when myspace was the shit, back when Goatse was shocking, back when I had a soul patch, you get the idea. It was around that time that a great man named Dr. David Thorpe embarked on a mission to be the biggest dickhead in all of music criticism, a maneuver roughly equivalent in difficulty to pogoing on a frozen corpse to the top of Mount Everest. So he began writing a column for Something Awful called Your Band Sucks--and by God, he pulled it off.

        Today I am going to attempt to write a Your Band Sucks article, because the world hasn't seen one since 2007, and I think we're long overdue. Thorpe seems to have been busy doing markedly less amusing work for the Boston Phoenix, but I can forgive him for that. I presume he's getting paid, and I presume he's getting laid, and he certainly wasn't doing either of those when he was writing for Something Awful. Anyway, I appreciate the opportunity I have given myself and I will do my best.

        I think I'll start with Linkin Park, because I just saw an article about them that was totally surreal. In it, the author compares their new album to Radiohead's Kid A. I haven't heard the new Linkin Park album, of course, but guess what, it isn't comparable. It's comparable to a lot of things, I'm sure. Ulcerative colitis comes to mind. And I don't need to hear it to know that because it's fucking Linkin Park, and they suck with the force of one hundred Paris Hiltons. They could suck the oceans dry and just keep right on sucking. Ironically their suckiness is shimmering and eternal.
        Some of you probably hold the belief that they do not suck and are in fact good. If that is the case, then it is of the utmost importance that you read the rest of this and take it to heart, because the future of our civilization might hang in the balance. I have good reason to believe that the continued popularity of bands such as Linkin Park could very well cause God to pwn us all with an asteroid the size of Delaware. So please take heed of this.

       Let me give you a play by play of a typical Linkin Park song. The one dipshit begins singing in this soft, ghostly voice, sounding all melancholy and distant, and then the other dipshit begins screaming the chorus, sounding like Daffy Duck being castrated. And there are probably some shitty Casio bleep-beep-boops in there somewhere. Their music is targeted at inarticulate, angst-ridden 13-year-olds who are dumb enough to believe that intentional misspelling = cleverness, and primitive histrionics = depth of emotion.

        If Linkin Park would in some way wink at rest of us, if they would concede to us using words adolescents don't know that they are basically the Degrassi: The Next Generation of bands, then I might believe they had one iota of intelligence. But since they so clearly take themselves seriously and believe they have actual merit, I am forced to conclude that they suffer from severe fucktardation, also known as buttersnap shitfuckery of the mind. And I suspect that the Asian one also has Down's.

        Wow, that was easy, but then again that band is so terrible that their suckiness is practically scientific fact. I need a little more of a challenge now. I think my next move will be to go after those darlings of pseudo-intellectuals, quasi-hipsters, people who would like to be "artsy" but have no artistic talent, yuppie twats, and members of the cast of Friends, who obviously encompass all of those qualities. I am talking of course about the Counting Crows. Let me start off by confessing that for two weeks when I was thirteen I thought they were the shit. Perhaps it was because Adam Duritz looks exactly like Junior Gorg from Fraggle Rock, and I used to love that show, but I think it had more to do with the fact that I was a stupid little faggot.

        The biggest problem with Adam Duritz is that he tries way too fucking hard. Ok dude, we get that you are a hopeless romantic. We get that you have wanted to be famous really badly. Stop caterwauling and flailing about like you're at fucking Jesus Camp. And take off that weave while you're at it you fake ass motherfucker. I honestly think that the band was just a plot hatched by Duritz for the cynical purpose of fucking actresses. Well it worked you asshole. And the entire Western World is a little bit dumber for it.

        Well that shit was even easier than the last one. I was supposed to be challenging myself but it seems that's going to be harder than I thought. Maybe next time I'll go after a band I like. On second thought that would make me as lacking in integrity as Adam fucking Duritz. Peace I'm out. 

"You are the pineapple of my head, you are my artificial dreads"

 
               
           

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